The Decision

Illusion. Delusion. Confusion. Suddenly, everything becomes clear. Then suddenly again, it becomes mirky and unfathomable. MIust life always be up and down, meandering and straight, dull and exciting, happy and sad? If life is such, should I follow it? Like waves lapping the shore, clouds shifting with the wind, trees leaning towards to sunlight. Should I dwell in the unexplainable? Should I expect the unexpected? Should I even be writing my blogs this way? Why suffer in self pity? Why indulge in misery? Why make myself sad? Why be under the wings of unhappiness & uncertaintity? Why let bitterness overwhelm me? Why not find inner peace? Why not just let things be? Why not let nature take its course? Why not just let things flow? Let things flow....a very familiar phrase. Where have I heard it from? I know where...why should I ask where? Self denial. I am full of it. I imagine myself to be happy, run away from the tormenting whirlwind in the heart and mind, then tell myself to face them all full front and then come to terms with being full of sorrow before starting to realise that it was all but a self fulfilling prophecy. How would I know whether it's the right choice. How would I know if it was right path? How would it be different if I'd chosen a different route? Led a different life? How would the thoughts and feelings change? How would the perceptions be different? Why find myself in a pile of shit and move on to another bigger pile? Why not see the world differently, the path I took as a learning curve, a learning journey, an enriching lifelong experience that each and every individual experiences somewhat differently. We were all brought up differently; each of us are unique. Why not let that uniqueness shine rather than obscure that special part of us with pain and torturing thoughts? We should love ourselves..but what happens when we love ourselves too much? Do we become selfish? Do we become oblivious to others around us? Do we think only for ourselves? Do we become self centred and reserved? Do we start seeing other people's weakness as strength of our own? Do we use others like how we use ourselves; subconsciously? Should we enjoy love on its own or love hatred to gain more love? Is the origin of sorrow, desire? Or is the origin of desire, sorrow? Do the two really interlink? When I am undergoing tremendous pain, are others feeling equally bad or worse? There're people who are worse off; we all go through different things, we start off the same and end the same; it's the process of getting to our destination that is different. It is either we make full use of the opportunity given to us, understand the trivalities in life, appreciate everything around us, accepting the ups and downs, meandering and straight, happiness and saddness or dwell in self pity, self denial, choose to attach ourselves to everything, concentrate on what is missing. Why create the saddness? Why should I create the saddness? Why should I suffer in misery? Perhaps life is happiness. We choose to be happy. We choose to be miserable. We cannot choose not to feel pain because that is inevitable. Just like death. Death is unavoidable. Understanding an emotion is difficult. Accepting it is the utmost challenge. Should one desire more? Or should one be just satisfied? Decisions and more decisions. Or maybe I think too much? Come on, nothing wrong with thinking so much is there? Or is there? So much support. So many friends. How many are true support? True friends? How can we tell? How can we discover? How should we behave? How should we think? In fact, most things, if not all requires making decisions. I havent seen enough of life mayb, to understand its full meaning. I have not gone through enough uncertainties, toughness, complications, extreme downfalls again and over again, to realise that I am infact very lucky. Always look on the bright side they say; why live your life miserably when you can live it happily so that you die in peace? Can we choose how we want to die? We can choose how we want to live..but death...it remains a mystery. It always have been. Then again, why ask questions with no answers? Let time uncover the questionable, the suspicions, the superficalities. Even if our lifetime still give us no answers to the questions we have always been asking, just let it be. We should accept the fact that it is the way it is going to be. There shall be no answers. And because there shall be no answers, there shall be no questions to ask for those answers. When we let it all go, let loose a little, we actually find the answers. The answers to inner peace, quiet and secret happiness. When we fight life all the time, life always wins. Take a step back, reflect on it all; each and every step..look at every step...step by step...step by step..