Self-worth

I think they call it mid-life crisis. But I am far from 45.

It is strange for me to even feel this way.

I feel ugly. Perhaps this process is called ageing. The skin sags, the dark eye circles get even darker. I don't feel good about myself anymore. Everyday after work, I rush home. Every morning I rush to work. Other days, I rush to gym then to work. Every minute I am rushing. Where is the time for myself? 

I am tired. 

My hair is thinning. It has lost the shine. It looks dead and lifeless. My skin is dry, coarse to the point of scaly. Deep inside I think I am crying. A part of me is dying. 

What am I living for? Where is life's meaning? 

Undercurrents

Happy yet having mixed feelings.
Nobody knows how stormy the undercurrents within me can be.

Nothing must go wrong. Nothing.

I hate myself

I hate myself for being me.

Really wish I was dead so that torments are for others to live with.

Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy. It is not arrogant. It does not boast.

A mouthful of a title.

But is it true? Why is love usually measured by wealth? Is it so materialistic? I am expending so much energy wondering why after a comment I heard made my someone close. It makes me sad. It makes me cry. Yet, it makes me want to fight for love so much more. The real love. The one that does not envy, has no greed, has no tag to status. Mankind has made the word so pure become so evil.

Money is the root of all evil. Not love.

Chandelier

Party girls don't get hurt
Can't feel anything, when will I learn
I push it down, push it down

I'm the one "for a good time call"
Phone's blowin' up, they're ringin' my doorbell
I feel the love, feel the love

1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink

Throw 'em back, 'til I lose count

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cos I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cos I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight

Sun is up, I'm a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame

1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
 

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

Alone

I always look forward to weekends. However, weekends have, time and time again, been seeing bouts of unhappiness. Although today's hasn't been the worse compared to others, it has shown me the meaning of being alone.

Sometimes I think I am going crazy with "voices" going on in my head. In recent years, I have discovered I am unable to explain my thoughts coherently and I am also unable to remember my sequence of events precisely. In fact, many a times, my brains decide to form a story of their own based on old events and maybe subconscious imaginations triggering unwarranted emotions as a result. I am uncertain if this has been accumulated from events of the past or perhaps even childhood memories.

Could all these be the reasons why my other relationships fail? But I have never been told these before till now.

I digress.

An outburst like today's is caused by none other than my inability to answer questions asked directly and coherently. I tend to give a vague answer or keep quiet or even think I have given an answer but actually it was just something that doesn't make sense because maybe I didn't want it to make sense -  my own brain defence mechanism that prefers to lie - and hope the lie can give me a solution to just escape from the problem and that everything will be ok.

Fat Hope. Things are never going to be ok.

Another reason why arguments arise is because I am stubborn in nature. It just seems to be a trait I own. My ability to learn suffers as a result. I hear what he says but I don't listen. Instead, the devil within decides to play with my emotions and hopes that whatever I think is true becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy where in actual fact, I was only imagining things. That wasn't how he thinks. He was only clarifying so that he could plan. He wasn't angry either. He only became angry when I didn't listen to his decision and continued with what I originally thought was right. Likewise the same thing happened during lunch. All was good but I decided to continue doing what I wanted despite him already telling me what I should do.

Day in day out. It is the same old thing. I am sure he is feeling suffocated. I had to have the last say in that final argument before he stormed off. I am sure whatever I said, he felt accused because he didn't do what I insisted he did.

I am ridiculous.

Oddly at 32, I start to realise how queer I am. Unlike others, I have no beauty, no brains, no smarts either. Work has not been kind. I feel so inadequate compared to my peers. I cannot write well and still continue to step on toes. Nothing seems to be working out. I am falling into another black hole.

Maybe I should be alone. Alone forever.

For better or for worse

Despite all the quarrels we have, how bad, how heated, how it ends, I still love the man. He is the one I want to be with. Through good and bad they say. And yes, that is what I will do. I love you!

For the first time

And for the first time in many years, we have decided to take a breather. 

Where will this lead? Hopefully something better. The unknown always bewilders me; it brings me much fear. 

Deep down, it hurts and pains me. I cannot imagine what it would be like without him.

Making the Wrong Right

Once I have said the wrong things, I can never take my words back. I can only hope that the message I sent out won't be too damaging, emotionally and mentally. I get so worried whenever I communicate how I feel or what my thoughts are because I never know what it would mean to the recipient. 

I write this because this has happened to me many times over. And right now, I wish I could right all the wrongs. 

I hope that the moon and stars above
Shine upon me with their might and
Take away the darkness in my heart
That is tearing me apart

I hope that the waves and the tides of the sea
Come crashing down onto me
To wash away the tears
For eternity

I hope that the wind and rain
Blow and fall with such vigor
To strip me off the fears
That cause much terror

I hope that you and I
Understand more of each other
So that in our lifetimes
It will be love, forever.

A CUT above the rest

I celebrated my baby's birthday in style at CUT Singapore by the famous celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck. It was a great dinner choice, and I have to say Baby Chee wholeheartedly agreed with me.

We ordered 2 appetisers:

1) Hokkaido Scallop “Carpaccio,” Shaved Myoga, Wasabi-Kosho Ponzu and 















2)  Bone Marrow Flan, Mushroom Marmalade, Parsley Salad 

These were followed by the stars of the show:

3) From left to right:

Tasting of New York Sirloin
U.S.D.A. PRIME, Illinois Corn Fed 120g
American “Kobe Style” From Snake River Farms 120g
Japanese Wagyu from Shiga Prefecture 60g

American Wagyu / Angus “Kobe Style” Beef From Snake River Farms, Idaho
Ribeye Steak 280g

It was done medium-rare to perfection and it was mouth-watering to the maximum.

Like always, I am a greedy gal and we decided to go for the 3-kind cheese platter shown below:

4) Again from left to right: Moo Moo Cow Shropshire Blue Cheese, Sheep Cheese (forgot the name), Goat Cheese (my favourite but Alas! I cannot remember the name!)

 5) To end: The Chocolate Souffle that was most orgasmic!

6) And of course, with compliments from the chef for the birthday boy:

a) Goat's Milk Ice Cream

 

b) Melt-in-the-mouth- chocolate truffle cake

Finally, I just want to say I love you Baby Chee. Looking forward to celebrating all our birthdays together!

 

Always Feeling My Love

I thought I'd dedicate this awesome song to my one and only - Baby Chee.

I feel compelled

It is almost heart stopping but like how I have publicised the emotion over facebook from time to time, I have to sing my love for you on my blog page too!

Baby Chee, I love you. Thank you for winning the Class 95 Office Games challenge for me! I await our many hotel stays and gluttony indulgences! Of course, I await the day we start our lives together at Punggol. heh.

THUNDER BUDDIES FOR LIFE!!!

As if Thursday was not bad enough

I already said I hated people hitting my head; be it using your fingers or your hands. Why do you have to take a recycled bag with 4 seminar folders to throw at my head? Is it a game to you? What the F is wrong with you?? Are you crazy? Haven't what you got last week from me bad enough when you used the knuckle of your fingers to jab my head? Did you think I was joking? I can take almost everything except someone hitting my head or throwing something targeting at my head. Yes I yelled vulgarities, yes i threw the folders and the recycled bag back at you. So? I don't really F-ing care. You mess with me and my head, I will kill you.

Thursday Blues

It is cliche to say Monday Blues. This time Thursday is unexpectedly a bad day. Scary enough, it is so close to the weekend I wonder if the unhappiness will rub onto it.  So I was trying to be helpful yet not practical. So I felt so bad I just had to do something about it. So I was being chided for wasting money despite good intentions. Whatever. It is wasting my god-damn time trying so hard, ending up making BIG mistakes and getting unappreciated.

To hell with it. And you.

Great Expectations

I sometimes wish I wasn't born. I do not wish to go through certain things in life or feel a certain way. I never thought my life would turn out this way. At 30 and still not achieving much. There isn't even a sense of achievement. No satisfaction when it comes to career. I am tired. Tired of living.

The Way You Make Me Feel

You make me feel special,
You make me feel new,
You make me feel loved,
With everything you do.
You hold me close when I am sad.
You wipe the tears from my face.
Every time we are together,
It seems like the perfect place.
My eyes light up when you enter a room.
I smile when we are together.
No matter how bad things are,
You always make them better.
I love the way you kiss me,
The way you hold me tight.
I love the way you touch me,
I could be with you all night.
I love the way you can make me laugh
For absolutely no reason at all.
I love how no matter what I do,
You will be there to catch me when I fall.
I just want you to know,
That even though we always fight,
I will always love you!
No matter what, day or night.

By Amanda Standridge

Mirror Mirror

Always in your shadows.

Always second place.

Meeting another dead end

I am not satisfied, not to say the least, contented.

It is once again another time in my life where I ask myself which road to take and what should I do next?

Is it because I am not satisfied with whatever I do? Or is it I simply get bored easily? Or perhaps I need a job that keeps me on my toes every day?

Wrong turns. Dead ends.

Dance With Me Tonight

Upbeat tempo to sing along to! I had to post something on a date that happens once every 4 years!