Double Degree..but so what?

30 years ago, attaining a degree is a big thing.

Today, attaining a double degree is not a big thing either. In fact, it is easy to find someone on the streets with an honours degree or even, a masters.

How is the job market like right now? Will it be easier to find a job with a double degree, an honours degree or a masters? Will qualification get you the job you want? Will experience get you the job you want? I believe many will go with "it depends".

For me, I say experience is key. If you have the necessary network, even better! All you need is pull some strings and you are right on track. But how many people are that privileged? Perhaps I should say how many will be principled enough to not use pulling strings to land the job they want? Is it silly when the opportunity is placed right in front of your eyes only to have you turn it away because it was there unethically?

Looking for a job I want and yet does not shortchange me financially comes few and far. Sometimes after finding it, being interviewed for it, there is no offer; not even a second interview. It has only been a month. Many my age might use this time to take a break, regain their career footing. Celebrating my 1 month anniversary being jobless is excitingly stressful. Every night I wonder if the next day will be hopeful or hopeless. When I keep thinking how sad my bank account is right now, I get even more uptight. When I know I have to rely on my loved ones to "survive", I feel at my all time low. I soon start to panic mentally and my chest tightens, a phelgm-like wheezing reaction occurs and I will keep coughing to clear my lungs. It helps to ease the situation but only temporarily. I would like to think it is caused by the erratically changing weather conditions but I never had such symptoms before. Could my already poor immune system be getting weaker as the days go by? I wish I knew what is wrong.

Finding a job isn't difficult. It is finding one I want that is! I will be more positive because I know it isn't impossible.

When negative emotions get the better of you, just take a few steps back, a few more deep breaths, take control and move on.

Vacuumed

I sit blurry-eyed and stared blankly at the computer screen as I type this. I could feel the pair of scissors finding its way into my heart; its continual stabbing until the life is sucked out of me. Why should there be fear? Why can't I open up? I live in my own world. I wonder how long your patience will last trying to explain over and over again to someone who seems oblivious to consequences and what is going on around her. I feel every blow with each sentence though the aim wasn't personal; it was simply just to make me see, see from another angle.

The more I see the things happening, the more I feel so small and brainless. I only can conclude it's plain stupidity. My mum is oh so right this time.

Blaming Me

Self Blame

I read a self hypnosis website that it is not healthy to keep blaming yourself when things go wrong. They said that people who tend to self blame have usually been blamed unfairly when they were growing up. These people also will not take credit or accept compliments readily when things go well. Too much of self blame is cause for depression. Too much of not accepting responsibility also carry its own problems. It is easy to say that we must maintain balance and not go too extreme.

Suicide

It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Thereafter there is no turning back. It takes great courage to kill yourself. It also takes great courage to acknowledge that you are depressed and have suicidal thoughts. It will be good to talk to someone professionally trained because he/she will not ask you to "snap out of it" but listen to your thoughts and listen to your feelings. Sometimes we just need someone to listen. We do not need solutions. We just need to pour our feelings.

After reading the symptoms of several other mood related experiences, I believe I fall into the Bipolar Depression category. Having mixed states - hyperactivity at some point or hopeless and very sad at some point. Apparently it is a life long and recurrent illness. I have constantly wondered if I will be better after taking anti-depressants. I am glad to always have the support of loved ones.

My baby always has solutions when I feel down. He says he is always there for me, protecting me, my body and soul. I sometimes feel he overreacts, over-worry, over-protects. Sadly, when things go awry, I will be the first to run away. And then like a dog when cornered, bite back. I am not him. I don't solve issues there and then. Am I unappreciative? Or am I just immature? Or maybe just a failure?

There we go again...self blame.

Another sleepless night

Just a day before a happy weekend I have to feel heavy hearted. What did I do wrong again? Did you just test me? Or did I just fall into a hole I dug? You say tell you how truly how I feel; all my thoughts but it seems to me that I must really think before I speak and it is so tedious. It is so tedious! Everything..EVERYTHING is making me paranoid; like what if I say something and you aren't happy; like what if you actually are waiting for me to call, but I didn't. It wasn't that I didn't think of calling. I did. But then I thought it wasn't necessary because it wasn't as if we had argued. It wasn't as if there was even a problem. You didn't reply my message when I asked if I needed to give the concierge any particulars. I also said thank you for the arrangement and I love you. So right away, I thought you were busy once you got home preparing your dinner, getting ready for bed and also the next day for the hotel stay. Then later all I said was is everything ok? after you took awhile to reply my sms telling you I was on the way to the train station. To cut it all short, your last sms was hurtful. It was as if I didn't care about you at all. Was not replying me a test? What is happening now? What's wrong with me? Are you not seeing the way you are treating me? I bet you think you treat me just fine; the best in fact.

I just broke down emotionally and psychologically again. Tears rolling down my cheeks. When you try to clarify or even explain your stand, it is as if bullets come out from your mouth. They shoot me down. They don't kill me. They just let the blood spill from the bullet wounds. Stop it already...please stop...

I am wounded. I don't know what to do. I can't concentrate on packing. I don't want a repeat of our last hotel stay weekend. You say we can't live on love. But what is just giving a little more love? Is it just too much to ask for?

Dear Blog, I just have to do this entry and make it so personal. I suddenly just want to tear my heart out. I see all the clothes thrown on the bed. My mind is a blank right now. Music. Music feels my ears, my heart. Something that quite describes what I am going through. Enjoy.

There's nothing I could say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me
All the pain, the tears I cried
Still you never said goodbye and now I know
How far you'd go

I know I let you down but it's not like that now
This time I'll never let you go

I will be all that you want and get myself together
'Cause you keep me from falling apart
All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything okay

I thought that I had everything
I didn't know what life could bring
But now I see, honestly
You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe 'cause you're here with me

And if I let you down, I'll turn it all around
'Cause I would never let you go

I will be all that you want and get myself together
'Cause you keep me from falling apart
And all my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything okay

Without you I can't breathe
I'm not gonna ever, ever let you leave
You're all I got, you're all I want, oh
'Cause without you I don't know what I'd do
I can never, ever live a day without you
Here with me, do you see you're all I need?

And I will be, all that you want and get myself together
'Cause you keep me from falling apart
And all my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything okay

I will be all that you want and get myself together
'Cause you keep me from falling apart
And all my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything okay

What is going on?

I sit here thinking what I did wrong, again. My stomach does knots. I can literally feel the gastric juices being secreted from its glands. I am afraid to speak my thoughts. It fears me to hear replies that choke my wind pipe. My flaws, my death.

Screwing the Blues

Dear Blog,

I am feeling heavy hearted today. Could it be the rain? I wore a happy coloured, tulips-patterned spaghetti dress to the meeting today to liven up my mood.

I haven't been a very sensitive person. I left you emotionally stranded. I never knew how much I've changed till I am romantically involved with you. It has been awhile since I self reflected. Perhaps I do not have time for myself because of my job. The way we perceive love is different. Our ideals are also different. Opposites attract. Is it true? Have I been too self-centred I fail to notice us. I never knew I was a lousy lover. I have constantly been asking myself if I am good enough after all that I've been through; all that I've done. I couldn't accept you though I tried. I knew I did. You are confused and I believe, question my love for you.

From you, I see my flaws. I see bad qualities that I never thought existed. Perhaps I knew they did but I secretly suppressed them and they soon became that part of my subconscious that I gladly hope will not resurface. But when you don't acknowledge their existence, they do catch up on you. It is just a matter of time. Despite all these you have made me see, you never gave up on me. You accepted all my shortcomings. You accepted me for who I am.

I can blame it on how I was brought up. Based very much on traditional Chinese values, I was torn between expressing my feelings, chasing my dreams & passion and taking a very practical view of things by accepting reality for what it is i.e. money talks. It is difficult to come to terms with this because money doesn't equate job satisfaction.

I feel like I am screwing up my own life and it nearly killed my relationship with you. I gotta really self reflect man and ponder over what you have written: How much would you give for love?

Don't Know Why

I need to self-reflect.

My All

I am thinking of you
In my sleepless solitude tonight
If it's wrong to love you
Then my heart just won't let me be right
Cause I've drowned in you
And I won't pull through
Without you by my side

I'd give my all, to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life
to feel Your body next to mine
Cause I can't go on Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight

Baby can you feel me
Imagining I'm looking in your eyes
I can see you clearly
Vividly emblazoned in my mind
And yet you're so far
Like a distant star
I'm wishing on tonight

I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel Your body next to mine
Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight
I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel Your body next to mine
Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight
Give my all for your love Tonight

I Don't Want to Cry

Once again we sit in silence
After all is said and done
Only emptiness inside us
Baby look what we've become
We can make a million promises
But we still won't change
It isn't right to stay together
When we only bring each other pain

[Chorus]

I don't wanna cry
Don't wanna cry
Nothing in the world
Could take us back
To where we used to be
Though I've given you my heart and soul
I must find a way of letting go
'Cause baby
I don't wanna cry

Too far apart to bridge the distance
But something keeps us hanging on
Pretending not to know the difference
Denying what we had is gone
Every moment we're together
It's just breaking me down
I know we swore it was forever
But it hurts too much to stay around

[Repeat Chorus]

All the magic's gone
There's just a shadow of a memory
Something just went wrong
We can't go on make-believing
On make-believing

[Repeat Chorus]

I Hope Everything is Ok

Love comes in many stages. You meet someone whom you share things in common with, fall in love along the way and have a relationship together. Or you can meet someone you often get into squabbles with yet still fall in love along the way and have an everlasting relationship. Of course, relationships don't always have happy endings. And many are taken for granted. After awhile, the butterfly feelings disappear and true colours appear. The more you get to know someone, the more you ask yourself whether you can accept both the good and bad for better or for worse. Quarrels ensue which can strain the love or make couples understand each other more.

In all the many relationships I've been through, there will come a time when I ask the question "How come 'I miss you' is rarely heard now?" To most guys, the relationship has been upgraded to another level. To some, it's time for the relationship to end because it has become stale. Is 'I miss you' so difficult to say or these 3 words are forgotten because either party is there; just a phone call away? Is being pampered so difficult to come by? Are whispering sweet nothings, chatting hours on the phone as if there were endless things to say, memories now that the relationship has so called strengthened and entered into another phase of love?

Will it be silly to say you will always miss the courtship days; where butterflies will be part of the love equation? It is also silly to force 'I miss you', 'I love you', 'I need you'. Yet it feels so sweet when you hear them. I feel that couples should constantly remind themselves that these are little things that can work the magic in a relationship. We get too comfortable with each other and think that what we are doing is enough to keep the relationship alive.

Am I the only one to feel this way? Am I not doing enough? Am I thinking too much?

I feel emotional tonight and music never leaves my side. What else can you do when you can't sleep anyway?

When you have alot on your mind...

....you can't sleep.

....you think even more.

....you get frustrated.

....you become upset.

....you sometimes don't think rationally.

....you wonder if life treats you fairly.

....you wish you had more family support.

....you feel that things could have been better if there had been more communication.

I stay up listening to the radio and cannot sleep because the body is tuned to working overnight shift for the past 6 days; 11pm to 7.30am. The graveyard shift it is with only 11 of us prowling the floor in the dead of the night. So the supposed off day, Sunday, 25 January 2010, was taken up sleeping and at 9.30pm, a call was received informing us night shift people that we are to report the next day, Monday, 26 January 2010 at 2.30pm. I wonder how my body is able to switch just like that? There is no REAL day off in between to allow my bio-rythm to adjust. Such treatment. Such welfare.

And then..there is the lack of family encouragement. Mockery rules. It hurts. How could they make such comparisons? Things are different now. People change. The person ain't the same. I am more matured. I grew older. I am going through so much more now, shouldering more responsibilities.

You say I should think about the future. Don't I always? It scares me. The financial aspects, starting a family, having kids and growing old. But what my parents have said brought back the fear...

While I blog, one of my favourite songs plays on Class 95:

Stand By Me

by Shayne Ward

Nothing's impossible

Nothing's unreachable

When I am weary

You make me stronger

This love is beautiful

So unforgetable

I feel no winter cold

When we're together

When we're together

[chorus]

Will you stand by me

Hold on and never let me go

Will you stand by me

With you I know I belong

When the story gets told
When day turns into night

I look into your eyes

I see my future now

All the world and its wonder
This love wont fade away

And through the hardest days

I'll never question us

You are the reason

My only reason

Will you stand by me

Hold on and never let me go

Will you stand by me

With you I know I belong

When the story gets told

I am blessed

To find what I need

In a world loosing hope

You're my only believe

You make things right

Everytime after time

Will you stand by me

Hold on and never let me go

Will you stand by me

Will I be part of your life

When the story gets told

[Repeat chorus]

Stand by me

Won't you stand....by me...

Stand by me...

No more darlin

I want you by my side

I want you here with me...

Brand New Graveyard Shi*f

We clocked in at 10pm when the reporting time is 10.45pm for the 11pm graveyard shift. It's now 2.30am and since we started, we have bascially done nothing. It's pure boredom. The nearest water dispenser is at the canteen and walking through the back doors where construction is still going on and every corner is quiet and eerie, I sure ain't going anywhere near those corridors. I cannot wait for my next break at 4am which is in another hour's time.

A few of us females had an interesting encounter when using the ladies earlier. One of the toilet cubicles did not stop flushing. 2 of our male colleagues went in to check on the cubicle. The flushing stopped but once they stepped out of the toilet, that particular cubicle continued flushing. Coincidence or just some sensor issue?

And you know what the best part is? It was the cubicle I used.

5 more days....it is going to be exciting..

Another sleepless night

It is once again another sleepless night. I so much wanted to rest in the day but I couldn't and when night fell, I am wide awake. My throat ain't exactly in the best condition nor is my ever recurring flu. I wonder why it's tough to sleep normally like everyone else; past midnight to the next morning. Waking up for 8.30am to 6pm office hours have been hell. Shift work treats me better. Overnight shifts - the best! It allows me to sleep 9 hours a day, something I won't have should I be doing morning shifts!! God..I should really be a vampire!

My sleepless night could be because of my superbly filling post birthday celebration, courtesy of Baby Chee at Absinthe yesterday, 2 January 2010. What a fabulous dinner it was!!! Fine french food, great wine and good service. Pictures all uploaded to facebook since nobody really reads my blog anyway. Ha!

Ok..since blogging still doesn't bring sleepy spells...photoshopping of photos is what I shall do next!!

Scoobie out!

The Graveyard Shift

The whole week will be shift work from 8.30pm to 6am. Not being able to enjoy any form of social life whatsoever and having to slog with my other colleagues; with many already down with flu, cough, sore throat and fever yet taking MC ain't a good idea because there will be a pay cut and it affects work performance since we are less than 3 months into the job.

Here I am munching the shift away and awaiting 6am which is about 2 hrs more. So near yet so far..let me have my liang teh now..
Urgh! The canteen is closed and I gotta use my bottle to contain the liang teh.
Oh well...
Cannot use Facebook also...crap...

Back to class.

Zzzzzzzzzzz

I CAN'T SLEEP!!! URGGH!!!

Going Crazy

Suddenly everything seems to collapse around me again. The flashbacks get stronger, the emotions pinch my already bleeding heart. What's wrong I ask myself and cannot find an answer. Little things irritate me. Urgh!! Too much negativity in me. Terrible Terrible!

Just heard a song on the radio..and thought just randomly paste the lyrics here.

Westlife - If I Let You Go

Day after day

Time passed away

And I just can't get you out of my mind

Nobody knows, I hide it inside

I keep on searching

but I just can't find

The courage to show to let you know

I've never felt love like this before

And once again

I'm thinking about

Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never know

What my life would be holding you close to me

Will I ever see

you smiling back at me ?

How will I know

if I let you go ?

Night after night I hear myself say

Why don't this feeling just fade away

There's no one like you (no one like you)

You speak to my heart (speak to my heart)

It's such a a shame we're worlds apart

I'm too shy to ask, I'm too proud to lose

But sooner or later I gotta choose

And once again I'm thinking about

Taking the easy way out

If I let you go

I will never know

What my life would be,

holding you close to me

Will I ever see you smiling back at me?

(oh yeah)

How will I know if I let you go ?

If I let you go ooooh baby

Ooooooooohhhhh

Once again

I'm thinking about

Taking the easy way out

If I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be,
holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know if I let you go ?

After a long while

It's been sucha long time since my last entry.
Alot has changed.
Finishing attachment, getting into a new job and now changing for another..something that I have always wanted, hopefully.
Starting 2 November 2009 will be a whole new chapter of my career. This time, I got to make it work. No more government sector, restricted by a million processes and red tape.
Been so uptight about alot of things lately and wonder if change is for the better.

If only I can predict the future...

For a Seamless Journey

Monday is off to a good start.

I told myself Good Friday is this Friday and therefore it's just a short work week! No classes and therefore more time for the dog, myself and assignments. Due this week are 3 heavy weights. The 3 days of work have been a transition and therefore last week was indeed a grumpy affair right through the weekend. Today, however, was somewhat different. I am getting into the relax mood, enjoying my honeymoon as a new staff. Time was spent wisely. The morning saw me heading to HQ for the induction programme; made new friends. Headed back to office with one of them because we were going to be located at the same office, just a different department. Nice getting to know people. I am, after all, a 'waggy tail'. hee hee hee.

I lunched with my colleagues. I don't take to 'children topics' very well. So there's really nothing much to say....had Yong Tau Fu and couldn't wait to leave. My dad surprised me by dropping me a message that he was round the corner for lunch with mum! So it gave me good excuse to escape from the generation gap..hahaha...ok don't tell me I am running away from one to another...

Here's the thing...the table my parents were sitting at was so cramp. It was extremely difficult for anyone to walk pass other than to knock you or push your chair away. Behind me was a Chinese man who could've pushing his chair in a little more. One of the aunties from the carrot cake stall shoved past me and my mum told me it was super deliberate. She also told me to 'take revenge' by doing the same when she walked past later. I had 2minutes to make my choice. I don't know what made me do what I did but just as she walked towards that narrow space between myself and the guy sitting behind, I stood up, moved my chair away and smiled at the lady who thanked me and smiled and we did a 'hi-five'. YEAH!! TOTALLY COOL!!! It was an indeed a funny sight. Again, don't ask me why I did that. I was just glad I did because shortly after I shifted my chair parallel to my dad's, as the table behind us (where the Chinese man originally sat) was being cleared, the lady clearing the empty dishes attempted to carry too many at one time and dropped them onto the Chinese guy and just right onto the space where my mum told me to block the Aunty earlier!!!!!! Ok, the description of this scenario might sound absolutely bimbotic but I just have to narrate it this way. Call it candid if you wish.

Finished the coffee, headed back to office and the rest of the day passed quickly. Let's hope tomorrow is another happy one. Meeting dear to discuss our assignments. ONE DOWN!! 2 more to go this week! WOOHOOOOooooo...WORK IT WORK IT WORK IT!!!

Heading Back into Fossil Age

Amazing how my life takes a turn. From one bureaucratic structure to another. I thought it was all over. I was happy. I tried something new for a month. And for the sake of money, I went back into what I never thought I would and told myself I never will. External forces affected my decision in a way. I feel so handicapped all of a sudden because I thought since they loved standardisation, shouldn't their IT be standard across the board too? People say I should not complaint so much because I should see myself - an irritated, frustrated young lady who doesn't know how lucky I am to have a job in such bad times. It is affecting my life, and I am taking it out on my boyfriend too! Who wouldn't get pissed if I repeat the same things over and over again when asked, "So how are you in your new job?" But look, who ever tells you things like, "My work don't require the internet so I don't see why you are so flustered without it?" Others go, "Relax man! Enjoy your honeymoon period. Why so gan jiong?" No wonder people there are totally oblivious to what is happening outside and totally fossil aged. Of course, one of me cannot instil change. People in such an organisation hate changes. Every corner lies an imaginery sign saying "Don't Rock My Boat, Please!"

I know it's bad to even mention that I need the internet for my personal agenda. Actually, if I don't have assignments or ain't studying now, I will just follow the rest and enjoy my honeymoon, reading my own book. accessing only the intranet and the intranet alone, and the great masterpiece called the Masterplan!! I hear you..."Not Happy, QUIT LAH! Complaint so much for what?" It's for the money remember? And yes, I will go on JUST FOR THE MOOLAH!!! It's hell of alot you know.....and now that I am almost broke, with monthly bills that never stop, I have to work.....and since I chose this path, made this decision knowing all too well what I am getting into (but I really didn't know it was that bad...worse than my previous similar sector) I will survive and perservere!!!!

Sorry to those who had to put up with me and my extreme anger the past 3 days. Ok, I have only been working for 3 days and I am telling the world I cannot take it anymore. What's wrong with me men? Not happy to have a job? Where is the contentment?

Corny as it may seem, I started work on 1 April. I am starting to wonder if it's all a bad joke.

It's a Dog's Life

Fire Crackers & Ang Pows

WELCOME...MOOMOO 2009!!

To all our Chinese friends, I wish you a Prosperous and Happy Chinese New Year!!

I am working today for half a day as I always do every alternate Saturday. Just bought Chocolate Truffle and Apple Crumble for my sister who's returning to Singapore for the CNY celebrations on Sunday afternoon. My workplace makes fabulous pastries and cakes but sorry people, only for the privileged few. Though there's staff discount, I am broke every month because a measly $500 allowance a month does little for the thinning wallet and pocket of holes.

It has been a rather tiring week where rest either didn't come easily or was insufficient. Hopefully, the longer weekend will revitalise my body for a shorter work week! hee hee hee Tonight will be scouting the streets of Chinatown with Dear, May & Irene in search for good new year buys and more photo taking!!! What's new right? hahahaha...Okie Dokies everyone! May the year of the ox bring more joy and at the same time strengthen ties with your loved ones in such turbulent times.

I'm a happy cow!

MOOOOOOOOOoooooo....

Love Is Sweet

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Time passes real slowly today.
I don't wish to be where I am.
My expectations are not met.
So many things going through my mind.
What do I do?
What can I say?
Where will I go?
I don't know.
Time passes real slowly today.

Fatty Jiggle & Wobble

It was yet another fantastic weekend where I worked half day on a Saturday before heading with Dear to Temasek Poly open house to catch the action where the senior students put up performances to lure O/N'Level graduates. We attended one by Business School and the skit was about Tiara Banks, Briani Spears & Next Top Model...Students!!!! I'd say pretty creative, wild and humourous. Tell me about my Secondary School or JC days where everything was academic & totally unimaginative. It was good to feel 18 again...HAHAHA..We visited every faculty they had, collected brochures & I stumbled upon a Diploma in Veterinary Science. I thought COOL! I can take that up next time since I didn't have the chance the last time. Unfortunately, one of the students who introduced me the course probably thought I was trying to show off me currently taking another degree & told me that if I wanted to continue collecting certificates, I am more than welcome to join them. Yes, it was a put off, really. Dear reminded me that they are 'kids' I am talking to & I was like "Oh yah...I totally forgot about that...still thinking they were at least 21." Oh well, they didn't have part time courses anyways. Their Chicken Cutlet was not bad though. HEE HEE HEE. The portion & price were reasonable. A late lunch we'd and the oil did churn the stomach funny.

Headed to Tampines Mall to take a look at movie timings...wondering if we could catch Ponyo On the Cliff By The Sea or perhaps Yes Man..GUESS WAD? While checking the timings on the TV screens, a group of guys approached us giving away free movie tickets because their friends couldn't make it at the last minute. They had a stack of 2 different movies with them - Bedtime Stories & 7 Pounds. We chose 7 Pounds coz we watched the former already. A heavy 2 hr show. Still not really hungry, we headed over to my place and walked Blackie before finally sitting at Simpang for wraps and Hummus. Met Herbert later....MAN! He was so late...

Sunday was Sentosa Day with Ryan & Claire! A fun afternoon without the sun and a few drops of rain but compensated with Satay Pizza & a jug of beer..hee hee hee..It was a short outing because Ryan had to head off for a family dinner and babe was tipsy!!! HAHAHHA..We agreed that the next time there shall be sun..because the waters were freaking cold...We took pictures..will upload a few fatty good ones later!!! BIiiiiOOONnnnGggg..

Waiting Hoping Expecting

The questions. When? Will you? Is it going to happen? Sometimes I wonder if it's just me; something I can never get over. At the same time I wonder if it happens only when I am in a relationship, when I am more committed. Will I ever get through this? Why the insecurity? Or is it?

I really thought all these are just a figment of the past. It should not be reoccuring and it is odd that it is. Perhaps I am not busy enough. Perhaps I think too much or rather I am starting to all over again. When will all these stop? Probably too much TV is bad. Some characters do relate to me and seeing them evoke memories. I worry that things are taken for granted. I worry that history will repeat itself. I worry that all I have will disappear. I worry that I slip into that realm of losing direction & control - that realm I still find myself hovering over. If not careful, I will just be sucked back in. Is this called the haunting of the past? Or simply just indulging too much into it?

After all these, I realise I never got over what I intended to. It is obvious since it is happening again. I need to block them out and be disciplined enough to understand that things are different now. I am a different person. The past experiences should act as teachings and not be events I brood over and keep bringing back. Will you message me? Will you call me? I start to expect and anticipate. When those anticipated wishes are not fulfilled, I get disappointed. Nobody's fault really. It is all in my mind. I form the hope. I expect returns. I don't get any. I sit there and wait, pondering over "Will we meet?" Is it so difficult for me to just ask? And right before I can, the bubble of thoughts will form again - "Am I too demanding?"

I am sure we ask ourselves where life is taking us and when it will take us? I see many working on the same mundane task day-in day-out and telling me they don't really have a choice because of responsibilities and comittments. Doesn't it become tiring when there are no more challenges from the day we awake to reaching the office to ending the day and the whole cycle repeating itself? Yet when we take risks, we are faced with scrutiny. When we make it eventually, pursuing our dreams, the audience will applaud us. When we fail, we find who our true friends are & the bystanders' chant - "I told you so". Where do we go? What do we fear? How many steps should we take?

When will it end?

Today

The intern is busy. Without her laptop, work suddenly comes non-stop.
Blackie needs a visit to the vet. A fungal-like skin infection that stubbornly refuses to go away. Poor Charcoal Boy.

Ok, that's all for today.

A Post of Love

All I want is to be in your heart,
For us to be together

And never be apart.

When you are sad,
I will dry your tears
When you are scared,
I will comfort your fears.
No one else in the world can ever compare
You're perfect and so is this love that we share.

Numbers Numbers Numbers

I hate dealing with numbers and I've had enough of this since the day I was asked to help out here. I know what I like and it definitely is nothing related to Finance - accounts or investments! So take me out of this godforsaken place already! You know what I like as well! Perhaps you guys don't like the fact that I bring my own laptop and do my own stuff but let's face it, I am HELPING you with whatever you are doing when actually after being here you can do it YOURSELF! It isn't difficult..in fact it is brainless. I know I am squabbling here but I really cannot take it! I need to air out the crazy hormonal imbalance in me!!!! It is also called PMS or Premenstrual Syndrome if you may.

PMS varies from woman to woman. It causes fatigue, irritability, emotional upsurges and even depression. I don't know for whatever reason, I am never a big fan of Chinese New Year. The family reunions, everything to do with family. I MUST this..I MUST that..Yes, give me all your filial piety shit..

I cannot wait to migrate...leave this country...leave the home...ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! HUMPH!

Photos for My Day!

Dear & Me at Shin - Because of the lighting, we tried a black & white shot!

Our dinner for the night!

We tried out a few colour shots after dinner..haha

YAY! We'd a great time!

Waking Up to A Great 2009!

30 Dec was well spent. Yes, I worked. I did get paranoid because I remembered working on my b-day in yr 2005 & fell down big time. Never did I dare work on that day again till 2008. My colleagues celebrated it for me, surprising me with a cake. AMAZING! I really didn't expect it because I am only an intern, afterall. Thank You!!

Dinner was at Shin (Suntec). Food was exquisite. I was very late...sorry to make you wait Dear! Yah, that pretty much settled the day- the way I liked it.

I worked half a day on 31 Dec 08 and then my second ad-hoc shift at 5pm with Dear, at an event at Shangri-La Hotel which lasted till 2.30am. I must say it was an enjoyable experience even though the New Yr's eve was spent working. Time passed really fast because I was in charge of photo cutting & pasting & being a Dinner and Dance, you can imagine the number of pictures people wanted to take! Yes, every job has a different skill set no matter how menial it may be. It did get quite tedious when the attendees started coming by 'demanding' for their earlier taken photos. I felt bad because there was only one printer on set & the printing speed wasn't the desired one, unfortunately. Nevertheless, we tried the best as we could & churned out almost 700 photos! For those who didn't manage to get theirs printed, the soft copy will be sent to the company after the event.

Needless to say seeing Dear's role that day, mine was absolutely incomparable. hee. Doing lots of running around, intercom, following the time schedule, it was pressurising on Dear's part to make sure that the acts were on time and the talents arrived on schedule. Regardless of what happens in between, the end result cannot be failure. Of course, with proper pre-planning & cooperation (kudos to Azre & Dear), the event was a success!!! And I got paid for the work rendered!! YAY! Enough to pay for Charcoal's food! We headed home after supper at about 4am.

Waking up 6hrs later for lunch at 1pm was a sweet affair. Welcoming the New Year 2009 this way was indeed magical!

My Day

It is a blast!
It is fabulous!
It is happy!

It is sweet!
It is amazing!
It is magic!
It is family!
It is super duper waggy tail!
It is friendly!
It is loyal!
It is............................................

Charcoal & me..

AND It is YOU YOU YOU....All of you...YOU made my day. HURRAY

Being Me

Having the wacky hormonal imbalances is not unusual for us ladies. There will be times of high and times of low. During the latter, we feel extremely lost with the mood swings appearing at odd times of the day. As we get older, these feelings start to turn into hot flushes and even more severe emotional changes.

When we are younger, we focus alot on our studies. Little do we've time to play. For me at least. I wonder where my childhood went, looking back. Time seemed to past without me yearning to go back to 10 years ago. Could it have been that bad? Or is there really nothing worth remembering? I realised that everytime someone asks me about my past, I will start to recollect that unfateful day. I won't be spelling it out but that was the turning point - a life changing turning point. It made me appreciate the fragility of love and friendship that can only be understood through memories and time. Does it make me strong again? Definitely. At the same time, it shows me how important it is to reveal your feelings sometimes, because you never know when you will ever get that chance again.

Have you experienced that feeling where you lost something precious and found it again years later only to realise that things have changed and what you so dearly lost & now found, no longer felt the same? In order not to be bias here, I am sure there are those who are tremendously happy finding what was lost. When it comes to feelings, it's more complicated. When you lose it, you lose it almost completely. Even when he or she returns to your life, it isn't the same. I always wonder how people can change; get married and express their vows & love for each other and the next minute, they are getting a divorce. It makes me afraid seeing so many failures. Having been in a few relationships have taught me alot. It has changed me. I am glad it is for the better. Being more sensitive and trying very hard never to make the same mistakes over and over again, my motto to living now is always be happy.

And thanks to all the people I have met, acquaintances, family & friends, you have made a difference in my life, in one way or another. Don't worry whether you've made it happening, happy or sad, it is all in the name of the learning journey.

Spending My Time

What's the time?
Seems its already morning
I see the sky, its so beautiful and blue
The TV's on
But the only thing showing is a picture of you

Oh, I get up and make myself some coffee
I try to read a bit but the story's too thin
Then I thank the Lord above
That you're not there to see me
In this shape I'm in

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you think of me too
I'm spending my time

I try to call but I don't know what to tell you
I leave a kiss on your answering machine
Oh, help me please
Is there someone who can make me
Wake up from this dream?

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you are missing me too
I'm spending my time
Watching the sun go down
I fall asleep to the sound
Of "tears of a clown"
A prayer gone blind
I'm spending my time

My friends keep telling me: Hey, life will go on
Time will make sure will get over you
This silly game of love you play you win only to lose

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you are missing me too
I'm spending my time

Watching the sun go down
I fall asleep to the sound
Of "tears of a clown"
A prayer gone blind

I'm spending my time...

Working on a Saturday Morning

Good Morning everyone! Rise and shine now!!! The sun is right at your bum!!!! Isn't it hot?

Oh well, another of the alternate Saturday work week where I cannot go out late on a Friday night and I try my very best to squeeze in just that few more minutes of sleep before dragging myself out of bed. Today is the day I rebel (not that I have not done any of such things..hee hee hee). Putting on my Country Road skinny jeans (I have thank Dear publicly for choosing it), a loose colourful top (I cannot get over Christmas yah??!! New Yr is here too!!! Season to be jolly, it is!) and Fred Perry, I headed to the train station where I met my intern-friend for the 40min train ride to Commonwealth, change to a bus and proceeded to Green Green Grass of Holes. Tough to be late when you wake up at 6.15am and gotta reach the office by 8.30am. We can always board the latest shuttle at 8.25am. Punch cards are so passe but never here! Everything is pretty manual. By the way, jeans are not allowed and neither are T-shirts or skimpy tops. HACK IT I said and so I am dressed the way I dress! In fact, many have been turning up in jeans and clothes more suitable for a trip to the grocer's than for work. Which is worse? Coming to work late or dressing inappropriately? Go figure..

26 December 2008

Went with Dear to his friends' gathering. It was a simple BBQ affair with the usual food like Chicken Wings, Satay etc etc. We didn't get there till 9pm because by the time I got home, ran the dog (we beat the rain) and showered, it was almost 8pm. Sorry Dear! Did I make you starve?

Finally saw Azre again, lanky Tuan Tuan, Azmi, Nasser & a few new faces I heard about but didn't see before. A sweet gathering of the gay pride!!!! Corny, cranky and gross jokes galore!! very unsuitable for the young and lighthearted. Took lots of photos that will be gracing facebook soon so watch out for them...heeheehee...see me making monkey faces and doing a star jump! Dear sent me home at about 10.20pm. If not for me working the next day, we would've stayed longer!!! ARGGHH!!

27 December 2008

Meeting Dear & his friends, May & Irene, later after work. Thank you May for inviting me!!!! hee hee hee Shopping, doing our hair and dinner. I brought camera!!! More cam whoring again!!!! Stay tuned for more updates....hopefully less words and more pictures for my next post.

TILLLLLADOOOOooooooo...

Joy to My World

Christmas Eve, 24 December 2008, 7pm

The eve was spent half day at work before heading home to prepare for the family dinner at night. The dinner was boring - could be the generation gap. It was either the kids table or the more-than-half-a-century-old table. I eventually chose the in-between that was made up of a husband & wife. Yes, that's all. It was a quiet 'party' that my dad agreed on my attendance without consulting me first. Because I was there every year, I suppose it was just taken for granted that I will not have plans or I must cancel any plans whatsoever.

9pm

I really couldn't stand staying there a minute longer because I finished dinner at 7.35pm & tried hard to entertain myself but to no avail. Anyhow, I made my quick escape at 9 for AMK because I was scheduled to meet Dear for a movie - IP Man - at 11.35pm. I was at AMK extremely early and while waiting, I walked around. Of course, not being a shopping fan, I started getting bored...again..Now don't tell me girls should like shopping and therefore I must be lying. I do admit that sometimes the shopping urge comes along but most of the time, I do not shop aimlessly. I will shop for a reason and seldom, it is for myself. So I am the kind where after I have gotten what I set out to buy, I will be lost because I don't know what to do after that..hee hee hee...

10.15pm

Finally Dear arrives!!!! We sat down for some drinks while waiting for the show to start. I must say the movie was great! Thanks Dear! The wait was worth it...keekekkekeke..

1.20am

Home Sweet Home

Christmas Day, 25 December 2008, 3pm

Dear and I headed to Hougang Mall to take a walk. We managed to buy what we wanted for a simple meal we were going to cook that night - Pan fried salmon, Lettuce wrapped with minced pork. We didn't want it too heavy because lunch was pretty late. An inexpensive dinner with lots of love. What more can I ask for? *WINK WINK*

It's a Season to be Jolly

Christmas is almost here!

2008 is about to end. It has been a fast-paced year for me. There've been alot of changes. I cannot wait for Christmas. Time seems to past too fast for me recently. Could be the new industry, new people I am meeting and me, being happy most of the time. Happy days are always fast moving, isn't it so? And happy times spent with loved ones move even faster. Attending a family Christmas party on the eve; this has been a yearly affair. Meeting dear after that to welcome Christmas.

The New Year will be here in another 8 days!

I will be working on the eve. I need the extra income to pay for dog food. HAHA.

And yes, this is the dog.

I have left my previous job looking for greener pastures (no pun intended). Sometimes I wonder if I did make the right choice in leaving right now when the job market is gloomy. Did they say the hospitality business is still the next big thing? One thing I know is the government will not let the IR fail. It cannot. It's the baby of the white clothes. Stepping into it after I graduate; will it still be unstable? Will I be rocking my own boat? The question should be "Is this what I really want?" Yes, you can say I am second guessing myself again when I invested in 30K for another specialised degree and quitting an iron rice bowl job. Don't worry...I am not hitting crossroads nor am I facing a dilemma. I just need to fix my mind on my goal in life.

Right now, I just want to enjoy the holidays I have. And this is how I will do it...

Merry Christmas!!! Happy New Year!!!!

Green Green Grass of Holes...Continued

I have learnt how to travel from the nearest MRT from my place to my work place far up North in the shortest amount of time possible. I have also learnt to be punctual to work every day without fail. Being punctual is an understatement because I reach the office at least 30min early every day. Whether I have reached my goal of learning something new about the hotel industry or the hospitality industry, the answer is NO. I cannot wait for the next 2 months to end. Endless grumblings daily is definitely taking a toll on my ever-ready-to-try-new-things-mode. Blame it on this - work is nothing new to me nor are complaints. 30K in studies at some institution that didn't properly manage the attachment should be sued. Of course, it all boiled down to choice. Eventually, I should probably blame it on myself for having bad foresight and poor risk management.

TOO BAD...Better luck next time Serene!

The Longer Weekend is Here

YAY! It is here. Coming Monday is a public holiday - Hari Raya Haji. I am off on Friday. Will be working the midnight shift today from 11pm to 7am building a Ginger Bread House for Christmas. It will surely screw up my bio-clock but only for a day which shouldn't be too much of a problem...will sleep more tomorrow.. down with throat infection and slight flu isn't good considering the long weekend and my previous company's Dinner and Dance on Sat!!! Anyhow, I cannot wait to do up the Ginger Bread House with the other interns tonight. It sure is gonna be a fun-filled event because my task is to write up the SOP for this. I am bringing my camera with me to take photos of everyone in action. It will also facilitate SOP writing later because sometimes details can be forgotten as I immerse myself in too much fun..hee hee hee...

Though I need to wake up at 6am every morning, knowing that I will be in tuned with greenery and fresh air makes me feel at the top of the world. If Singapore was not located in the tropics, I believe the weather will be perfect for my picturesque work environment. Heading into the city area yesterday to drop off documents was an uncomfortable affair. Conrete after concrete, heaps load of vehicles and tons of exhaust pollution - it was a far cry from splendid golf courses, trees and more trees, that I've been seeing for only 3 weeks. If you guys think you have had good food out there, I tell you nothing really beats the pastries, desserts and Chinese restaurants here. You might think the food is expensive but after staff discount of 40%, it is still worth paying for. You really cannot find it anywhere else. Afterall, it is a club strictly for members and therefore the exclusivity. No doubt, I lead the 'high-flying' life and yes, I've been buying the yummy pastries and desserts very often!!!

I bought a slice of chocolate truffle cake for dear on his birthday recently. I haven't tasted it before and was worried that it wouldn't be nice. I was wrong. The sponge was soft and moist enough. The raisins were soaked with rum and each bite was aphrodisiac. The Chinese dinner was simple with a good ambience. As both of us needed to work the next day, we left for home pretty early. It was still a sweet ending to the day and we were clearly satisfied.

Friday night will be the start of my usual meet up with dear after a long work week and this time with the weekend seemingly longer as Monday is a public holiday, we will definitely be getting our well deserved rest. YIPPIE! I cannot wait..

Green Green Grass of Holes

Internship has started and moving into its third week with the closing of the Lexus Cup over the weekend. Full of action on the Sime Golf Course. Helping out in Housekeeping was a tiring affair because of the contsant moving around, checking the bins if they are full and require trash bag replacements. Other than that it was sweeping of the corridors to rid the leaf litter as well as doing the rounds at the Golf course. The chicken wraps lunch was fabulous but only available during special events. 2 out of 3 days of waking up at 6am and leaving office at about 5pm is a real killer. I better reserve my comments or else I will get bashed by many who will think such remarks are uncalled for because there are definitely those who are worse off out there. So here I am enjoying the greenery and pool side and the peace and quiet environment suitable for writing meeting minutes and brain storming for ideas. Today is a super hot day and my brains are fried so I am going to stop the blog here. Till I write another entry....enjoy the week ahead!

If We Hold On Together

Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start

Live your story
Faith, hope & glory
Hold to the truth in your heart

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

Souls in the wind
Must learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end

Valley, mountain
There is a fountain
Washes our tears all away

Words are swaying
Someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the sun
In the dark we'll feel the light
Warm our hearts, everyone

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
As high as souls can fly
The clouds roll by
For you and I

Today ends a previous chapter of my life and opens a new one on 17 Nov. A fresh start. The people I have met will always remain in my memory. No regrets. A series of challenges, new acquaintances will surface as I move in the direction I so much know right now that is clear and bright. Not deterred by the economic downturn, it is time to move on and venture into the unknown, unlearn, learn and relearn. The period of training, development, self upgrade is here. Opportunities do not come knocking twice. I cannot wait.

The Car, The Gal and KTV

Blatantly obvious enough for some, and ambiguous for others.

What am I talking about? Let's start with cars and gals. We know that many gals are with guys because of the vehicle they have, a decent enough car, perhaps. And we also know that many guys spend all their cash on the gal they love, even if it is one sided. We've seen many. Many choose to deny the fact that the gal is just all out to spend every single dime he has. Some men just want to show they are financially capable by spending extravagantly hoping to win the gal's heart in the long run. Wishful thinking for some but there are gals who just want the money. I don't know if it's for security or just plain material needs. What do you think about a guy buying a car just to chauffeur the gal around? Trying desperately to win her heart? Or just too much money to spare? I thought that guys like that have begun to cease to exist until I recently met 2. I do not know if it's foolish to spend $$ on a gal who is newly attached and hopefully she will be touched and he will be 'one-up' above the boyfriend because he has 'THE CAR'! I know love can be blind but this is ridiculous!!!

Let us name the two men A and B. Both are in love. B got the gal only to find out she used him and his car to personal gains and needs. The gal had a change of heart but later found her way back to B, who so willingly gave her a second chance but still got made used of again before finally learning to let go and get his life back on track.

A liked one gal for 2 years before finally learning to let go because nothing materialised and then started falling for another who is newly attached for 2 months. A asked me if he should get a car to be 'better' than his competition because the latter has no car. Hypothetically, A gets the gal. If it is because of the car, is the wooing so much as worth it? If a better 'car' comes along, then what? A is Mr Nice Guy. I can attest to that. He always asks himself why can't he find that gal? Is it his physical appearance? character? WHAT?

All I can say is A, better luck next time. Maybe it's just not time to fall in love because the 'right' one hasn't come along. Enjoy singlehood and immerse in games. Yes, I know you've a sum of savings just waiting to be spent on your 'girfriend' but come on man!! Is that all there is to life? Or you have no life? How about your start losing weight first? Honestly, it helps in finding a gal. Even if she doesn't appear after all that weight loss, no worries! 'coz you will still be looking good, feeling good and healthly.

And what about KTV? The gal who is attached and A is after? does not want to go for the KTV because A is not going. So sweet hur? I find it totally brainless. Don't confirm something you eventually will cancel because you don't know the value of commitment. For those of you who do this frequently, you should feel ashamed of yourselves. If abundant notice is given, fair enough, but if it's last minute, pity those who have agreed on their attendance, gave up other appointments and sticking to it. It isn't so much of cancelling, really. It is a lame excuse that because this person is not going, so I am not going also. Still in primary school?

So A, should you happen to read my blog, you are not going to friend me anymore?

Don't friend don't friend lor...