Going Crazy

Suddenly everything seems to collapse around me again. The flashbacks get stronger, the emotions pinch my already bleeding heart. What's wrong I ask myself and cannot find an answer. Little things irritate me. Urgh!! Too much negativity in me. Terrible Terrible!

Just heard a song on the radio..and thought just randomly paste the lyrics here.

Westlife - If I Let You Go

Day after day

Time passed away

And I just can't get you out of my mind

Nobody knows, I hide it inside

I keep on searching

but I just can't find

The courage to show to let you know

I've never felt love like this before

And once again

I'm thinking about

Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never know

What my life would be holding you close to me

Will I ever see

you smiling back at me ?

How will I know

if I let you go ?

Night after night I hear myself say

Why don't this feeling just fade away

There's no one like you (no one like you)

You speak to my heart (speak to my heart)

It's such a a shame we're worlds apart

I'm too shy to ask, I'm too proud to lose

But sooner or later I gotta choose

And once again I'm thinking about

Taking the easy way out

If I let you go

I will never know

What my life would be,

holding you close to me

Will I ever see you smiling back at me?

(oh yeah)

How will I know if I let you go ?

If I let you go ooooh baby

Ooooooooohhhhh

Once again

I'm thinking about

Taking the easy way out

If I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be,
holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know if I let you go ?

After a long while

It's been sucha long time since my last entry.
Alot has changed.
Finishing attachment, getting into a new job and now changing for another..something that I have always wanted, hopefully.
Starting 2 November 2009 will be a whole new chapter of my career. This time, I got to make it work. No more government sector, restricted by a million processes and red tape.
Been so uptight about alot of things lately and wonder if change is for the better.

If only I can predict the future...

For a Seamless Journey

Monday is off to a good start.

I told myself Good Friday is this Friday and therefore it's just a short work week! No classes and therefore more time for the dog, myself and assignments. Due this week are 3 heavy weights. The 3 days of work have been a transition and therefore last week was indeed a grumpy affair right through the weekend. Today, however, was somewhat different. I am getting into the relax mood, enjoying my honeymoon as a new staff. Time was spent wisely. The morning saw me heading to HQ for the induction programme; made new friends. Headed back to office with one of them because we were going to be located at the same office, just a different department. Nice getting to know people. I am, after all, a 'waggy tail'. hee hee hee.

I lunched with my colleagues. I don't take to 'children topics' very well. So there's really nothing much to say....had Yong Tau Fu and couldn't wait to leave. My dad surprised me by dropping me a message that he was round the corner for lunch with mum! So it gave me good excuse to escape from the generation gap..hahaha...ok don't tell me I am running away from one to another...

Here's the thing...the table my parents were sitting at was so cramp. It was extremely difficult for anyone to walk pass other than to knock you or push your chair away. Behind me was a Chinese man who could've pushing his chair in a little more. One of the aunties from the carrot cake stall shoved past me and my mum told me it was super deliberate. She also told me to 'take revenge' by doing the same when she walked past later. I had 2minutes to make my choice. I don't know what made me do what I did but just as she walked towards that narrow space between myself and the guy sitting behind, I stood up, moved my chair away and smiled at the lady who thanked me and smiled and we did a 'hi-five'. YEAH!! TOTALLY COOL!!! It was an indeed a funny sight. Again, don't ask me why I did that. I was just glad I did because shortly after I shifted my chair parallel to my dad's, as the table behind us (where the Chinese man originally sat) was being cleared, the lady clearing the empty dishes attempted to carry too many at one time and dropped them onto the Chinese guy and just right onto the space where my mum told me to block the Aunty earlier!!!!!! Ok, the description of this scenario might sound absolutely bimbotic but I just have to narrate it this way. Call it candid if you wish.

Finished the coffee, headed back to office and the rest of the day passed quickly. Let's hope tomorrow is another happy one. Meeting dear to discuss our assignments. ONE DOWN!! 2 more to go this week! WOOHOOOOooooo...WORK IT WORK IT WORK IT!!!

Heading Back into Fossil Age

Amazing how my life takes a turn. From one bureaucratic structure to another. I thought it was all over. I was happy. I tried something new for a month. And for the sake of money, I went back into what I never thought I would and told myself I never will. External forces affected my decision in a way. I feel so handicapped all of a sudden because I thought since they loved standardisation, shouldn't their IT be standard across the board too? People say I should not complaint so much because I should see myself - an irritated, frustrated young lady who doesn't know how lucky I am to have a job in such bad times. It is affecting my life, and I am taking it out on my boyfriend too! Who wouldn't get pissed if I repeat the same things over and over again when asked, "So how are you in your new job?" But look, who ever tells you things like, "My work don't require the internet so I don't see why you are so flustered without it?" Others go, "Relax man! Enjoy your honeymoon period. Why so gan jiong?" No wonder people there are totally oblivious to what is happening outside and totally fossil aged. Of course, one of me cannot instil change. People in such an organisation hate changes. Every corner lies an imaginery sign saying "Don't Rock My Boat, Please!"

I know it's bad to even mention that I need the internet for my personal agenda. Actually, if I don't have assignments or ain't studying now, I will just follow the rest and enjoy my honeymoon, reading my own book. accessing only the intranet and the intranet alone, and the great masterpiece called the Masterplan!! I hear you..."Not Happy, QUIT LAH! Complaint so much for what?" It's for the money remember? And yes, I will go on JUST FOR THE MOOLAH!!! It's hell of alot you know.....and now that I am almost broke, with monthly bills that never stop, I have to work.....and since I chose this path, made this decision knowing all too well what I am getting into (but I really didn't know it was that bad...worse than my previous similar sector) I will survive and perservere!!!!

Sorry to those who had to put up with me and my extreme anger the past 3 days. Ok, I have only been working for 3 days and I am telling the world I cannot take it anymore. What's wrong with me men? Not happy to have a job? Where is the contentment?

Corny as it may seem, I started work on 1 April. I am starting to wonder if it's all a bad joke.

It's a Dog's Life

Fire Crackers & Ang Pows

WELCOME...MOOMOO 2009!!

To all our Chinese friends, I wish you a Prosperous and Happy Chinese New Year!!

I am working today for half a day as I always do every alternate Saturday. Just bought Chocolate Truffle and Apple Crumble for my sister who's returning to Singapore for the CNY celebrations on Sunday afternoon. My workplace makes fabulous pastries and cakes but sorry people, only for the privileged few. Though there's staff discount, I am broke every month because a measly $500 allowance a month does little for the thinning wallet and pocket of holes.

It has been a rather tiring week where rest either didn't come easily or was insufficient. Hopefully, the longer weekend will revitalise my body for a shorter work week! hee hee hee Tonight will be scouting the streets of Chinatown with Dear, May & Irene in search for good new year buys and more photo taking!!! What's new right? hahahaha...Okie Dokies everyone! May the year of the ox bring more joy and at the same time strengthen ties with your loved ones in such turbulent times.

I'm a happy cow!

MOOOOOOOOOoooooo....

Love Is Sweet

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Time passes real slowly today.
I don't wish to be where I am.
My expectations are not met.
So many things going through my mind.
What do I do?
What can I say?
Where will I go?
I don't know.
Time passes real slowly today.

Fatty Jiggle & Wobble

It was yet another fantastic weekend where I worked half day on a Saturday before heading with Dear to Temasek Poly open house to catch the action where the senior students put up performances to lure O/N'Level graduates. We attended one by Business School and the skit was about Tiara Banks, Briani Spears & Next Top Model...Students!!!! I'd say pretty creative, wild and humourous. Tell me about my Secondary School or JC days where everything was academic & totally unimaginative. It was good to feel 18 again...HAHAHA..We visited every faculty they had, collected brochures & I stumbled upon a Diploma in Veterinary Science. I thought COOL! I can take that up next time since I didn't have the chance the last time. Unfortunately, one of the students who introduced me the course probably thought I was trying to show off me currently taking another degree & told me that if I wanted to continue collecting certificates, I am more than welcome to join them. Yes, it was a put off, really. Dear reminded me that they are 'kids' I am talking to & I was like "Oh yah...I totally forgot about that...still thinking they were at least 21." Oh well, they didn't have part time courses anyways. Their Chicken Cutlet was not bad though. HEE HEE HEE. The portion & price were reasonable. A late lunch we'd and the oil did churn the stomach funny.

Headed to Tampines Mall to take a look at movie timings...wondering if we could catch Ponyo On the Cliff By The Sea or perhaps Yes Man..GUESS WAD? While checking the timings on the TV screens, a group of guys approached us giving away free movie tickets because their friends couldn't make it at the last minute. They had a stack of 2 different movies with them - Bedtime Stories & 7 Pounds. We chose 7 Pounds coz we watched the former already. A heavy 2 hr show. Still not really hungry, we headed over to my place and walked Blackie before finally sitting at Simpang for wraps and Hummus. Met Herbert later....MAN! He was so late...

Sunday was Sentosa Day with Ryan & Claire! A fun afternoon without the sun and a few drops of rain but compensated with Satay Pizza & a jug of beer..hee hee hee..It was a short outing because Ryan had to head off for a family dinner and babe was tipsy!!! HAHAHHA..We agreed that the next time there shall be sun..because the waters were freaking cold...We took pictures..will upload a few fatty good ones later!!! BIiiiiOOONnnnGggg..

Waiting Hoping Expecting

The questions. When? Will you? Is it going to happen? Sometimes I wonder if it's just me; something I can never get over. At the same time I wonder if it happens only when I am in a relationship, when I am more committed. Will I ever get through this? Why the insecurity? Or is it?

I really thought all these are just a figment of the past. It should not be reoccuring and it is odd that it is. Perhaps I am not busy enough. Perhaps I think too much or rather I am starting to all over again. When will all these stop? Probably too much TV is bad. Some characters do relate to me and seeing them evoke memories. I worry that things are taken for granted. I worry that history will repeat itself. I worry that all I have will disappear. I worry that I slip into that realm of losing direction & control - that realm I still find myself hovering over. If not careful, I will just be sucked back in. Is this called the haunting of the past? Or simply just indulging too much into it?

After all these, I realise I never got over what I intended to. It is obvious since it is happening again. I need to block them out and be disciplined enough to understand that things are different now. I am a different person. The past experiences should act as teachings and not be events I brood over and keep bringing back. Will you message me? Will you call me? I start to expect and anticipate. When those anticipated wishes are not fulfilled, I get disappointed. Nobody's fault really. It is all in my mind. I form the hope. I expect returns. I don't get any. I sit there and wait, pondering over "Will we meet?" Is it so difficult for me to just ask? And right before I can, the bubble of thoughts will form again - "Am I too demanding?"

I am sure we ask ourselves where life is taking us and when it will take us? I see many working on the same mundane task day-in day-out and telling me they don't really have a choice because of responsibilities and comittments. Doesn't it become tiring when there are no more challenges from the day we awake to reaching the office to ending the day and the whole cycle repeating itself? Yet when we take risks, we are faced with scrutiny. When we make it eventually, pursuing our dreams, the audience will applaud us. When we fail, we find who our true friends are & the bystanders' chant - "I told you so". Where do we go? What do we fear? How many steps should we take?

When will it end?

Today

The intern is busy. Without her laptop, work suddenly comes non-stop.
Blackie needs a visit to the vet. A fungal-like skin infection that stubbornly refuses to go away. Poor Charcoal Boy.

Ok, that's all for today.

A Post of Love

All I want is to be in your heart,
For us to be together

And never be apart.

When you are sad,
I will dry your tears
When you are scared,
I will comfort your fears.
No one else in the world can ever compare
You're perfect and so is this love that we share.

Numbers Numbers Numbers

I hate dealing with numbers and I've had enough of this since the day I was asked to help out here. I know what I like and it definitely is nothing related to Finance - accounts or investments! So take me out of this godforsaken place already! You know what I like as well! Perhaps you guys don't like the fact that I bring my own laptop and do my own stuff but let's face it, I am HELPING you with whatever you are doing when actually after being here you can do it YOURSELF! It isn't difficult..in fact it is brainless. I know I am squabbling here but I really cannot take it! I need to air out the crazy hormonal imbalance in me!!!! It is also called PMS or Premenstrual Syndrome if you may.

PMS varies from woman to woman. It causes fatigue, irritability, emotional upsurges and even depression. I don't know for whatever reason, I am never a big fan of Chinese New Year. The family reunions, everything to do with family. I MUST this..I MUST that..Yes, give me all your filial piety shit..

I cannot wait to migrate...leave this country...leave the home...ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! HUMPH!

Photos for My Day!

Dear & Me at Shin - Because of the lighting, we tried a black & white shot!

Our dinner for the night!

We tried out a few colour shots after dinner..haha

YAY! We'd a great time!

Waking Up to A Great 2009!

30 Dec was well spent. Yes, I worked. I did get paranoid because I remembered working on my b-day in yr 2005 & fell down big time. Never did I dare work on that day again till 2008. My colleagues celebrated it for me, surprising me with a cake. AMAZING! I really didn't expect it because I am only an intern, afterall. Thank You!!

Dinner was at Shin (Suntec). Food was exquisite. I was very late...sorry to make you wait Dear! Yah, that pretty much settled the day- the way I liked it.

I worked half a day on 31 Dec 08 and then my second ad-hoc shift at 5pm with Dear, at an event at Shangri-La Hotel which lasted till 2.30am. I must say it was an enjoyable experience even though the New Yr's eve was spent working. Time passed really fast because I was in charge of photo cutting & pasting & being a Dinner and Dance, you can imagine the number of pictures people wanted to take! Yes, every job has a different skill set no matter how menial it may be. It did get quite tedious when the attendees started coming by 'demanding' for their earlier taken photos. I felt bad because there was only one printer on set & the printing speed wasn't the desired one, unfortunately. Nevertheless, we tried the best as we could & churned out almost 700 photos! For those who didn't manage to get theirs printed, the soft copy will be sent to the company after the event.

Needless to say seeing Dear's role that day, mine was absolutely incomparable. hee. Doing lots of running around, intercom, following the time schedule, it was pressurising on Dear's part to make sure that the acts were on time and the talents arrived on schedule. Regardless of what happens in between, the end result cannot be failure. Of course, with proper pre-planning & cooperation (kudos to Azre & Dear), the event was a success!!! And I got paid for the work rendered!! YAY! Enough to pay for Charcoal's food! We headed home after supper at about 4am.

Waking up 6hrs later for lunch at 1pm was a sweet affair. Welcoming the New Year 2009 this way was indeed magical!

My Day

It is a blast!
It is fabulous!
It is happy!

It is sweet!
It is amazing!
It is magic!
It is family!
It is super duper waggy tail!
It is friendly!
It is loyal!
It is............................................

Charcoal & me..

AND It is YOU YOU YOU....All of you...YOU made my day. HURRAY

Being Me

Having the wacky hormonal imbalances is not unusual for us ladies. There will be times of high and times of low. During the latter, we feel extremely lost with the mood swings appearing at odd times of the day. As we get older, these feelings start to turn into hot flushes and even more severe emotional changes.

When we are younger, we focus alot on our studies. Little do we've time to play. For me at least. I wonder where my childhood went, looking back. Time seemed to past without me yearning to go back to 10 years ago. Could it have been that bad? Or is there really nothing worth remembering? I realised that everytime someone asks me about my past, I will start to recollect that unfateful day. I won't be spelling it out but that was the turning point - a life changing turning point. It made me appreciate the fragility of love and friendship that can only be understood through memories and time. Does it make me strong again? Definitely. At the same time, it shows me how important it is to reveal your feelings sometimes, because you never know when you will ever get that chance again.

Have you experienced that feeling where you lost something precious and found it again years later only to realise that things have changed and what you so dearly lost & now found, no longer felt the same? In order not to be bias here, I am sure there are those who are tremendously happy finding what was lost. When it comes to feelings, it's more complicated. When you lose it, you lose it almost completely. Even when he or she returns to your life, it isn't the same. I always wonder how people can change; get married and express their vows & love for each other and the next minute, they are getting a divorce. It makes me afraid seeing so many failures. Having been in a few relationships have taught me alot. It has changed me. I am glad it is for the better. Being more sensitive and trying very hard never to make the same mistakes over and over again, my motto to living now is always be happy.

And thanks to all the people I have met, acquaintances, family & friends, you have made a difference in my life, in one way or another. Don't worry whether you've made it happening, happy or sad, it is all in the name of the learning journey.

Spending My Time

What's the time?
Seems its already morning
I see the sky, its so beautiful and blue
The TV's on
But the only thing showing is a picture of you

Oh, I get up and make myself some coffee
I try to read a bit but the story's too thin
Then I thank the Lord above
That you're not there to see me
In this shape I'm in

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you think of me too
I'm spending my time

I try to call but I don't know what to tell you
I leave a kiss on your answering machine
Oh, help me please
Is there someone who can make me
Wake up from this dream?

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you are missing me too
I'm spending my time
Watching the sun go down
I fall asleep to the sound
Of "tears of a clown"
A prayer gone blind
I'm spending my time

My friends keep telling me: Hey, life will go on
Time will make sure will get over you
This silly game of love you play you win only to lose

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you are missing me too
I'm spending my time

Watching the sun go down
I fall asleep to the sound
Of "tears of a clown"
A prayer gone blind

I'm spending my time...

Working on a Saturday Morning

Good Morning everyone! Rise and shine now!!! The sun is right at your bum!!!! Isn't it hot?

Oh well, another of the alternate Saturday work week where I cannot go out late on a Friday night and I try my very best to squeeze in just that few more minutes of sleep before dragging myself out of bed. Today is the day I rebel (not that I have not done any of such things..hee hee hee). Putting on my Country Road skinny jeans (I have thank Dear publicly for choosing it), a loose colourful top (I cannot get over Christmas yah??!! New Yr is here too!!! Season to be jolly, it is!) and Fred Perry, I headed to the train station where I met my intern-friend for the 40min train ride to Commonwealth, change to a bus and proceeded to Green Green Grass of Holes. Tough to be late when you wake up at 6.15am and gotta reach the office by 8.30am. We can always board the latest shuttle at 8.25am. Punch cards are so passe but never here! Everything is pretty manual. By the way, jeans are not allowed and neither are T-shirts or skimpy tops. HACK IT I said and so I am dressed the way I dress! In fact, many have been turning up in jeans and clothes more suitable for a trip to the grocer's than for work. Which is worse? Coming to work late or dressing inappropriately? Go figure..

26 December 2008

Went with Dear to his friends' gathering. It was a simple BBQ affair with the usual food like Chicken Wings, Satay etc etc. We didn't get there till 9pm because by the time I got home, ran the dog (we beat the rain) and showered, it was almost 8pm. Sorry Dear! Did I make you starve?

Finally saw Azre again, lanky Tuan Tuan, Azmi, Nasser & a few new faces I heard about but didn't see before. A sweet gathering of the gay pride!!!! Corny, cranky and gross jokes galore!! very unsuitable for the young and lighthearted. Took lots of photos that will be gracing facebook soon so watch out for them...heeheehee...see me making monkey faces and doing a star jump! Dear sent me home at about 10.20pm. If not for me working the next day, we would've stayed longer!!! ARGGHH!!

27 December 2008

Meeting Dear & his friends, May & Irene, later after work. Thank you May for inviting me!!!! hee hee hee Shopping, doing our hair and dinner. I brought camera!!! More cam whoring again!!!! Stay tuned for more updates....hopefully less words and more pictures for my next post.

TILLLLLADOOOOooooooo...

Joy to My World

Christmas Eve, 24 December 2008, 7pm

The eve was spent half day at work before heading home to prepare for the family dinner at night. The dinner was boring - could be the generation gap. It was either the kids table or the more-than-half-a-century-old table. I eventually chose the in-between that was made up of a husband & wife. Yes, that's all. It was a quiet 'party' that my dad agreed on my attendance without consulting me first. Because I was there every year, I suppose it was just taken for granted that I will not have plans or I must cancel any plans whatsoever.

9pm

I really couldn't stand staying there a minute longer because I finished dinner at 7.35pm & tried hard to entertain myself but to no avail. Anyhow, I made my quick escape at 9 for AMK because I was scheduled to meet Dear for a movie - IP Man - at 11.35pm. I was at AMK extremely early and while waiting, I walked around. Of course, not being a shopping fan, I started getting bored...again..Now don't tell me girls should like shopping and therefore I must be lying. I do admit that sometimes the shopping urge comes along but most of the time, I do not shop aimlessly. I will shop for a reason and seldom, it is for myself. So I am the kind where after I have gotten what I set out to buy, I will be lost because I don't know what to do after that..hee hee hee...

10.15pm

Finally Dear arrives!!!! We sat down for some drinks while waiting for the show to start. I must say the movie was great! Thanks Dear! The wait was worth it...keekekkekeke..

1.20am

Home Sweet Home

Christmas Day, 25 December 2008, 3pm

Dear and I headed to Hougang Mall to take a walk. We managed to buy what we wanted for a simple meal we were going to cook that night - Pan fried salmon, Lettuce wrapped with minced pork. We didn't want it too heavy because lunch was pretty late. An inexpensive dinner with lots of love. What more can I ask for? *WINK WINK*