Double Degree..but so what?

30 years ago, attaining a degree is a big thing.

Today, attaining a double degree is not a big thing either. In fact, it is easy to find someone on the streets with an honours degree or even, a masters.

How is the job market like right now? Will it be easier to find a job with a double degree, an honours degree or a masters? Will qualification get you the job you want? Will experience get you the job you want? I believe many will go with "it depends".

For me, I say experience is key. If you have the necessary network, even better! All you need is pull some strings and you are right on track. But how many people are that privileged? Perhaps I should say how many will be principled enough to not use pulling strings to land the job they want? Is it silly when the opportunity is placed right in front of your eyes only to have you turn it away because it was there unethically?

Looking for a job I want and yet does not shortchange me financially comes few and far. Sometimes after finding it, being interviewed for it, there is no offer; not even a second interview. It has only been a month. Many my age might use this time to take a break, regain their career footing. Celebrating my 1 month anniversary being jobless is excitingly stressful. Every night I wonder if the next day will be hopeful or hopeless. When I keep thinking how sad my bank account is right now, I get even more uptight. When I know I have to rely on my loved ones to "survive", I feel at my all time low. I soon start to panic mentally and my chest tightens, a phelgm-like wheezing reaction occurs and I will keep coughing to clear my lungs. It helps to ease the situation but only temporarily. I would like to think it is caused by the erratically changing weather conditions but I never had such symptoms before. Could my already poor immune system be getting weaker as the days go by? I wish I knew what is wrong.

Finding a job isn't difficult. It is finding one I want that is! I will be more positive because I know it isn't impossible.

When negative emotions get the better of you, just take a few steps back, a few more deep breaths, take control and move on.

Vacuumed

I sit blurry-eyed and stared blankly at the computer screen as I type this. I could feel the pair of scissors finding its way into my heart; its continual stabbing until the life is sucked out of me. Why should there be fear? Why can't I open up? I live in my own world. I wonder how long your patience will last trying to explain over and over again to someone who seems oblivious to consequences and what is going on around her. I feel every blow with each sentence though the aim wasn't personal; it was simply just to make me see, see from another angle.

The more I see the things happening, the more I feel so small and brainless. I only can conclude it's plain stupidity. My mum is oh so right this time.

Blaming Me

Self Blame

I read a self hypnosis website that it is not healthy to keep blaming yourself when things go wrong. They said that people who tend to self blame have usually been blamed unfairly when they were growing up. These people also will not take credit or accept compliments readily when things go well. Too much of self blame is cause for depression. Too much of not accepting responsibility also carry its own problems. It is easy to say that we must maintain balance and not go too extreme.

Suicide

It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Thereafter there is no turning back. It takes great courage to kill yourself. It also takes great courage to acknowledge that you are depressed and have suicidal thoughts. It will be good to talk to someone professionally trained because he/she will not ask you to "snap out of it" but listen to your thoughts and listen to your feelings. Sometimes we just need someone to listen. We do not need solutions. We just need to pour our feelings.

After reading the symptoms of several other mood related experiences, I believe I fall into the Bipolar Depression category. Having mixed states - hyperactivity at some point or hopeless and very sad at some point. Apparently it is a life long and recurrent illness. I have constantly wondered if I will be better after taking anti-depressants. I am glad to always have the support of loved ones.

My baby always has solutions when I feel down. He says he is always there for me, protecting me, my body and soul. I sometimes feel he overreacts, over-worry, over-protects. Sadly, when things go awry, I will be the first to run away. And then like a dog when cornered, bite back. I am not him. I don't solve issues there and then. Am I unappreciative? Or am I just immature? Or maybe just a failure?

There we go again...self blame.