Alone

I always look forward to weekends. However, weekends have, time and time again, been seeing bouts of unhappiness. Although today's hasn't been the worse compared to others, it has shown me the meaning of being alone.

Sometimes I think I am going crazy with "voices" going on in my head. In recent years, I have discovered I am unable to explain my thoughts coherently and I am also unable to remember my sequence of events precisely. In fact, many a times, my brains decide to form a story of their own based on old events and maybe subconscious imaginations triggering unwarranted emotions as a result. I am uncertain if this has been accumulated from events of the past or perhaps even childhood memories.

Could all these be the reasons why my other relationships fail? But I have never been told these before till now.

I digress.

An outburst like today's is caused by none other than my inability to answer questions asked directly and coherently. I tend to give a vague answer or keep quiet or even think I have given an answer but actually it was just something that doesn't make sense because maybe I didn't want it to make sense -  my own brain defence mechanism that prefers to lie - and hope the lie can give me a solution to just escape from the problem and that everything will be ok.

Fat Hope. Things are never going to be ok.

Another reason why arguments arise is because I am stubborn in nature. It just seems to be a trait I own. My ability to learn suffers as a result. I hear what he says but I don't listen. Instead, the devil within decides to play with my emotions and hopes that whatever I think is true becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy where in actual fact, I was only imagining things. That wasn't how he thinks. He was only clarifying so that he could plan. He wasn't angry either. He only became angry when I didn't listen to his decision and continued with what I originally thought was right. Likewise the same thing happened during lunch. All was good but I decided to continue doing what I wanted despite him already telling me what I should do.

Day in day out. It is the same old thing. I am sure he is feeling suffocated. I had to have the last say in that final argument before he stormed off. I am sure whatever I said, he felt accused because he didn't do what I insisted he did.

I am ridiculous.

Oddly at 32, I start to realise how queer I am. Unlike others, I have no beauty, no brains, no smarts either. Work has not been kind. I feel so inadequate compared to my peers. I cannot write well and still continue to step on toes. Nothing seems to be working out. I am falling into another black hole.

Maybe I should be alone. Alone forever.