Tuesday, March 07, 2017

Self-worth

I think they call it mid-life crisis. But I am far from 45.

It is strange for me to even feel this way.

I feel ugly. Perhaps this process is called ageing. The skin sags, the dark eye circles get even darker. I don't feel good about myself anymore. Everyday after work, I rush home. Every morning I rush to work. Other days, I rush to gym then to work. Every minute I am rushing. Where is the time for myself? 

I am tired. 

My hair is thinning. It has lost the shine. It looks dead and lifeless. My skin is dry, coarse to the point of scaly. Deep inside I think I am crying. A part of me is dying. 

What am I living for? Where is life's meaning? 

Monday, January 11, 2016

Undercurrents

Happy yet having mixed feelings.
Nobody knows how stormy the undercurrents within me can be.

Nothing must go wrong. Nothing.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

I hate myself

I hate myself for being me.

Really wish I was dead so that torments are for others to live with.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy. It is not arrogant. It does not boast.

A mouthful of a title.

But is it true? Why is love usually measured by wealth? Is it so materialistic? I am expending so much energy wondering why after a comment I heard made my someone close. It makes me sad. It makes me cry. Yet, it makes me want to fight for love so much more. The real love. The one that does not envy, has no greed, has no tag to status. Mankind has made the word so pure become so evil.

Money is the root of all evil. Not love.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Chandelier

Party girls don't get hurt
Can't feel anything, when will I learn
I push it down, push it down

I'm the one "for a good time call"
Phone's blowin' up, they're ringin' my doorbell
I feel the love, feel the love
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
Throw 'em back, 'til I lose count
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cos I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cos I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight
Sun is up, I'm a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
 
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Alone

I always look forward to weekends. However, weekends have, time and time again, been seeing bouts of unhappiness. Although today's hasn't been the worse compared to others, it has shown me the meaning of being alone.

Sometimes I think I am going crazy with "voices" going on in my head. In recent years, I have discovered I am unable to explain my thoughts coherently and I am also unable to remember my sequence of events precisely. In fact, many a times, my brains decide to form a story of their own based on old events and maybe subconscious imaginations triggering unwarranted emotions as a result. I am uncertain if this has been accumulated from events of the past or perhaps even childhood memories.

Could all these be the reasons why my other relationships fail? But I have never been told these before till now.

I digress.

An outburst like today's is caused by none other than my inability to answer questions asked directly and coherently. I tend to give a vague answer or keep quiet or even think I have given an answer but actually it was just something that doesn't make sense because maybe I didn't want it to make sense -  my own brain defence mechanism that prefers to lie - and hope the lie can give me a solution to just escape from the problem and that everything will be ok.

Fat Hope. Things are never going to be ok.

Another reason why arguments arise is because I am stubborn in nature. It just seems to be a trait I own. My ability to learn suffers as a result. I hear what he says but I don't listen. Instead, the devil within decides to play with my emotions and hopes that whatever I think is true becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy where in actual fact, I was only imagining things. That wasn't how he thinks. He was only clarifying so that he could plan. He wasn't angry either. He only became angry when I didn't listen to his decision and continued with what I originally thought was right. Likewise the same thing happened during lunch. All was good but I decided to continue doing what I wanted despite him already telling me what I should do.

Day in day out. It is the same old thing. I am sure he is feeling suffocated. I had to have the last say in that final argument before he stormed off. I am sure whatever I said, he felt accused because he didn't do what I insisted he did.

I am ridiculous.

Oddly at 32, I start to realise how queer I am. Unlike others, I have no beauty, no brains, no smarts either. Work has not been kind. I feel so inadequate compared to my peers. I cannot write well and still continue to step on toes. Nothing seems to be working out. I am falling into another black hole.

Maybe I should be alone. Alone forever.

Wednesday, May 07, 2014

For better or for worse

Despite all the quarrels we have, how bad, how heated, how it ends, I still love the man. He is the one I want to be with. Through good and bad they say. And yes, that is what I will do. I love you!