Keeping up with the pace

After 8 years, I finally repeated what I did again - Run under the gruelling heat of the mid-day sun with 2 colleagues during lunch time today. A major feat for me because we hit the marina bay area where construction works aplenty and dust flying everywhere. *COUGH COUGH* But it's fun! Roger didn't join me because it's reallie too hot and bad for his skin I believe and the heat together with the dust will irritate his face even more. Shower facilities was good. One bathroom for ladies with heater, fan, and enough space to place clothes and all. The heater well...takes some time to heat up and when the men's bathroom is in use, the hot water will also be shared and therefore it all depends on who turns on the hot water tap first...hahaha...so I showered in cold water...BRRRRrrrrr...

Anyways, Roger bought me lunch - fish soup bee hoon and I had it slowly because I am super superly drained. What to do? Gotta train for Sports Day leh...doing 2 events - 100m dash and 1500m Women Open..hahaha...it happens to be from 2-5pm as well so I guess training under the mid-day sun allows my body to acclimatise to the weather come 10 Oct!! Good luck to me!!

My colleagues will be running again tomorrow afternoon...I think I will give this one a pass...hee hee hee

MAMA MIA

And so 7 of us - Catherine, Brandon, Meilian, Huiyen, Joyce, Ryan and me headed to The Cathay to catch the Mama Mia movie at 7.10pm. My bimbo came in late but the show amazingly 'waited' for her and started only at about 7.30pm. It was a fun-filled movie with lots of laughter, sing-alongs and clapping at some scenes. For me, it was like watching the musical but from what Joyce told us, the London musical was definitely much better. Straight after, we still couldn't get the songs out of our heads and we headed to take pictures with the poster as backdrop!! HAHAHA..entering the inviolate belt and then the zone of closure! HAHAHAHAHA I got a passer-by to take a group photo of us only to realise Catherine and Brandon refusing to be in the picture (or rather only Catherine) because she said it's so embarrassing lah!! WAH LAU!!!! It was fun mah..no meh? hahahhaa...because after our a few minutes of cam whoring, other people followed suit!! hee hee hee....

We then headed for food at Plaza Singapura because some of us haven't had our dinners and so a few hamburgers, drinks, fries and more photo taking pretty much summed up the night as we slowly proceeded to the train station and headed on home. A short but cool and fun outing with the usual few of us (this Su ah....last minute don't know what guard duty lah....or else sure join in the 'BHB' fun HEE HEE HEE)

Here's the song that created an impact on my bimbo buddy.....and yes..she bought the soundtrack of the movie straight after the show...heh heh heh...

Thanks Dearie Pants for purchasing the tickets early so that I didn't have to book it online and get charged the booking fee hahaha...so it's just $6 for every ticket coz someone UOB card holder leh..got 12% discount!! hee hee hee..

I give you two videos...the original and from the movie by Meryl Streep!

I don’t wanna talk

About the things we’ve gone through

Though it’s hurting me

Now it’s history

I’ve played all my cards

And that’s what you’ve done too

Nothing more to say

No more ace to play

The winner takes it all

The loser standing small

Beside the victory

That’s her destiny

I was in your arms

Thinking I belonged there

I figured it made sense

Building me a fence

Building me a home

Thinking I’d be strong there

But I was a fool

Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice

Their minds as cold as ice

And someone way down here

Loses someone dear

The winner takes it all

The loser has to fall

It’s simple and it’s plain

Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss

Like I used to kiss you?

Does it feel the same

When she calls your name?

Somewhere deep inside

You must know I miss you

But what can I say

Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide

The likes of me abide

Spectators of the show

Always staying low

The game is on again

A lover or a friend

A big thing or a small

The winner takes it all

I don’t wanna talk

If it makes you feel sad

And I understand

You’ve come to shake my hand

I apologize

If it makes you feel bad

Seeing me so tense

No self-confidence

But you see

The winner takes it all

The winner takes it all......

心动

心动



有多久没见你
以为你在那里
原来就住在我的心底
陪伴着我的呼吸

有多远的距离
以为闻不到你的气息
谁知道你背影这么长
回头就看到你

过去让它过去
来不及
从头喜欢你
白云缠绕着蓝天
如果
不能够永远都在一起
也至少给我们
怀念的勇气
拥抱的权利
好让你明白
我心动的痕迹

过去让它过去
来不及
从头喜欢你
白云缠绕着蓝天
如果
不能够永远都在一起
也至少给我们
怀念的勇气
拥抱的权利
好让你明白
我心动的痕迹
总是想再见你
还试着打探你的消息
原来你就住在我的身体
守护我的回忆

Pain is Inevitable but Misery is a Choice

Pain. It comes in many forms. Falling down and hurting yourself. Getting scalded or burnt. A failed relationship. Finding out that your love one is having an affair. Different forms of pain bringing about different types of emotions. The most hurting ones seem to be, for most people, finding out you were betrayed, cheated or even seeing your boyfriend, girfriend, husband or wife having an affair. What will we do? What will you do? Will it be sleepless nights? Confrontation? Pointing fingers? Focusing on whose fault is it rather than the situation at hand? What good does it do? Why ask the questions when he answers don't make a difference anymore? unless...harbouring on hope. Hope. What happens when we hope for the hopeless? Is there such a thing? Will what we expect and then not turn out the way we want it to be makes us upset and disappointed? Why does it go that way? We will get through all these emotional self-inflicted sufferings only when we choose to get over them. But how? More questions again and no answers.

It is always difficult when we are left hanging. It is always simpler when we know the answers. It is easy to say if only..and also easy to say certain things when there already known answers. So the begging question is still...so how? What can I do? How can I ease the pain? Do you think if you continue to talk about what you have gone through, whose fault it should be and all the wrongs, will it make a right? As the saying goes, 2 wrongs doesn't make a right. And likewise for affairs. The husband commits adultery, the wife finds out and then goes out and sleeps around. Does this mean the wife will feel better? How about the marriage is fine. The wife sleeps around because the marriage is getting boring and unsatisfying. In this sense, whose fault is it? Most of the time, it will be the one who's committed adultery. The doer. In reality, is it really true? Or we just perceive it that way and then it becomes true?

Slowly but surely, pain becomes misery when our questions are unresolved and we cannot let things go. You can only help yourself. No matter what other people say. Advice is all you get. We cannot tell you what to do because the one involved in that situation is you. Maybe if you stop focusing all your energy on what has already happened and why it happened, taking steps to learn new things, pick up a new hobby, go out with friends could help in easing the so-called psychological pain.

FACE IT! Brooding is not exactly the best way to go around it. Understanding that when there is pain, surely there will be unhappiness. Don't start asking why there should be because there just naturally is! Don't start finding excuses for yourself. Start finding the path to happiness. Start doing something for yourself. Love yourself. No harm. There is nothing to lose. Just try. It won't hurt will it? Why do we keep falling into the pit of unhappiness when the world out there is so vast and there are so many things we've yet to uncover. Life is short as it is. Why make it shorter with sadness and tears? Worth it?

Loneliness. I understand the feeling of being alone. Personal space. It is different from loneliness. When we have our own personal space, it gives us a breather from everything else, from work, from our boyfriends, girlfriends, wives and husbands and friends. It gives us time to reflect on ourselves and everyone else. We will also reflect on life. It varies from people to people. We should enjoy every minute of our lives I suppose. Be happy with the decision you make. If cannot be happy, just don't regret the decision. When unexpected events happen, work on how you can solve the problem rather than regreting and also get emotional. Things don't get done or get solved on its own just like that.

Actually I work on the principle that anything that happens be it sad or happy will pass and then become memories. Life is never smooth sailing anyway. We learn along the way and from the experiences of the journey. There is no hard and fast rule to living life. There are lots of trial and error. It is full of choices. Our choices and then our decisions make the difference to how things will turn out.

We shouldn't anticipate. Just let it come. Embrace it all. We shouldn't complicate the simple things. Communication can solve lots of misunderstandings. There are always alternatives. Some are just not what we are looking for and that's how it inflicts fear and create an obstacle to go forward. It is just whether we want to or not. Period.

KPE Swing 5km Fun Walk & Run 14 Sep 08

'Rise and Shine!!!' Beeped my handphone at 6am in the morning on a Sunday morning 14 Sep 08. Yes I know I said to myself..Aren't I already awake at 5.30am????!!!! Arrgghh..Dragging myself outta bed on Sunday morning!!!! You might think I am kidding but neh..it's for the KPE SWING!! My first 5km walk and run event with Ryan, Roger, David & Family, Catherine & Brandon and Ann! BOY!! Was I excited!! I went to the kitchen and grabbed myself 2 pieces of mooncake with egg yolk and mulberry milk, downed the breakfast though there wasn't much saliva production because I seldom got up so early on Sundays. Even Charcoal had to turn his head twice to confirm it was me who opened the front door. Heh heh heh. Ok..with such keen sense of smell, he can sniff me out miles away..who am I kidding hor? HAHAHAHAA Seeing the black one look so cute wagging his tail and poking his nose at me, I played with him and ruffled his ears and smelled his cheeks and patted his 'small' black head. hee hee hee. And then it was time to walk to the train station and meet Roger and Ryan at Kovan station. Don't ask me why I didn't take the shuttle from Tampines. I was just all too willing to get up that early because the engine just needs time to warm up.

Honestly, when the walk started, my brains were just getting up. And the wait..oh man..the wait before the start of the walk was tiring. There were hordes of people and we didn't want to go too much to the front because it was jam pack with people and more people and the pushing and shoving...not a good idea. After all, Catherine, Brandon, David and family and Ann and colleagues were still not here yet. They slowly loomed into sight after Ryan, Roger and I took pictures with the cheap red electronic lanterns and made as many monkey faces as we could to past the time. My red lantern 'ball' rolled off before the walk started!! HAHA It was a guiness record Singapore wanted to have so I guess 15,000 people holding on to lanterns could easily have overtaken the Germans' current record. FREE red lanterns. whether or not it works, whether the 'ball' falls off, doesn't make much of a difference. The sound of the horn and the first wave goes off! The 10km run for Men/Women/Veteran Open went off first. Soon after, our 5km Fun walk and run was flagged off!!! YIPPIE YAY!! There was music and drums playing as we walked into the tunnel. I agree with Ryan. He said it was like Lord of the Rings where the Orks were heading for war, slowly trudging forward towards enemy territory, preparing for battle.

500m into the tunnel, we reached a stretch of darkness where the red lights shone dimly as we moved along, not brightening our paths and soon an accident happened. A female runner supposedly for the 10km run knocked into an elderly lady who was in the free black KPE swing top.

Oh..I forgot to mention earlier that the free Tees came with the race pack that Roger and I collected on 6 Sep. They came in different colours - BLACK (which was pretty dumb because a black top in a dark surrounding?? Bad Combination), luminous ORANGE, GREEN and YELLOW! As for sizes, females were standard M and males XL. For some it seemed to fit ok, for others it was like drooping! Oh well..many wore their own tops, nevertheless.

As I was saying, the elderly lady got knocked down and though not entirely serious, there will surely be some superficial wounds bearing in mind of the surface we all were walking on! The lightings got quite boring after awhile because they were the same over and over and some people started leaving through the exits of the expressway. I wonder how they tracked the timing because there was no if not little demarcations for the 5km Walk & 10km Run.

Towards the last 2.5km, Ryan and I left Roger behind and ran towards the finish line (Eh..Roger said he was tired and told us to run along and that he will meet us later). We ran pretty fast I must say and the lane for the 10km runners were all pretty clear already so when we finished....we collected the goodie bag meant for the 10km runners! HAHAHAHA....I compared with Roger's and there was really no difference anyway...DUH!

Ryan was supposed to be doing the 10km run but because it was my first walk/run event, he companied me..SWEEEEEET! And Roger! You did well too! Waking up early for some exercise!! Don't forget our Tue/Wed run..HAHAHA..

So yah..there you have it...that pretty much summed up the morning for you...thereafter we headed back to Kovan for Macdonalds Big Breakfast!!! SLURP SLURP!! Aiyah..don't say all that exercise is for nothing leh....very hungry lah!!

Half Dead

Today is Friday. Aren't Fridays supposed to be happy and relaxing? I guess it's been a long week and sleep wasn't enough to bring me to life on Friday!!!!!!!! It is a slow moving day with a trip down to the Basement at work to review some archive matters. At least there was some elvator travelling other than sitting at the workstation all day. My buddy Roger is also half as dead, his face looking worse than ever and scratching his eyes so much they seem to want to pop!!! And his tummy...GOSH!! hahahahaa...mine is not doing any better. It's growing too.......FAT!!!! HAHAHAHAH

Today is also assignment due day for one of the modules. As it is only a simple electronic submission, it ain't that bad. Saturday will be stay home day to continue with the next assignment that will be due soon in order not to let things become a rush job like how it always does. There's class tonight. I really want to go home and not attend class so I can catch up on my rest but it's one of my favourite modules I must say and the most difficult because of the calculations within - ACCOUNTS!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHiHH!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot stand accounts. I only secured a PASS which was really good already because I never had background knowledge during my education years. Perhaps it is just called self consolation.

Today is gym day with dear before class. I officially end work at 5.30pm but I was late for work today - 8.55am. Oh HACK! I will still leave at 5.30pm so that I can reach the gym at 6 and workout till 7pm and head to class after a quick shower. I am feeling so lazy and tired that I wonder if anything can be done at gym today. I brought the gear and shoes and yes a pretty heavy bag indeed but let's not waste it hur? Gym is a must considering that I've been stocking up on my mooncake calories for the past week; at least one whole mooncake per day with additionals from colleagues and vendors.

So ya...that sums up the first half of the day. The second half will be a fire fighting process with some IT department. Users and technical specs...NEH! Doesn't complement very well. Time to solve miscommunications and misunderstandings if any. I am gonna grab ma lunch now. Hunger pangs are coming in waves. I will try to control the diet though it won't help especially when my stomach calls for food.

Looking forward to Sunday! KPE Run...but dredding the waking up in the morning at 6am!! DARN!

Your Fault? My Fault?

My topic for blogging today is about pointing fingers, not that any has happened to me recently but really, I know this happens all the time and I will say that most of the time it is because of some communication break down. It applies to friendship, relationships and marriages. I remember reading off somewhere about a marriage breaking down. Apparently, it is already in the process because the couple cannot keep their hands off other people! Affairs! They really break down relationships. Why do it you might ask? The thrill? Exciting isn't it? Yeah, for a start they are. And when thrills become involvement and cannot do without, this is when things can turn ugly especially for married couples. I won't dare to say it is less for dating couples but married couples made a vow..till death do us part...what happened to that? Maybe we should change this so-called vow to till affairs do us part. Oh! Wouldn't that sound so much better? Or even couples who want to continue playing after getting married can choose the vows to suit the status of the relationship? How about it? What happened to the days when marriages and relationships were taken seriously? WHAT HAPPENED???? I know I shouldn't sound noble and all because we all have a past. We let it go and move on and learn from the experience. We shouldn't repeat the same mistakes. But why keep harping on things when one has already taken that step to separation and divorce? It is odd that only when things happen and break down will people start taking things seriously and hope to patch the pieces back. Sure you can, but the scarring remains. It is a fact. It is reality. It is just no turning back. Then when one cannot find the answers, the blame game begins! The war of the fingers until one backs down and then the other starts calling names. How convenient!!

Now Now..don't worrie...nothing's happened to my relationship..I just read off somewhere about this point-finger issue and feel so irked I cannot help it!!! I just gotta pen it here!! AHHHHHHHHHHH....

Seriously man...the gal has issues!! The guy as well and he doesn't talk much..and just lets her guess..he gives ambiguous answers and she keeps assuming!! Bad combination don't you agree? Nothing comes out of it. If the decision has already been made, the affairs all breaking lose and coming out from under the carpet, then let it all out and move on...you cannot unchange things isn't it? Start afresh...how fresh can you get? The scars will always be there..one time...two times..how many times can you cheat and never get found out? One must be that STUPID to think that. And after cheating and getting found out, you want forgiveness? Woooo....I'd say it's best to just back down, shut up and run away..if your affair wants you...perhaps it's better that way...

I wonder what controversial comments I will get from this entry....so people...fire away!!

Mid-Autumn Celebration at East Coast Park

Mid-Autumn Celebration at East Coast Park - 6 September 2008

A simple say-it-all title which doesn't require much elaboration except that it poured cats and dogs till about 3 in the morning! Fortunately, all the raw food had been cooked at the quickest speed ever for BBQ!!! The wind was gusty and the fire burnt strongly. We do not need to fan the fire using paper plates like in other BBQ occasions. Or so we thought that the rain will not come because the wind seemed to be blowing the clouds in the opposite direction. The sky was blazing red and isn't it supposed to be red sky = no rain????!!! Or was it the other way around because it soon started storming while we ran from shelter to tent. It was very comical because we did shift everything to a nearby shelter thinking it would rain. And after 30min when it didn't, we shifted everything back to the pit....only to suddenly have rain drops falling on our heads getting harder and angrier each time...and we realised we ought to take cover at a huge tent set up slightly further away. Well, the food did get 'wet', together with all of us, sceaming and yelling as we all ran for the tent. I brought the camping light with 4 new batteries and sad to say, it died on me, probably short circuit when it got wet. It was so dark and we'd to make do with whatever we have. A moon-gazing affair with lanterns became candle-in-the-wind. HAHAHAHA.There were chairs and tables there and we placed all the food there and sat around the table drinking late into the night. Lo and behold...we've two new 'Merlion' winners!!! They are non other than David and YangShun!! WOOOOOOO!!! The two that crowned Joyce as the 2007 Merlion now became one themselves!! HAHAHHA....M sure Joyce was smirked the whole time but who wouldn't be after getting laughed at time and time again? I wonder how things will be in class tonight..will there be any embarrassment? HAIYAH..I am sure the two will be too thick-skinned to feel a thing!! HAHAHAHA....

Whatever it was, it was a great night with lots of laughter and screams and shrills!! Sorry to all who'd to put up with the 3 bitches - me, Joyce and Su!!! I know we were super high and talking so loudly and laughing like a hyena but we were just enjoying ourselves too much and over-crapping. And yes, we were quite rude in shooing some of you away because we really couldn't fill you in on some dirty little secrets of ours that dated way back....If you do read ma blog, please accept my apologies...don't hate me k?

Brandon, nice of you to send David and gang back. Yeah, luckily we didn't allow David to drive after all that booze. Hope everyone had fun and it was a 'whirlwind' affair that night cum wee morning! Perhaps if it didn't rain it could've been more fun, but m glad it was an organised, amazingly enjoyable and 'high' event and most importantly, a showcase of outstanding class spirits and cooperation!

And not forgetting, the many photos of our gatherings to live by!!!

Sleepy Friday

Good Morning to me!

Wake up already! Boarded the train for work with my huge 'ninja turtle' bag that always gets in the way of commuters. A packed train with little space to move around not because it was superly packed but rather people not knowing who to make more space for other people. The newer trains have the bars (in between cabin connectors) removed; I believe for a simple reason to allow commuters to stand further in from the doors 'for the convenience of all passengers'. And no, people don't really think that way and have an imaginary bar in front of them or something so they refuse to move in, or budge when I try to go through. Perhaps they don't understand my body language when I peered inwards to find space and feel that I should just stand where I am and not move so much. I was nice because I was sleepy and the mind just didn't wanna argue so I asked this lady with a face of blank beside me: "Can I go through?" She did make way for me reluctantly after giving me dagger stares. I bet she must be feeling sleepy too because the weather is simply too good for slumberland and not the push and shove train ride on a Friday morning!!!! URRRGHH!! I share the same sentiments, lady!

I was glad that the lady standing next to her was more considerate and shifted towards the 'cabin connector' (ok, I really don't have the technical name for it yah???) . SWEET. And yes, I did wish I didn't have my 'ninja turtle' because it's superly space consuming...yet as luck would have it....station by station the train went...people got off!!!!! HAHAHA..more space for me, myself and the 'ninja turtle' and my umbrella (with the weather so unpredictable these days, one shouldn't take the chance without an umbrella eh?). Ok, I just want to read my book..I am so hooked onto Eclipse - the 'adult' vampire stories by Stephanie Meyer (her first book - Twilight - will be out on the big screens soon! 21 NOVEMBER 08!!).

Forgive the thoughts as they can be quite incoherent and disjoint. Paragraphs of this blog might not connect all that properly but who cares hur? haha

I reached my train destination and bringing the umbrella was indeed a smarty thing...because it was raining and people were stranded at the station. It is odd but every time this happens and I've an umbrella, I start to wonder if I were the one stranded, will people be nice enough to shelter me? Whatever it was and as nice as I am(..HAHAHAHA...)I offered my shelter to a lady..of course I chose the prettier one (ok..it sounds perverse but I am just being honest!!)...sweet looking and petite..who was friendly and we striked a short but pleasant conversation when we crossed the road junctions to our offices. She thanked me and I wished her a happy friday and I must say...a pretty good start to our day!

You might think I am crazy but as much as I hate my work..I love it...for my colleagues and friends. It will be a slow day but I am waiting for the end of it..not because it is the end of a work day but rather, time to meet Dearie Pants for gym and dinner!

Awaiting impatiently for tonight and the BBQ tomorrow! CHEERS!

It's Raining Friends

It's been raining non-stop this evening but bringing away the heat is one thing and raining at odd hours and wierd intervals....seriously can make people sick!! Yet, my goodie frens and I never fail to have a good time taking photos..yes cam whores I am...and with my new blog skin and happier entries...I just need to store them in here and write about them in case this new found blogging interest wears off and it hits a lull. Suddenly I feel I cannot seem to put the thoughts into words when it comes to happy entries. I wonder why. Could it be that I have been penning awful feelings into words? Whatever it is..time for a change hur? After years of tears, heartbreak and near depression, life is short and what more to live it to the fullest and be happy with each moment in time? HA! My philosophy of a contented person.

Anyways..here're the photos I intend to show u....Roger and Rachel and me! YIPPIE!

Cute and huggable friends to help me get through the toughest days at work. Appreciate your love, care, patience and fantastic sense of humor!

Name 'Bloggering'

From today onwards, this blog will contain many things other than emotions. For one, I have a colleague right now who is bugging me on a blog name for his blog. YES HIS BLOG!!! And I have to wrack the brains to come up with names for this choosey one. It is tough to come up with a name because most of it are already chosen and unavailable. My colleague is still trying to come up with a suitable name...I bet he is gonna sit here till the end of the day and still fail to find a name for his blog!!!! Goodness Gracious! Is it really so difficult? Let me give you some of the names he came up with:

Contributing Prohibiting Fun
Blogspot
H20
Morethanwords
Text
Roje
RonaldoChristiano

And well, the rest are pretty rude and vulgar I must say. Oh oh...and...after finding those that are available, he will make comments that they are stupid and then the cycle repeats itself...try punching in a few names, check availability, find them silly and redo it over and over again.

Finally!!! He has settled on a name!!! Now another vicious cycle starts - the title of the blog!!!
He is telling me he has yet to decide on the blog address and the title of the blog. One tough nut to crack...well, almost literally..haha

It is indeed a 'name bloggering' affair!!

K...time to go..help the damsel in distress...

----To me, a very bimbotic & brainless entry for ma blog---

Something Different

Ok...I must say this but the skin looks terrific! Thanks dearie pants for uploading it! You are indeed smartie!! Sucha cute doggie sitting up there with the tongue sticking out..hahahaha...

And yes, a different blog from all my past entries....definitely a happy happy one!

WAGGIE TAIL!!!

WOOF

The Psychology of the Mind

Horror flicks.

What makes a good horror movie? Is it subjective? Is it considered good when each and every image is imprinted in your subconsicous? Tough to understand and difficult to erase once planted in the mind. For me at least.

The love for gore intrigues me. Never understanding why but watching them in the late of the night builds the excitement. It was to the extent that I got bored because of the dozens and tons of uncensored grotesque films I have seen over the years. It stopped after some time. Now, asking me to watch any again can just bring me goosebumps and wild imagination, causing terrible unrest and sleepless nights. Why is this? Why now? Why me?

Insomnia - 'prolonged and usually abnormal inability to obtain adequate sleep' (from http://www.m-w.com/) Could it be because of the recent horror show I watched? Or it was originally stress and the movie just made things worse? I do not know. I want to find out. Sleepless nights have been stressful enough. Closing my eyes see nothing else but the scenes from the movie coming to live; in front of my eyes and disappearing to the back of my head and then repeating over and over again. Is the mind too weak to control the thoughts now? Was it even strong to begin with? Then why the ability to conquer in the past and not now? Could that be the reason why I have not been watching such shows anymore? Why did I even succumb to the peer pressure to go ahead with the show? Too many whys, again.

I prefer light now. I hate the darkness. Staring into the ceiling in the dark of the night drives my mind wild and crazy.

Think happy thoughts now, I tell myself. Think about the funny movies I have watched before, I tell myself. Chant. Look forward. No..stop, don't look back. Stop those freaking ugly faces from the show...get them out get them out!!! Turning the lights on. Suddenly, the area is brighter, less frightening, less imposing. What is coming after me? It's all in the head. It is a psychological battle against me, myself and I. It is as if I have gone back to my childhood days where thrillers, action movies, horror, gore, easily imprint themselves and give me the worst nightmares. I don't want to dream. I want to stop all these. Fear. Acknowledge it, the psychiatrist said. Don't turn them away. The more you run, the harder to escape.

Perhaps I should stop thinking altogether. Make myself busy. Tire the brains out. Relax. Listen to soothing music. Medidate. Do whatever it takes. Calm the mind. Ease the tension. Stop the pain.

All the thoughts rushing back again....

Go away..please...go away...

Tearing through my heart

I feel so sad I don't know why. I feel so lost I don't know why. Perhaps I can feel your confusion and your pain. Perhaps I am thinking what will become of us. I feel hot streams rolling uncontrollably down my cheeks. What am I going to do when you choice isn't what I expect? Is it your choice anyway? Could there be no other alternative? Now that I am also involved in that decision you soon will make, will it make it harder? Does it make you feel any better that I will support you in anyway? I know how hard it is with obligations. Yet you are not able to do anything about it because money is the issue? Without money, there can be no more studying; you might just need to resort to taking up the work or bum around at home. Perhaps you are now in the dark and cannot find a light to it. I don't know why you kept telling me to talk to you and that we can share about anything. Yet it doesn't seem that way for you. I just want to close all my doors again. I don't know what to do. Where is my support when I keep giving mine? WHERE? WHERE ARE YOU? Can't you see that while you are suffering inside, I am too? Could my parents be right? Relationship can wait. Why should I be serious with you now? Wouldn't it be affecting me? I feel that I am the one that make all your decisions so difficult because whenever you want to do something, I am there to stop you in your tracks and ask what if...
I feel so sad I don't know why.I feel so lost I don't know why..can you be there for me now? Please?

Is it so difficult to understand how tough it is juggling work and study? Or do I always portray the look of ease, carefree & no worries or stress? I don't understand why I have to be disciplined. Can't they not see it's called choice? I will accept whatever responsibility even if I took the wrong route and I made mistakes. Why can't I fall? Haven't I fallen so many times before? What's the difference now? Why tell me about rules and regulations if the actual reason is all so clear that I just need to stay home more often? Is it so difficult to just let go? Why say that if I were to stay in this house, I need to abide by houserules? Why now? Why compare me with people that are bums? I need space..I need my own air to breathe..I need a holiday. Why use my long deserved holiday against me? Why ask reasons for its length? Why say things like you did? It is tiring enough..work and all..why added pressure? Can't you see I have had enough? Could getting a dog be the wrong decision ever? It was choosing between dog and family...I chose family..and therefore the dog...is it so difficult to see? Why? Why all these? Havent I suffered enough of brainwash? Can't i just lead the life I wanted to? Why be afraid to let me fall yet at the same time saying if I don't fall now I don't learn...let me suffer...let me cry...let me go...I cannot understand anything...I have so many things right now and I don't want it affecting my only focus - my new degree; the one degree I can call my own, my achievement. It is tough making ends meet. No more depression, please...how much of anxiety and saddness can I go through again? Once, twice...enough!!! No more.....please...all these...just go away...take the pain away...the sorrow..the fear..the anguish..the hurt..And suddenly nobody is there..nobody understands..yet then again perhaps I just didn't let anyone understand..I kept everything to myself..what's new anyway? it's just me. I know myself.
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Tears coming in spurts; slowly..i feel ok...I don't feel ok...it all happens immediately and too fast...and too soon. Probably people are around so everything don't come out all at one shot. All I need now is a shoulder to cry on. Perhaps I need to see a shrink again. I don't know what to do. I hate it when I cry suddenly..and then I feel ok then I cry again and tear...i just wanna cry it all out...I don't feel hurt..i feel numbness. I feel indifferent. It is wierd. I need you here..yet I don't. I want to see you. I just want to run away; far away as possible. I don't want you to see me this way. I hate myself. I hate it when it happens. I hate feeling this way. I feel so suffocated. Anxiety pangs..tears of I don't know what...keep rolling down my cheeks. Anger, perhaps. Confusion, perhaps. Lethargy, perhaps. What? Why? Should i control? Stop it I say...stop all these silly thoughts going through your mind.
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The Big L.

Love Changes Everything

It's been so many months since I last blogged. Not many people view this space anyway. Hahaha..there's been changes..so many to be exact. Sadness all gone by. Love rolled in once more. How sweet it is to have someone like you yet the past lingers on. Memories are all it takes to get by. Remembering them is how we let them go. Simple? Of course not for those who're emotionally driven right now. Relationships fall through so easily just like how they start. Why? we may ask ourselves. When we're in love, we are so happy. The feeling is unfathomable. When we fall out of it, especially after years or sometimes even months, the anguish, the pain and then the misery bring daily darkness. We keep reliving the best times and the worst never fail to keep us occupied. Tears will flow and we don't know what we're crying for. Denial? Suffering? Undying love? Wait? When one party changes, the other seems victimised. But we grow in time. Waiting is always the hardest yet we still wait for that miserably 1% of hope though all odds are against us. Is this how it is in love? We envy those in love. We pity those who fall out of love. Love, hard to understand because it comes with pain and happiness at the same time. Then it might not be love but the perspective of an individual on it. How we see it changes love, how we act upon it changes love, how we experience it changes love. Nothing is perfect. It is how we compliment the little imperfections that makes us whole.

We think, we wonder, we ask, we question and we wait.

Happiness Is...

i don't wanna lose you,I don't wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And i don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But i don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool i keep losing my place
And i keep seeing you walk through that door
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Now i could never change youI don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes i may have hurt you
But i did not desert you
Maybe i just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where i used to lay
And there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know its your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Set Me Free

If I'm not in love with you
What is this I am going through, Tonight
And if my heart is lying then
What should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Every time I think about you, baby
Why else do I want you like I do
If I am not in love with you

And if I don't need your touch
Why do I miss you so much, Tonight
If it's just infatuation then
Why is my heart aching
To hold you forever
Give a part of me I thought I'd never
Give again to someone I could lose
If I am not in love with you

Why in every fantasy
Do I feel your arms embracing me
Lovers lost in sweet desire
Why in dreams do I surrender
Lying with you baby
Someone help explain this feeling
Someone tell me

If I am not in love with you
What is this I am going through, Tonight
And if my heart is lying then what should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Every time I think about you baby
Why else do I want like I do

If I am not in love with you


Am I true to you, the way I really feel. Have I told you all the regrets that hurt, the mistakes I've made, the wrongs I want to make right. I want to rid how crazy I've become, to have a fresh start, to hold a different perspective, to know how you feel, to create a better world for you and me. Why did it all turn out this way? The mess I've made. Forgive myself for the torture, pain and guilt. The deceit, the lies. I cannot understand the way I feel, the wild imaginations I have, the paranoia all these makes. You've done so much so far. I drove you away. How sad that is for you and me. But things happen for a reason don't they? You needed me. I ran away. I lived in self denial. You ran too! For awhile. To lead a more carefree life. To pull away from the strings of love & hysteria. You understood how much you loved me then. I kept on trying again and trying. I calmed down. You came back. I moved on, though. Was it too late I ask myself now; if only I could've waited a little longer. But like it always is, we live for today. Today affects tomorrow. Tomorrow the day after and then the future. But tomorrow we can never see, let alone the future. So why not be happy for now, the present, the moment? Reliving the past; it keeps catching up with me. Haunting me, hunting me down. I am weak. Seems weaker than before. Where was the strength I'd? I cannot say no. I have no mind of my own or perhaps I simply don't use it. I never dared to make decisions out of the ordinary. I never wanted to try hard enough. Pushing myself too much, expectations drive me crazy. I fear to fail and so I stop in the middle of my tracks and head backwards, back into the comfort areana I have already travelled and know the route, the familiar one that will never go wrong, for now. Never accepting change. Scared to see what happens after that. Anticipation. Expectations. Expecting how I should feel is a terrible thing. When the expected feeling doesn't go as "planned", I feel upset, sickened, not understanding why it should be so since it seemed to me, at first, that I "SHOULD BE" feeling that way, anyway. How did it ever lead to this?

I wonder if you'll run away again. I seem to be tightening everything around you once more. I know that to love someone is to set them free. If they come back to you, it's meant to be. If they don't then perhaps not now, not this life. We are all scared to let go. We get too attached to things. When an attachment is lost, we are lost. We cannot find the direction we could see so clearly when we were free. All, right now, is about me, my stupid selfish me, myself and my sorrowful love, my frustrations and my hurt. I am forgetting that no man is an island and all that comes with it. I imagine living in my own misery, my own regrets, my own guilts, indulging in my own self-pity. Be strong I keep telling myself. There'll always be someone there to help me when I fall, not you, not me, not them but someone. When all hope is bleak, all strength is weak, all light is dim, all road is winding, the earth never stops rotating, the world keeps moving, the light keeps flikering, the wind keeps blowing, dreams keep living, moods keep swinging. Nothing stops to wait for me. Only I choose to let everything else stop because I myself stopped with whatever is holding me back. I choose the path of death. Or I can choose the path of life. The path of light and hope and love.
Set me free................

The Love

The Courtship - The Get together - The Blossom - The Game - The Neglect - The Hysteria - The Shrink - The Painic Attacks - The Time off - The Begs - The Tears - The Confession - The Issue - The Chance - The Won't Regret - The Change & more - The Revisit - The Hidden Secrets - The Movie - The Ring - The Pouches - The Engravements - The Hurt - The Pain - The Tears - The Explanation - The Thoughts - The Decision - The Meet - The Further Explanation - The Confusion - The Nostalgia - The Past - The Dreams - The Future - The Final Decision

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I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have so much more
I can feel your heart and I sympathize
And I'll never criticize all you've ever meant to my life

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way than to say good-bye

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
I don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but good-bye
You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure I'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me

My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way than to say good-bye

It's all Coming Back

There were many life turning events during those 3 years. No more were the lessons interesting. No more were the days exciting. They were all filled with lies and more lies. They were so full of deceit and uninviting thoughts. Why must it be so I often asked myself? How come my world seemed so bleak and depressing? Each day did not see light. Every step met darkness and more darkness. I reached out and hoped to hold something familiar. Everything was like a dream and waking up did not do any good either. Staring into space didn't make it any better. Wierd thoughts just kept coming. Imaginative and unrealistic ones too! Was I thinking too much? Was I expecting too much? What did I really want? So many questions and too little answers. Or maybe I had the answers but never got about putting them into action. Was it a love hate relationship with myself, my parents and my love life? Could anybody see the pain I was going through? 3 years saw me looking for answers to my wildest thoughts and 3 years later saw me giving up on them. There were too many whys and how come? I cannot explain and never can. Nobody could really understand as well. My parents were expecting too much from me though they never really said it directly. I over analysed the situations. Or was I simply too sensitive? Tears were my faithful companions. Anger was a part of me. I did not see my focus in life. I was lost. I just listened and did what people told me to because I felt they were always right. I made myself be used and regretted it. I also used myself thinking it was for the benefit of both and I regretted it. Death became that part of me that I can never let go. Only did I realise that it never really went away. I just found someone and there, let it go again. I stepped into another relationship without understanding or letting myself get over the previous ones. Again and again I let myself into more entangling masses and got out of it by going into another again. Finally it seemed that I got myself free from it all. And then it all came back to me.