KPE Swing 5km Fun Walk & Run 14 Sep 08

'Rise and Shine!!!' Beeped my handphone at 6am in the morning on a Sunday morning 14 Sep 08. Yes I know I said to myself..Aren't I already awake at 5.30am????!!!! Arrgghh..Dragging myself outta bed on Sunday morning!!!! You might think I am kidding but neh..it's for the KPE SWING!! My first 5km walk and run event with Ryan, Roger, David & Family, Catherine & Brandon and Ann! BOY!! Was I excited!! I went to the kitchen and grabbed myself 2 pieces of mooncake with egg yolk and mulberry milk, downed the breakfast though there wasn't much saliva production because I seldom got up so early on Sundays. Even Charcoal had to turn his head twice to confirm it was me who opened the front door. Heh heh heh. Ok..with such keen sense of smell, he can sniff me out miles away..who am I kidding hor? HAHAHAHAA Seeing the black one look so cute wagging his tail and poking his nose at me, I played with him and ruffled his ears and smelled his cheeks and patted his 'small' black head. hee hee hee. And then it was time to walk to the train station and meet Roger and Ryan at Kovan station. Don't ask me why I didn't take the shuttle from Tampines. I was just all too willing to get up that early because the engine just needs time to warm up.

Honestly, when the walk started, my brains were just getting up. And the wait..oh man..the wait before the start of the walk was tiring. There were hordes of people and we didn't want to go too much to the front because it was jam pack with people and more people and the pushing and shoving...not a good idea. After all, Catherine, Brandon, David and family and Ann and colleagues were still not here yet. They slowly loomed into sight after Ryan, Roger and I took pictures with the cheap red electronic lanterns and made as many monkey faces as we could to past the time. My red lantern 'ball' rolled off before the walk started!! HAHA It was a guiness record Singapore wanted to have so I guess 15,000 people holding on to lanterns could easily have overtaken the Germans' current record. FREE red lanterns. whether or not it works, whether the 'ball' falls off, doesn't make much of a difference. The sound of the horn and the first wave goes off! The 10km run for Men/Women/Veteran Open went off first. Soon after, our 5km Fun walk and run was flagged off!!! YIPPIE YAY!! There was music and drums playing as we walked into the tunnel. I agree with Ryan. He said it was like Lord of the Rings where the Orks were heading for war, slowly trudging forward towards enemy territory, preparing for battle.

500m into the tunnel, we reached a stretch of darkness where the red lights shone dimly as we moved along, not brightening our paths and soon an accident happened. A female runner supposedly for the 10km run knocked into an elderly lady who was in the free black KPE swing top.

Oh..I forgot to mention earlier that the free Tees came with the race pack that Roger and I collected on 6 Sep. They came in different colours - BLACK (which was pretty dumb because a black top in a dark surrounding?? Bad Combination), luminous ORANGE, GREEN and YELLOW! As for sizes, females were standard M and males XL. For some it seemed to fit ok, for others it was like drooping! Oh well..many wore their own tops, nevertheless.

As I was saying, the elderly lady got knocked down and though not entirely serious, there will surely be some superficial wounds bearing in mind of the surface we all were walking on! The lightings got quite boring after awhile because they were the same over and over and some people started leaving through the exits of the expressway. I wonder how they tracked the timing because there was no if not little demarcations for the 5km Walk & 10km Run.

Towards the last 2.5km, Ryan and I left Roger behind and ran towards the finish line (Eh..Roger said he was tired and told us to run along and that he will meet us later). We ran pretty fast I must say and the lane for the 10km runners were all pretty clear already so when we finished....we collected the goodie bag meant for the 10km runners! HAHAHAHA....I compared with Roger's and there was really no difference anyway...DUH!

Ryan was supposed to be doing the 10km run but because it was my first walk/run event, he companied me..SWEEEEEET! And Roger! You did well too! Waking up early for some exercise!! Don't forget our Tue/Wed run..HAHAHA..

So yah..there you have it...that pretty much summed up the morning for you...thereafter we headed back to Kovan for Macdonalds Big Breakfast!!! SLURP SLURP!! Aiyah..don't say all that exercise is for nothing leh....very hungry lah!!

Half Dead

Today is Friday. Aren't Fridays supposed to be happy and relaxing? I guess it's been a long week and sleep wasn't enough to bring me to life on Friday!!!!!!!! It is a slow moving day with a trip down to the Basement at work to review some archive matters. At least there was some elvator travelling other than sitting at the workstation all day. My buddy Roger is also half as dead, his face looking worse than ever and scratching his eyes so much they seem to want to pop!!! And his tummy...GOSH!! hahahahaa...mine is not doing any better. It's growing too.......FAT!!!! HAHAHAHAH

Today is also assignment due day for one of the modules. As it is only a simple electronic submission, it ain't that bad. Saturday will be stay home day to continue with the next assignment that will be due soon in order not to let things become a rush job like how it always does. There's class tonight. I really want to go home and not attend class so I can catch up on my rest but it's one of my favourite modules I must say and the most difficult because of the calculations within - ACCOUNTS!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHiHH!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot stand accounts. I only secured a PASS which was really good already because I never had background knowledge during my education years. Perhaps it is just called self consolation.

Today is gym day with dear before class. I officially end work at 5.30pm but I was late for work today - 8.55am. Oh HACK! I will still leave at 5.30pm so that I can reach the gym at 6 and workout till 7pm and head to class after a quick shower. I am feeling so lazy and tired that I wonder if anything can be done at gym today. I brought the gear and shoes and yes a pretty heavy bag indeed but let's not waste it hur? Gym is a must considering that I've been stocking up on my mooncake calories for the past week; at least one whole mooncake per day with additionals from colleagues and vendors.

So ya...that sums up the first half of the day. The second half will be a fire fighting process with some IT department. Users and technical specs...NEH! Doesn't complement very well. Time to solve miscommunications and misunderstandings if any. I am gonna grab ma lunch now. Hunger pangs are coming in waves. I will try to control the diet though it won't help especially when my stomach calls for food.

Looking forward to Sunday! KPE Run...but dredding the waking up in the morning at 6am!! DARN!

Your Fault? My Fault?

My topic for blogging today is about pointing fingers, not that any has happened to me recently but really, I know this happens all the time and I will say that most of the time it is because of some communication break down. It applies to friendship, relationships and marriages. I remember reading off somewhere about a marriage breaking down. Apparently, it is already in the process because the couple cannot keep their hands off other people! Affairs! They really break down relationships. Why do it you might ask? The thrill? Exciting isn't it? Yeah, for a start they are. And when thrills become involvement and cannot do without, this is when things can turn ugly especially for married couples. I won't dare to say it is less for dating couples but married couples made a vow..till death do us part...what happened to that? Maybe we should change this so-called vow to till affairs do us part. Oh! Wouldn't that sound so much better? Or even couples who want to continue playing after getting married can choose the vows to suit the status of the relationship? How about it? What happened to the days when marriages and relationships were taken seriously? WHAT HAPPENED???? I know I shouldn't sound noble and all because we all have a past. We let it go and move on and learn from the experience. We shouldn't repeat the same mistakes. But why keep harping on things when one has already taken that step to separation and divorce? It is odd that only when things happen and break down will people start taking things seriously and hope to patch the pieces back. Sure you can, but the scarring remains. It is a fact. It is reality. It is just no turning back. Then when one cannot find the answers, the blame game begins! The war of the fingers until one backs down and then the other starts calling names. How convenient!!

Now Now..don't worrie...nothing's happened to my relationship..I just read off somewhere about this point-finger issue and feel so irked I cannot help it!!! I just gotta pen it here!! AHHHHHHHHHHH....

Seriously man...the gal has issues!! The guy as well and he doesn't talk much..and just lets her guess..he gives ambiguous answers and she keeps assuming!! Bad combination don't you agree? Nothing comes out of it. If the decision has already been made, the affairs all breaking lose and coming out from under the carpet, then let it all out and move on...you cannot unchange things isn't it? Start afresh...how fresh can you get? The scars will always be there..one time...two times..how many times can you cheat and never get found out? One must be that STUPID to think that. And after cheating and getting found out, you want forgiveness? Woooo....I'd say it's best to just back down, shut up and run away..if your affair wants you...perhaps it's better that way...

I wonder what controversial comments I will get from this entry....so people...fire away!!

Mid-Autumn Celebration at East Coast Park

Mid-Autumn Celebration at East Coast Park - 6 September 2008

A simple say-it-all title which doesn't require much elaboration except that it poured cats and dogs till about 3 in the morning! Fortunately, all the raw food had been cooked at the quickest speed ever for BBQ!!! The wind was gusty and the fire burnt strongly. We do not need to fan the fire using paper plates like in other BBQ occasions. Or so we thought that the rain will not come because the wind seemed to be blowing the clouds in the opposite direction. The sky was blazing red and isn't it supposed to be red sky = no rain????!!! Or was it the other way around because it soon started storming while we ran from shelter to tent. It was very comical because we did shift everything to a nearby shelter thinking it would rain. And after 30min when it didn't, we shifted everything back to the pit....only to suddenly have rain drops falling on our heads getting harder and angrier each time...and we realised we ought to take cover at a huge tent set up slightly further away. Well, the food did get 'wet', together with all of us, sceaming and yelling as we all ran for the tent. I brought the camping light with 4 new batteries and sad to say, it died on me, probably short circuit when it got wet. It was so dark and we'd to make do with whatever we have. A moon-gazing affair with lanterns became candle-in-the-wind. HAHAHAHA.There were chairs and tables there and we placed all the food there and sat around the table drinking late into the night. Lo and behold...we've two new 'Merlion' winners!!! They are non other than David and YangShun!! WOOOOOOO!!! The two that crowned Joyce as the 2007 Merlion now became one themselves!! HAHAHHA....M sure Joyce was smirked the whole time but who wouldn't be after getting laughed at time and time again? I wonder how things will be in class tonight..will there be any embarrassment? HAIYAH..I am sure the two will be too thick-skinned to feel a thing!! HAHAHAHA....

Whatever it was, it was a great night with lots of laughter and screams and shrills!! Sorry to all who'd to put up with the 3 bitches - me, Joyce and Su!!! I know we were super high and talking so loudly and laughing like a hyena but we were just enjoying ourselves too much and over-crapping. And yes, we were quite rude in shooing some of you away because we really couldn't fill you in on some dirty little secrets of ours that dated way back....If you do read ma blog, please accept my apologies...don't hate me k?

Brandon, nice of you to send David and gang back. Yeah, luckily we didn't allow David to drive after all that booze. Hope everyone had fun and it was a 'whirlwind' affair that night cum wee morning! Perhaps if it didn't rain it could've been more fun, but m glad it was an organised, amazingly enjoyable and 'high' event and most importantly, a showcase of outstanding class spirits and cooperation!

And not forgetting, the many photos of our gatherings to live by!!!

Sleepy Friday

Good Morning to me!

Wake up already! Boarded the train for work with my huge 'ninja turtle' bag that always gets in the way of commuters. A packed train with little space to move around not because it was superly packed but rather people not knowing who to make more space for other people. The newer trains have the bars (in between cabin connectors) removed; I believe for a simple reason to allow commuters to stand further in from the doors 'for the convenience of all passengers'. And no, people don't really think that way and have an imaginary bar in front of them or something so they refuse to move in, or budge when I try to go through. Perhaps they don't understand my body language when I peered inwards to find space and feel that I should just stand where I am and not move so much. I was nice because I was sleepy and the mind just didn't wanna argue so I asked this lady with a face of blank beside me: "Can I go through?" She did make way for me reluctantly after giving me dagger stares. I bet she must be feeling sleepy too because the weather is simply too good for slumberland and not the push and shove train ride on a Friday morning!!!! URRRGHH!! I share the same sentiments, lady!

I was glad that the lady standing next to her was more considerate and shifted towards the 'cabin connector' (ok, I really don't have the technical name for it yah???) . SWEET. And yes, I did wish I didn't have my 'ninja turtle' because it's superly space consuming...yet as luck would have it....station by station the train went...people got off!!!!! HAHAHA..more space for me, myself and the 'ninja turtle' and my umbrella (with the weather so unpredictable these days, one shouldn't take the chance without an umbrella eh?). Ok, I just want to read my book..I am so hooked onto Eclipse - the 'adult' vampire stories by Stephanie Meyer (her first book - Twilight - will be out on the big screens soon! 21 NOVEMBER 08!!).

Forgive the thoughts as they can be quite incoherent and disjoint. Paragraphs of this blog might not connect all that properly but who cares hur? haha

I reached my train destination and bringing the umbrella was indeed a smarty thing...because it was raining and people were stranded at the station. It is odd but every time this happens and I've an umbrella, I start to wonder if I were the one stranded, will people be nice enough to shelter me? Whatever it was and as nice as I am(..HAHAHAHA...)I offered my shelter to a lady..of course I chose the prettier one (ok..it sounds perverse but I am just being honest!!)...sweet looking and petite..who was friendly and we striked a short but pleasant conversation when we crossed the road junctions to our offices. She thanked me and I wished her a happy friday and I must say...a pretty good start to our day!

You might think I am crazy but as much as I hate my work..I love it...for my colleagues and friends. It will be a slow day but I am waiting for the end of it..not because it is the end of a work day but rather, time to meet Dearie Pants for gym and dinner!

Awaiting impatiently for tonight and the BBQ tomorrow! CHEERS!

It's Raining Friends

It's been raining non-stop this evening but bringing away the heat is one thing and raining at odd hours and wierd intervals....seriously can make people sick!! Yet, my goodie frens and I never fail to have a good time taking photos..yes cam whores I am...and with my new blog skin and happier entries...I just need to store them in here and write about them in case this new found blogging interest wears off and it hits a lull. Suddenly I feel I cannot seem to put the thoughts into words when it comes to happy entries. I wonder why. Could it be that I have been penning awful feelings into words? Whatever it is..time for a change hur? After years of tears, heartbreak and near depression, life is short and what more to live it to the fullest and be happy with each moment in time? HA! My philosophy of a contented person.

Anyways..here're the photos I intend to show u....Roger and Rachel and me! YIPPIE!

Cute and huggable friends to help me get through the toughest days at work. Appreciate your love, care, patience and fantastic sense of humor!

Name 'Bloggering'

From today onwards, this blog will contain many things other than emotions. For one, I have a colleague right now who is bugging me on a blog name for his blog. YES HIS BLOG!!! And I have to wrack the brains to come up with names for this choosey one. It is tough to come up with a name because most of it are already chosen and unavailable. My colleague is still trying to come up with a suitable name...I bet he is gonna sit here till the end of the day and still fail to find a name for his blog!!!! Goodness Gracious! Is it really so difficult? Let me give you some of the names he came up with:

Contributing Prohibiting Fun
Blogspot
H20
Morethanwords
Text
Roje
RonaldoChristiano

And well, the rest are pretty rude and vulgar I must say. Oh oh...and...after finding those that are available, he will make comments that they are stupid and then the cycle repeats itself...try punching in a few names, check availability, find them silly and redo it over and over again.

Finally!!! He has settled on a name!!! Now another vicious cycle starts - the title of the blog!!!
He is telling me he has yet to decide on the blog address and the title of the blog. One tough nut to crack...well, almost literally..haha

It is indeed a 'name bloggering' affair!!

K...time to go..help the damsel in distress...

----To me, a very bimbotic & brainless entry for ma blog---

Something Different

Ok...I must say this but the skin looks terrific! Thanks dearie pants for uploading it! You are indeed smartie!! Sucha cute doggie sitting up there with the tongue sticking out..hahahaha...

And yes, a different blog from all my past entries....definitely a happy happy one!

WAGGIE TAIL!!!

WOOF

The Psychology of the Mind

Horror flicks.

What makes a good horror movie? Is it subjective? Is it considered good when each and every image is imprinted in your subconsicous? Tough to understand and difficult to erase once planted in the mind. For me at least.

The love for gore intrigues me. Never understanding why but watching them in the late of the night builds the excitement. It was to the extent that I got bored because of the dozens and tons of uncensored grotesque films I have seen over the years. It stopped after some time. Now, asking me to watch any again can just bring me goosebumps and wild imagination, causing terrible unrest and sleepless nights. Why is this? Why now? Why me?

Insomnia - 'prolonged and usually abnormal inability to obtain adequate sleep' (from http://www.m-w.com/) Could it be because of the recent horror show I watched? Or it was originally stress and the movie just made things worse? I do not know. I want to find out. Sleepless nights have been stressful enough. Closing my eyes see nothing else but the scenes from the movie coming to live; in front of my eyes and disappearing to the back of my head and then repeating over and over again. Is the mind too weak to control the thoughts now? Was it even strong to begin with? Then why the ability to conquer in the past and not now? Could that be the reason why I have not been watching such shows anymore? Why did I even succumb to the peer pressure to go ahead with the show? Too many whys, again.

I prefer light now. I hate the darkness. Staring into the ceiling in the dark of the night drives my mind wild and crazy.

Think happy thoughts now, I tell myself. Think about the funny movies I have watched before, I tell myself. Chant. Look forward. No..stop, don't look back. Stop those freaking ugly faces from the show...get them out get them out!!! Turning the lights on. Suddenly, the area is brighter, less frightening, less imposing. What is coming after me? It's all in the head. It is a psychological battle against me, myself and I. It is as if I have gone back to my childhood days where thrillers, action movies, horror, gore, easily imprint themselves and give me the worst nightmares. I don't want to dream. I want to stop all these. Fear. Acknowledge it, the psychiatrist said. Don't turn them away. The more you run, the harder to escape.

Perhaps I should stop thinking altogether. Make myself busy. Tire the brains out. Relax. Listen to soothing music. Medidate. Do whatever it takes. Calm the mind. Ease the tension. Stop the pain.

All the thoughts rushing back again....

Go away..please...go away...

Tearing through my heart

I feel so sad I don't know why. I feel so lost I don't know why. Perhaps I can feel your confusion and your pain. Perhaps I am thinking what will become of us. I feel hot streams rolling uncontrollably down my cheeks. What am I going to do when you choice isn't what I expect? Is it your choice anyway? Could there be no other alternative? Now that I am also involved in that decision you soon will make, will it make it harder? Does it make you feel any better that I will support you in anyway? I know how hard it is with obligations. Yet you are not able to do anything about it because money is the issue? Without money, there can be no more studying; you might just need to resort to taking up the work or bum around at home. Perhaps you are now in the dark and cannot find a light to it. I don't know why you kept telling me to talk to you and that we can share about anything. Yet it doesn't seem that way for you. I just want to close all my doors again. I don't know what to do. Where is my support when I keep giving mine? WHERE? WHERE ARE YOU? Can't you see that while you are suffering inside, I am too? Could my parents be right? Relationship can wait. Why should I be serious with you now? Wouldn't it be affecting me? I feel that I am the one that make all your decisions so difficult because whenever you want to do something, I am there to stop you in your tracks and ask what if...
I feel so sad I don't know why.I feel so lost I don't know why..can you be there for me now? Please?

Is it so difficult to understand how tough it is juggling work and study? Or do I always portray the look of ease, carefree & no worries or stress? I don't understand why I have to be disciplined. Can't they not see it's called choice? I will accept whatever responsibility even if I took the wrong route and I made mistakes. Why can't I fall? Haven't I fallen so many times before? What's the difference now? Why tell me about rules and regulations if the actual reason is all so clear that I just need to stay home more often? Is it so difficult to just let go? Why say that if I were to stay in this house, I need to abide by houserules? Why now? Why compare me with people that are bums? I need space..I need my own air to breathe..I need a holiday. Why use my long deserved holiday against me? Why ask reasons for its length? Why say things like you did? It is tiring enough..work and all..why added pressure? Can't you see I have had enough? Could getting a dog be the wrong decision ever? It was choosing between dog and family...I chose family..and therefore the dog...is it so difficult to see? Why? Why all these? Havent I suffered enough of brainwash? Can't i just lead the life I wanted to? Why be afraid to let me fall yet at the same time saying if I don't fall now I don't learn...let me suffer...let me cry...let me go...I cannot understand anything...I have so many things right now and I don't want it affecting my only focus - my new degree; the one degree I can call my own, my achievement. It is tough making ends meet. No more depression, please...how much of anxiety and saddness can I go through again? Once, twice...enough!!! No more.....please...all these...just go away...take the pain away...the sorrow..the fear..the anguish..the hurt..And suddenly nobody is there..nobody understands..yet then again perhaps I just didn't let anyone understand..I kept everything to myself..what's new anyway? it's just me. I know myself.
..........................................................................................................................................................................
Tears coming in spurts; slowly..i feel ok...I don't feel ok...it all happens immediately and too fast...and too soon. Probably people are around so everything don't come out all at one shot. All I need now is a shoulder to cry on. Perhaps I need to see a shrink again. I don't know what to do. I hate it when I cry suddenly..and then I feel ok then I cry again and tear...i just wanna cry it all out...I don't feel hurt..i feel numbness. I feel indifferent. It is wierd. I need you here..yet I don't. I want to see you. I just want to run away; far away as possible. I don't want you to see me this way. I hate myself. I hate it when it happens. I hate feeling this way. I feel so suffocated. Anxiety pangs..tears of I don't know what...keep rolling down my cheeks. Anger, perhaps. Confusion, perhaps. Lethargy, perhaps. What? Why? Should i control? Stop it I say...stop all these silly thoughts going through your mind.
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The Big L.

Love Changes Everything

It's been so many months since I last blogged. Not many people view this space anyway. Hahaha..there's been changes..so many to be exact. Sadness all gone by. Love rolled in once more. How sweet it is to have someone like you yet the past lingers on. Memories are all it takes to get by. Remembering them is how we let them go. Simple? Of course not for those who're emotionally driven right now. Relationships fall through so easily just like how they start. Why? we may ask ourselves. When we're in love, we are so happy. The feeling is unfathomable. When we fall out of it, especially after years or sometimes even months, the anguish, the pain and then the misery bring daily darkness. We keep reliving the best times and the worst never fail to keep us occupied. Tears will flow and we don't know what we're crying for. Denial? Suffering? Undying love? Wait? When one party changes, the other seems victimised. But we grow in time. Waiting is always the hardest yet we still wait for that miserably 1% of hope though all odds are against us. Is this how it is in love? We envy those in love. We pity those who fall out of love. Love, hard to understand because it comes with pain and happiness at the same time. Then it might not be love but the perspective of an individual on it. How we see it changes love, how we act upon it changes love, how we experience it changes love. Nothing is perfect. It is how we compliment the little imperfections that makes us whole.

We think, we wonder, we ask, we question and we wait.

Happiness Is...

i don't wanna lose you,I don't wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And i don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But i don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool i keep losing my place
And i keep seeing you walk through that door
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Now i could never change youI don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes i may have hurt you
But i did not desert you
Maybe i just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where i used to lay
And there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know its your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Set Me Free

If I'm not in love with you
What is this I am going through, Tonight
And if my heart is lying then
What should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Every time I think about you, baby
Why else do I want you like I do
If I am not in love with you

And if I don't need your touch
Why do I miss you so much, Tonight
If it's just infatuation then
Why is my heart aching
To hold you forever
Give a part of me I thought I'd never
Give again to someone I could lose
If I am not in love with you

Why in every fantasy
Do I feel your arms embracing me
Lovers lost in sweet desire
Why in dreams do I surrender
Lying with you baby
Someone help explain this feeling
Someone tell me

If I am not in love with you
What is this I am going through, Tonight
And if my heart is lying then what should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Every time I think about you baby
Why else do I want like I do

If I am not in love with you


Am I true to you, the way I really feel. Have I told you all the regrets that hurt, the mistakes I've made, the wrongs I want to make right. I want to rid how crazy I've become, to have a fresh start, to hold a different perspective, to know how you feel, to create a better world for you and me. Why did it all turn out this way? The mess I've made. Forgive myself for the torture, pain and guilt. The deceit, the lies. I cannot understand the way I feel, the wild imaginations I have, the paranoia all these makes. You've done so much so far. I drove you away. How sad that is for you and me. But things happen for a reason don't they? You needed me. I ran away. I lived in self denial. You ran too! For awhile. To lead a more carefree life. To pull away from the strings of love & hysteria. You understood how much you loved me then. I kept on trying again and trying. I calmed down. You came back. I moved on, though. Was it too late I ask myself now; if only I could've waited a little longer. But like it always is, we live for today. Today affects tomorrow. Tomorrow the day after and then the future. But tomorrow we can never see, let alone the future. So why not be happy for now, the present, the moment? Reliving the past; it keeps catching up with me. Haunting me, hunting me down. I am weak. Seems weaker than before. Where was the strength I'd? I cannot say no. I have no mind of my own or perhaps I simply don't use it. I never dared to make decisions out of the ordinary. I never wanted to try hard enough. Pushing myself too much, expectations drive me crazy. I fear to fail and so I stop in the middle of my tracks and head backwards, back into the comfort areana I have already travelled and know the route, the familiar one that will never go wrong, for now. Never accepting change. Scared to see what happens after that. Anticipation. Expectations. Expecting how I should feel is a terrible thing. When the expected feeling doesn't go as "planned", I feel upset, sickened, not understanding why it should be so since it seemed to me, at first, that I "SHOULD BE" feeling that way, anyway. How did it ever lead to this?

I wonder if you'll run away again. I seem to be tightening everything around you once more. I know that to love someone is to set them free. If they come back to you, it's meant to be. If they don't then perhaps not now, not this life. We are all scared to let go. We get too attached to things. When an attachment is lost, we are lost. We cannot find the direction we could see so clearly when we were free. All, right now, is about me, my stupid selfish me, myself and my sorrowful love, my frustrations and my hurt. I am forgetting that no man is an island and all that comes with it. I imagine living in my own misery, my own regrets, my own guilts, indulging in my own self-pity. Be strong I keep telling myself. There'll always be someone there to help me when I fall, not you, not me, not them but someone. When all hope is bleak, all strength is weak, all light is dim, all road is winding, the earth never stops rotating, the world keeps moving, the light keeps flikering, the wind keeps blowing, dreams keep living, moods keep swinging. Nothing stops to wait for me. Only I choose to let everything else stop because I myself stopped with whatever is holding me back. I choose the path of death. Or I can choose the path of life. The path of light and hope and love.
Set me free................

The Love

The Courtship - The Get together - The Blossom - The Game - The Neglect - The Hysteria - The Shrink - The Painic Attacks - The Time off - The Begs - The Tears - The Confession - The Issue - The Chance - The Won't Regret - The Change & more - The Revisit - The Hidden Secrets - The Movie - The Ring - The Pouches - The Engravements - The Hurt - The Pain - The Tears - The Explanation - The Thoughts - The Decision - The Meet - The Further Explanation - The Confusion - The Nostalgia - The Past - The Dreams - The Future - The Final Decision

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I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have so much more
I can feel your heart and I sympathize
And I'll never criticize all you've ever meant to my life

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way than to say good-bye

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
I don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but good-bye
You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure I'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me

My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way than to say good-bye

It's all Coming Back

There were many life turning events during those 3 years. No more were the lessons interesting. No more were the days exciting. They were all filled with lies and more lies. They were so full of deceit and uninviting thoughts. Why must it be so I often asked myself? How come my world seemed so bleak and depressing? Each day did not see light. Every step met darkness and more darkness. I reached out and hoped to hold something familiar. Everything was like a dream and waking up did not do any good either. Staring into space didn't make it any better. Wierd thoughts just kept coming. Imaginative and unrealistic ones too! Was I thinking too much? Was I expecting too much? What did I really want? So many questions and too little answers. Or maybe I had the answers but never got about putting them into action. Was it a love hate relationship with myself, my parents and my love life? Could anybody see the pain I was going through? 3 years saw me looking for answers to my wildest thoughts and 3 years later saw me giving up on them. There were too many whys and how come? I cannot explain and never can. Nobody could really understand as well. My parents were expecting too much from me though they never really said it directly. I over analysed the situations. Or was I simply too sensitive? Tears were my faithful companions. Anger was a part of me. I did not see my focus in life. I was lost. I just listened and did what people told me to because I felt they were always right. I made myself be used and regretted it. I also used myself thinking it was for the benefit of both and I regretted it. Death became that part of me that I can never let go. Only did I realise that it never really went away. I just found someone and there, let it go again. I stepped into another relationship without understanding or letting myself get over the previous ones. Again and again I let myself into more entangling masses and got out of it by going into another again. Finally it seemed that I got myself free from it all. And then it all came back to me.

The Issue

The cause of all the heartaches. The cause of all the heartbreaks. The cause of all the affairs. The cause of pain. The cause of them all. It all seems illusioned; like a distant memory that happened once; it's there, it had been there, it happened, it nearly ended, it happened again and then it finally ended. Is ignorance bliss? Not knowing what the reasons are will be equal to not telling the actual line of events? Or maybe if I hadn't done what I've done, yours wouldn't have seemed so much more trivial. Or maybe if yours was more serious, mine wouldn't have seemed so over the hedge. Isn't it always the case? You can do it but I cannot; I can do it but you cannot. To think that it's over but I guess not. I guess I don't believe it was a simple as it is & to settle the issue just like that doesn't even require time. In fact, if nothing really happened, it doesn't even require settling. You even blamed me for causing the issue. If you had known what I've done would it be so forgivable then? Perhaps you are right, it won't last long even though I've chosen to be with you. Guilt and trust will get the better of me & then I will make that choice you were most worried about. I will never tell you about it. It will be too much to lose. Then again, isn't it already considered an eye for an eye? Why can't I just let it go? Why can't you just let it go? Probably it isn't the end of the story. You might have more than that issue to settle & therefore had to ask for about a year's time; hopefully the "thing" will fade on its own. Can it really go back to normal now that everything is supposedly over? You can possibly be right in saying that it wouldn't last. Again I know it isn't that simple. It cannot be that simple. If nothing was going on & it was just "talking" what's there to settle? Sorry seems to be the hardest word right now. Even saying sorry for me is tough. Sorry for what I've done is easier. Now that you're not around, it would be good to evaluate ourselves. It is no longer a test. We've past that stage. And you, another you, why didn't it last? Why must it be this way? Why must we meet? Why must I go hysterical? Why must you do this to me? Why be nice & cold at the same time? Why say sorry? Why keep on saying sorry when it's sucha useless word? It doesn't mean anything at all. You never showed your true feelings. You'd rather keep everything coz you too believe that it's not going to go anywhere so no point hurting. It already did so what is the big deal? I thought it was easy to get over. I thought I got over. I never realised it is worse than before now that you've told me your side of the story and I didn't exactly tell you mine. But I don't believe you. Maybe I am paranoid because I've done worse. And you, you used me & made me believe that it might happen, that hope, that passion, that fire and then the burnt & the scar. It will never go away. How many times must I do this before I learn and admit it's a mistake and never let it happen again? Will I change? Will it never happen? Will it happen? Too many hidden secrets still. Too many left unspoken. Dreams becoming reality and reality - a distant dream. I should be happy. Why indulge once again in these unnecessary stuff? Why look back at the past, moan, groan & be glum about it. You should move on too! Doubt you are anyway. Let your feelings flow; go with the flow. Be true to yourself. Be true to her. Be true to him. Random array of thoughts; silly to brood about; frivolous enough to kill; manipulate the siuation you say. Aren't you just gaining sympathy votes? Stop it, please. You drive me crazy. All of you...So wierd the way things are right now. Like it's not right when all seems to be what, on the surface, the best thing that will ever be. Take a look at me now; it's just a chance I've gotta take. So what is the issue now?

The Fight

The fight to survive

The fight to stay awake

The fight to erase the guilt

The fight to change mindsets

The fight to enjoy

The fight for a lifetime of enjoyment

The fight for love

The fight to care

The fight to understand why

The fight to dream

The fight to die

The fight to decide

The fight to escape

The fight to socialize

The fight to be yourself

The fight to grow up

The fight to rest

The fight to be happy

The fight to be sad

The fight to feel

The fight to desire

The fight to stay alive

The fight to be sure

The fight to be certain

The fight to abstain

The fight to be beautiful

The fight to live life to its fullest

The fight to make it meaningful

The fight to be good

The fight to be bad

The fight to break free

The fight to hurt

The fight to anger

The fight to calm

The fight to worry

The fight to play

The fight for pleasure

The fight for eternal lust

The fight for fame

The fight for you

The fight for me

The fight for them

The fight for ever

The fight to keep on fighting

The fight for strength

The fight for change

The fight to believe

The fight to trust

The fight to lie

The fight to kill

The fight to murder

The fight for freedom

Why are we always fighting to keep alive? Are we really fighting for ourselves or simply how society wants us to be? Do we keep on repeating the same mistakes over and over again and never learning but just improvising on each and every one? Are we really smiling? Are we really happy? The truth is there's nothing more important and no better time to be happy than right now. Challenges in life - better to admit as much and decide to be happy in spite of it all. We must use the mind to get what we want rather than letting the mind use us to get what it wants. We have to assert self control, we have to love ourselves. How many times do we reiterate the latter phrase and then indulge in that moment of "folly"? How many times do we need to fall, pick ourselves up again before standing without crumbling into the thorns of temptations and lust? Is one never enough? Are we never satisfied? We (women) never fail to ask the classic question "Where is it going from here" when bound by the chains of emotions and love. Should we go with the flow or follow our heart?

"Oh my love, my darling, I've hungered for your touch, a long, lonely time. And time goes by, so slowly and time, can do so much, are you still mine? I need your love, Oh I need your love, God speed your love to me. Lonely rivers flow to the sea, to the sea, to the open arms of the sea, Lonely rivers sigh, wait for me, wait for me, I'll be coming home wait for me."

"Promise me you'll wait for me, coz' I'll be saving all my love for you...I need to know you feel the same way too.." Promise me pls...pls promise me...wait for me...pls wait for me......I did so much wrong...take me back pls...let me repent my sins I hurt myself with again and again..The moment of folly..the moment of lust...the moment of fun and a lifetime of pain..

The fight for me, myself and I.

Freedom

Is it true that once there's too much freedom we take advantage of it and want more? Or do we get bored of the freedom we get and want somthing more from life? And we keep on wanting the new things. And we keep on yearning and succumbing to temptations one after another. Is life all about having something new? Or is it enhancing the old and making it more exciting? Or is it just us? Us wanting nothing old but new and improved gadgets, people, lovers, marriages, homes and even parents? Are we afraid of falling behind and losing out? In this competitive environment, nothing can be certain. One minute we take the lead, the next minute we lag. We are all the makings of our own destinies. We set out to become more independent, more exposed to different cultures, different political mindesets, changes in environment, changes in lifestyle. Do we change ourselves because we want to? Or do we get shaped by the changes? When we make mistakes and change, are we really changing for the better or simply trying our very best not to make the same mistakes again? Will we be ready to take on new challenges and lead a happier life instead of chasing after materialism? Expectations. Are we all full of them? Are we lead by expectations? Or do we form them so that we can work towards our goals in life? Do we have too many expectations? And since they're only expectations, why do we get so frustrated and upset when they are not met? Why cry? Why the tears? Why carry on expecting when sometimes we know that things are not going to happen. Why hold on to the edge when we can continue finding alternatives and perhaps more solutions? Why sit and watch the world go by when we can live it? We just don't want strings attached, I guess. When we live it, we have to live with the consequences with the decisions we make. We run away in self denial. We think that no strings attached means a happier life because we get to do what we want without living with the consequences. Who said there are none? Why worry? Why indulge in the negative, self cherishing thoughts? It's always about I and I and I and I. We must learn to think for others more than ourselves. Then again we've to know ourselves first and learn to love our own shortcomings. It's like going around in circles. Tell me the answer, show me the way, take the lead, please, someone. Confusion. Confusion Confusion. All over again. Should I try harder? Should I just sit and wait? Should I continue being nice? Should I find out the reason why things are so cold? Things change. People change. Seasons change. All in the name of love and old flames. Have I fallen once again before standing up? Is love such a bad name? What happened to me being strong? Where is the adamant I wanna break free nature? Where are you? Why must you do this to me? I should be dettaching from you all!! I hate you..you should probably be equally confused. Should you make the move? Should you not? Should I? Should I not? Time..they always say..time will tell. Wait..the waiting game. Is this what is freedom? I call it the chains of freedom.

The NightLife

The smoke. The bad air. The heat. The hots. The bootilicious. The short skirts. The plunging necklines. The dance. The moves. The drinks. The kisses. The imaginary friends. The amazing company. The rich. The poor. The famous. The party. The dreams. The hope. The wish. The money. The treats. The mixers. The rooms. The music. The superficial. The reality. The cars. The chops. The clothes. The skin colour. The assholes. The kind. The wrong. The right. The unbelievable. The phone. The messages. The missed calls. The no-replies. The crowd. The fat. The ugly. The mistakable. The pretty. The nice. The considerate. The bastards. The taking advantage. The boring. The good looking. The attractive. The appropriate. The mis-matched. The sexy. The down-to-the-earth. The dark clouds. The rain. The cries. The screams. The fabulous. The scatter. The brains. The height. The levels. The tables. The sofa. The waiters. The loving. The relationships. The tears. The heart. The head. The mind. The soul. The inferno. The sprinklers. The restrooms. The make up. The hair. The big. The latin. The all-over-the-place. The salsa. The retro. The R&B. The pure. The dirt. The sloth. The jeans. The shirt. The time. The meaning. The lonely. The drowning. The sorrows. The happy. The sad. The useless. The acceptable. The laid back. The understanding. The underrated. The overstated. The mean. The lean. The green. The black. The orange. The red. The neon. The lightings. The ceiling. The private. The functions. The splurge. The savings. The empty banks. The banks. The loaded. The time. The late. The early. The many. The least. The people. The thoughts. The disappearing. The distasteful. The why. The many whys. The many many whys. The forever and ever and ever. The nightlife.

Lonely No More

Now it seems to me
That you know just what to say
Words are only words
Can you show me something else
Can you swear to me that you'll always be this way
Show me how you feel
More than ever baby

I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list

I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore

Now its hard for me with my heart still on the mend
Open up to me, like you do your girlfriends
And you sing to me and it's harmony
Girl, what you do to me is everything
Make me say anything; just to get you back again
Why cant we just try

I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list

I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore

What if I was good to you, what if you were good to me
What if I could hold you till I feel you move inside of me
What if it was paradise, what if we were symphonies
What if I gave all my life to find some way to stand beside you

I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list

I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore

May we play like little puppies, find true happiness through the ages of innocence, move with agility and fluidity, dance with energy, promise with hope, understand by communicating and love with all our heart.

~Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth

~Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt

~Still a little hard to say what's going on

~Stones taught me to fly

~Love taught me to lie

~Life taught me to die

~So it's not hard to fall

~And I don't wanna lose

~It's not hard to grow

~When you know that you just don't know~

So where is the passion when you need it the most, You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost, cause you had a bad day, you're taking one down, you sing a sad song just to turn it around, you say you don't know, you tell me don't lie, you work at a smile and you go for a ride, you had a bad day, you've seen what you like, and how does it feel for one more time, you had a bad day.

Separate Lives

You called me from the room in your hotel

All full of romance for someone that you met

And telling me how sorry your were, leaving so soon

And that you miss me sometimes when you're alone in your room

Do I feel lonely too?


You have no right to ask me how I feel

You have no right to ask how i feel

You have no right to speak to me so kind

We can't go on just holding on to time

Now that we're living separate lives


Well I held on to let you go

And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show

There was no way to compromise

So now we're living

Separate Lives

Ooh, it's so typical, love leads to isolation

So you build that wall

Yes, you build that wall

And you make it stronger


Well you have no right to ask me how I feel

You have no right to speak to me so kind

Some day I might find myself looking in your eyes

But for now, we'll go on living separate lives

Yes for now, we'll go on living separate lives

Separate Lives

The Gift

Winter snow is falling down
Children laughing all around
Lights are turning on like a fairy tale come true
Sittin’ by the fire we made
You’re the answer when I prayed
I would find someone and baby I found you

And all I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more everyday
You saved my heart from being broken apart
You gave your love away
And I’m thankful everyday
For the gift

Watching as you softly sleep
What I’d give if I could keep
Just this moment if only time stood still
But the colors fade away
And the years will make us gray
But baby in my eyes you’ll still be beautiful

And all I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more everyday
You saved my heart from being broken apart
You gave your love away
And I’m thankful everyday
For the gift

All I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more everyday
You saved my heart from being broken apart
You gave your love away
And I’m thankful everyday
Can’t find the words to say
Thank you for the gift

- May we always see the best in life, the goodness in everyone, the optimistic, the bright side of ups and downs.

-May we find the patience on the verge of ragging madness, peace through deadly massacres, determination when working all odds, sweetness in bitterness and above all, love thyself and all other beings when all else fails.

-The path to happiness when one only walks it.

Pondering Thoughts

Trust is a very important factor for all relationships. When trust is broken, it is the end of the relationship. Lack of trust leads to suspicion, suspicion generates anger, anger causes enmit which may result in separation.

NO POINTING FINGERS

A man asked his father-in-law, "Many people praised you for a successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?" The father-in-law answered in a smile,"Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than you."

We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. The is the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves. If we forgive others, others will ignore our mistake too!

CREATING PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me find a suitable one." The SDU officer said, "Your requirements pls." "Oh, good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, and good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The offier listened carefully and replied, "I understand you need a television."

There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind wife and a deaf husband, because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cann hear the nagging of the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and dream of perpetual perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the excitement of love wears off, they wake up and discover that marriage is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.

NO OVERPOWERING

Many relationships fail because one party tries to overpower another, or demands too much. People in love tend to think that love will conquer all and their spouses will change their bad habits after marriage. Actually, this is not the case. There is a Chinese saying that carries the meaning that "It is easier to reshape a mountain or a river than a person's character."

It is not easy to change. Thus, having high expectations on changing the spouse's character will only cause disappointment and unpleasantness. Of course it is oh so simple saying all these. It is never easy implementing the actions and working on them. As difficult as it may seem, when there's a will there's always a way, as long as we don't give up.

It would be less painful to change ourselves and lower our expectations.

RIGHT SPEECH

"A speech will either prosper or ruin a nation." Many relationships break off because of wrong speech. When a couple is too close with each other, we always forget mutual respect and courtesy. We may say anything without considering if it would hurt the other party.

A friend and her millionaire husband visited their construction site. A worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted,"Hi, Emily! Remember me? We used to date in secondary school." On the way home, her millionaire husband teased her, "Luckily you married me, otherwise you will be the wife of a construction worker." She answered,"You should appreciate that you married me. Otherwise, he will be the millionaire and not you."

Frequently exchanging these remarks plants the seed for a bad relationship. It's like a broken egg - cannot be reversed.

PERSONAL PERCEPTION

Different people have different perceptions. One man's meat could be another man's poison. A couple bought a donkey from the market. On the way home, a boy commented, "Very stupid. Why neither of them rides on the donkey?" Upon hearing that, the husband let the wife ride the donkey. He walked besides them. Later, an old man saw it and commented, "The husband is the head of the family. How can the wife ride on the donkey while the husband is on foot?" Hearing this, the wife quickly got down and let the husband ride on the donkey. Further on the way home, they met an old lady. She commented,"How can the man ride on the donkey but let the wife walk. He is no gentleman." The husband thus quickly asked the wife to join him on the donkey. Then they met a young man. He commented,"Poor donkey, how can you hold up the weight of two persons. They are cruel to you." Hearing that, the husband and wife imediately climbed down and carried the donkey on their shoulders. It seems to be the only choice left. Later, on a narrow bridge. the donkey was frightened and struggled. They lost their balance and fell into the river.

You can never have everyone praise you, nor will everyone condemn you. Never in the past, not the present and never will be in the future. Do not be bothered by others' words if our conscience is clear..

Come Away with Me

We convince ourselves that life will be better once we're married, have a baby, then another. Then we get frustrated because our children are not old enough, and that all will be well when they are older. Then we are frustrated because they reach adolescence and we must deal with them. Surely we will be happier when they grow out of the teen years. We well ourselves that our life will be better when our spouse gets his/her act together, when we have a nicer car, when we take a vacation, when we finally retire. The truth is that there is no better time to be happy than right now. If not, then when? Your life will always be full of challenges. It is better to admit as much and to decide to be happy in spite of it all.

For the longest time, it seemed that life was about to start. Real life. But there was always some obstacle along the way, an ordeal to get through, some work to be finished, some time to be given, a bill to be paid. Then life would start. I finally came to understand that those obstacles were life. That point of view helped me to see that there isn't any road to happiness. Happiness IS the road. So enjoy every moment. Stop waiting for school to end, for a return to school, to lose ten pounds, for work to begin, to get married, for Friday evening, for Sunday morning, waiting for a new car for your mortgage to be paid off, for spring, for summer, for all, for winter, for the first or the fifteenth of the month, for your song to be played on the radio, to die, to be reborn....before deciding to be happy.

Happiness is a voyage, not a destination

There is no better time than now....

Live and enjoy the moment!

Now, think and try to answer these questions:

1) Name the 5 richest people in the world.

2) Name the last 5 Miss Universe Winners.

3) Name the last 10 Nobel Prize winners.

4) Name the last 10 winners of the Best Actor Oscar.

Can't do it? Rather difficult, isn't it? Don't worry, nobody remembers that. Applause dies away. Trophies gather dust. Winners are soon forgotten. Now answer these questions:

1) Name 3 teachers who contributed to your education.

2) Name 3 friends who helped you in your hour of need.

3) Think of a few people who made you feel special.

4) Name 5 people that you like to spend time with.

More manageable? It's easier, isn't it? The people who mean something to your lfie are not rated "the best", don't have the most money, havent' won the greatest prizes...They're the ones who care about you, take care of you, those who, no matter what, stay close by. Think about it for a moment. Life is short. And you, in which list are you? Don't know? Perhaps this can help:

You are not among the most "famous", but among those to whom I remember to send this message... Some time ago, at the Seattle Olympics, 9 athelets, all mentally or physically challenged, were standing on the start line for the 100m race. The gun fired and the race began. Not everyone was running, but everyone wanted to participate and win. They ran in threes, a boy tripped and fell, did a few somersaults and started crying. The other eight heard him crying. They slowed down and looked behind them. They stopped and came back...All of them... A girl with Down's Syndrome sat down next to him, hugged him and asked, "Feeling better now?" Then, all 9 walked shoulder to shoulder to the finish line. The whole crowd stood up and applauded. And the applause lasted a very long time.

Perhaps you've heard this story or anything similar over and over again. Well..Deep down inside us, we all know that the most important thing in life is much more than winning for ourselves. The most important thing in this life is to help others to win. Even if that means slowing down and changing our own race. Passing on what we know, what we feel; perhaps we will succeed in changing our heart, perhaps someone else's heart, as well...

A candle loses nothing if it is used to light another one.

The Lessons

A boy, ten, most prized possession was his football - he ate with it, slept with it and polished it weekly..instead of his shoes. He knew all about football - but on some other things like, where babies came from, he was a little hazy. One afternoon, he was playing in the street and lost his precious ball. He looked everywhere and figured someone had stolen it. Eventually he spotted a womanwho seemed to be hiding it under her jacket. So he marched up and asked her:" What do you think you're doing with my football stuck up your shirt?" It turned out that she didn't have his football..but that afternoon, he learned where babies came from - and what a woman looks like when she is nine months pregnant. Later that day, he also found his ball. What fascinated him was why he had never noticed a pregnant woman before the age of ten...and why, from then onward, he seemed to be surrounded by them.

We reach points in our life when we are ready for new information. Until then, something can be staring at us in the face but we don't see it.

The only time most of us ever learn anything is when we get hit over the back of the head. Because it's easier not to change. So we keep doing what we're doing until we hit a brick wall. When do we change diets and start exercising? When our body is falling apart - when the doctor says:"If you don't change your lifestyle, you'll kill yourself!" Suddenly we're motivated! In relationships - when do we usually tell each other how much we care? When the marriage is falling apart, when the family is falling apart! In school - when do we finally knuckle down and study? When we're about to fail. In business - when do we try new ideas and make the tough decisions? When we can't pay our bills. When do we finally learn about customer service? After the customers have left! When do we usually pray? When our life is falling apart! " Dear lord, I know I haven't spoken to you since the last time the yogurt hit the fan..." We learn out biggest lessons when things get rough. When have you made the most important decisions in your life? When you were on your knees - after disasters, after knock-backs, when you've been kicked in the head. That's when we say to ourselves:" I'm sick of being broke, sick of being kicked around. I'm tired of being mediocre. I'm going to do something." Success we celebrate - but we don't learn too much. Failure hurts - and that's when we get educated. In restropect, we usually notice "disasters" were turning points. Effective people don't go looking for problems, but when they get smacked in the mouth, they ask themselves:" How do I need to change what I'm thinking and what I'm doing? How can I be better than I am now? " Losers ignore all the warning signs. When the roof falls in, they ask: " Why does everything happen to me? " We are creatures of habit. We keep doing what we're doing until we're forced to change. Mary gets dumped by boyfriend Al. Devastated. she locks herself in her bedroom for a week. Then gradually she starts calling old friends and meet new ones. She soon moves house and changes jobs. Within 6 months, she is happier and more confident than she has ever been in her life. She looks back on the "disaster" of losing Al as the best thing that ever happened to her. Is life a series of painful disasters? Not necessarily. The universe is always nudging us with gentle signals. When we ignore them, it nudges us with a sledgehammer. Growth is most painful when we resist it.

"It's only by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble there lies your treasure. The very cave you are afraid to enter turns out to be the source of what you were looking for."

- Joseph Campbell -

Training for Compassion

With the thought of attaining enlightenment, For the welfare of all beings, Who are more precious than a wish-fulfilling jewel, I will constantly practise holding them dear.

Whenever I am with others, I will practise seeing myself as the lowest of all, And from the very depth of my heart, I will respectfully hold others as supreme.

In all actions I will examine my mind, And the moment a disturbing attitude arises, endangering myself and others, I will firmly confront and avert it.

Whenever I meet a person of bad nature, Who is overwhelmed by negative energy and intense suffering, I will hold such a rare one dear, As if I've found a precious treasure.

When others, out of jealousy, Mistreat me with abuse, slander and so on, I will practise accepting defeat, And offer the victory to them.

When someone I have benefited, And in whom I have placed great trust, Hurts me very badly, I will practise seeing that person as my supreme teacher.

In short, I will offer directly and indirectly, Every benefit and happiness to all beings, my mothers. I will practise in secret taking upon myself, All their harmful actions and sufferings.

Without these practises being defiled by the stains of the eight wordly concerns, By perceiving all phenomena as illusory, I will practise without grasping to release all beings, From the bondage of the disturbing unsubdued mind and karma.

This Too Will Pass

One of the most priceless teachings that helps with depression, is also one of the simplest. But teachings that seem simple are easy to misunderstand. Only when we are finally free from depression can we claim to have truly understood the following story.

The new prisoner was afraid and very depressed. The stone walls of his cell soaked up any warmth; the hard iron bard sneered at all compassion; the jarring collision of steel, as many gates closed, locked hope beyond reach. His heart sank as low as his sentence stretched long. On the wall, by the head of his cot, he saw scratched in the stone the following words: THIS TOO WILL PASS. These words pulled him through, as they must have supported the prisoner before him. NO matter how hard it got, he would look at the inscription and remember, " This too will pass." One the day he was released, he knew the truth of those words. His time completed; jail too had passed. As he regained his life, he often thought about that message, writing on bits of paper to leave by his bedside, in his car and at work. Even when times were bad, he never got depressed. He simply remembered, "This too will pass", and struggled on through. The bad times never seemed to last all that long. Then when good times came he enjoyed them but never too carelessly. Again he remembered, " This too will pass", and so carried on working at his life, taking nothing for granted. The good times always seemed to last uncommonly long. Even when he got cancer," This too will pass" gave him hope. Hope gave him strength and the positive attitude that beat the disease. One day the specialist confirmed that 'the cancer too has passed'. At the end of his days, on his death bed, he whispered to his loved ones, "This too will pass",and settled easily into death. His words were his last gift of love to his family and friends. They learned from him that 'grief too will pass'.

Depression is a prision that many of us pass through. "This too will pass" helps us pull through. It also avoids one of the great causes of depression, which is taking the happy times too much for granted.

It's Too Much to Hope For

It's too much to hope for a life without pain, It's wrong to expect a life wihout, For pain is our body's defence. No matter how much we dislike it, And nobody likes pain, Pain is important, And, For Pain we should be grateful. How else would we know, To move our hand from the fire? Our finger from the blade? Our foot from the thorn?

Yet, there's a type of pain that serves no purpose, That's chronic pain, It's that elite band of pain that's not for defence. It's an attacking force, An attacker from within, A destroyer of personal happiness, An aggressive assailant on personal ability, A ceaseless invader of personal peace, And, A continuous harrassment to Life!

Chronic pain is the hardest hurdle for the mind to jump. Sometimes it is almost impossible to jump, Yet we must keep on trying, And trying, And trying, Because if we don't, it will destroy. And, From this battle will come some good, The satisfaction of overcoming pain. The achievement of happiness and peace, of life in spite of it. This is quite an achievement, An achievement very special, very personal, A feeling of strength, Of inner strength, Which has to be experienced to be understood.

So, we all have to accept pain, Even sometimes destructive pain. For it is part of the scheme of things, And the mind can manage it, And the mind will become stronger for the practice.

~ Jonathan Wilson-Fuller~

Opening the door of your Heart

Several centuries ago, seven monks were in a cave in a jungle somwhere in Asia, meditating on unconditional love. There was the head monk, his brother and his best friend. The fourth was the head monk's enemy: they just cannot get along. The fifth monk in the group was a very old monk, so advanced in years that he was expected to die at anytime. The sixth monk was sick - so ill in fact that he too could die at any time. And the last monk, the seventh, was the useless monk. He always snored when he was supposed to be meditating; he couldn't remember his chanting, and if he did he would chant off-key. He couldn't even keep his robes on properly but the others tolerated him and thanked him for teaching them patience. One day a gang of bandits discovered the cave. It was so remote, so well hidden, that they wanted to take over as their own base, so they decided to kill all the monks. The head monk, fortunately, was a very persuasive speaker. He managed to persuade the gang of bandits to let all the monks go, except one, who would be killed as a warning to the other monks not to let anyone know the location of the cave. That was the best the head monk could do.The head monk was left alone for a few minutes to make the awful decision of who should be sacrificed so that the others could go free. Who did the head monk choose? The enemy? His brother? The useless monk? The answer: The head monk was unable to choose. His love for his brother was exactly the same, no more and no less, than his love for his best friend - which was exactly the same as his love for his enemy, for the old monk, the sick monk, and even for the dear old useless monk. He had perfected the meaning of these words: the door of my heart will always be open to you, whatever you do, whoever you are. The door of the head monk's heart was wide open to all, with unconditional, non-discriminating, free-flowing love. And mos poignanatly, his love for others was equal to his love for himself. The door of his heart was open to himself as well. That's why he couldn't choose between himself and others. 'Love thy neighbour as thy self'. Not more than yourself and not less than yourself, but equal to yourself. It means to regard others as one would regard oneself, and oneself as one regards others. Why is it that most people will think that the head monk would choose himself to die? Why is it, in our cultute, that we are always sacrificing ourselves for others and this is held to be good? Why is it that we are more demanding, critical and punishing of ourselves than of anyone else? It is for one and the same reason: we have not yet learned how to love ourselves. If you find it difficult to say to another ' the door of my heart is opened to you, whatever you do', then that difficulty is trifling compared with the difficulty you will face in saying to yourself: 'Me. The one I've veen so close to for as long as I can remember. Myself. The door of my heart is open to me as well. All of me no matter what I've done. Come in.' That is what is meant by loving ourselves: it's called forgiveness. It is stepping free from the prison of guilt, it is being at peace with yourself. And if you do find the courage to say those words to yourself, honestly, in the privacy of your inner world, then you will rise up, not down, to meet sublime love. One day, we all have to say to ourselves those words, or ones similar, with honesty, not playing games. When we do, it is as if a part of ourselves that had been rejected, living outside in the cold for so long, has now come home. We fell unified, whole, and free to be happy. Only when we love ourselves in sucha way can we know what it means to really love another, no more, no less. We do not have to be perfect without fault to give ourselves such love. If you wait for perfection, it never arrives. We must open the door of our heart to ourselves, whatever we have done. Once inside, we are perfect.

The Decision

Illusion. Delusion. Confusion. Suddenly, everything becomes clear. Then suddenly again, it becomes mirky and unfathomable. MIust life always be up and down, meandering and straight, dull and exciting, happy and sad? If life is such, should I follow it? Like waves lapping the shore, clouds shifting with the wind, trees leaning towards to sunlight. Should I dwell in the unexplainable? Should I expect the unexpected? Should I even be writing my blogs this way? Why suffer in self pity? Why indulge in misery? Why make myself sad? Why be under the wings of unhappiness & uncertaintity? Why let bitterness overwhelm me? Why not find inner peace? Why not just let things be? Why not let nature take its course? Why not just let things flow? Let things flow....a very familiar phrase. Where have I heard it from? I know where...why should I ask where? Self denial. I am full of it. I imagine myself to be happy, run away from the tormenting whirlwind in the heart and mind, then tell myself to face them all full front and then come to terms with being full of sorrow before starting to realise that it was all but a self fulfilling prophecy. How would I know whether it's the right choice. How would I know if it was right path? How would it be different if I'd chosen a different route? Led a different life? How would the thoughts and feelings change? How would the perceptions be different? Why find myself in a pile of shit and move on to another bigger pile? Why not see the world differently, the path I took as a learning curve, a learning journey, an enriching lifelong experience that each and every individual experiences somewhat differently. We were all brought up differently; each of us are unique. Why not let that uniqueness shine rather than obscure that special part of us with pain and torturing thoughts? We should love ourselves..but what happens when we love ourselves too much? Do we become selfish? Do we become oblivious to others around us? Do we think only for ourselves? Do we become self centred and reserved? Do we start seeing other people's weakness as strength of our own? Do we use others like how we use ourselves; subconsciously? Should we enjoy love on its own or love hatred to gain more love? Is the origin of sorrow, desire? Or is the origin of desire, sorrow? Do the two really interlink? When I am undergoing tremendous pain, are others feeling equally bad or worse? There're people who are worse off; we all go through different things, we start off the same and end the same; it's the process of getting to our destination that is different. It is either we make full use of the opportunity given to us, understand the trivalities in life, appreciate everything around us, accepting the ups and downs, meandering and straight, happiness and saddness or dwell in self pity, self denial, choose to attach ourselves to everything, concentrate on what is missing. Why create the saddness? Why should I create the saddness? Why should I suffer in misery? Perhaps life is happiness. We choose to be happy. We choose to be miserable. We cannot choose not to feel pain because that is inevitable. Just like death. Death is unavoidable. Understanding an emotion is difficult. Accepting it is the utmost challenge. Should one desire more? Or should one be just satisfied? Decisions and more decisions. Or maybe I think too much? Come on, nothing wrong with thinking so much is there? Or is there? So much support. So many friends. How many are true support? True friends? How can we tell? How can we discover? How should we behave? How should we think? In fact, most things, if not all requires making decisions. I havent seen enough of life mayb, to understand its full meaning. I have not gone through enough uncertainties, toughness, complications, extreme downfalls again and over again, to realise that I am infact very lucky. Always look on the bright side they say; why live your life miserably when you can live it happily so that you die in peace? Can we choose how we want to die? We can choose how we want to live..but death...it remains a mystery. It always have been. Then again, why ask questions with no answers? Let time uncover the questionable, the suspicions, the superficalities. Even if our lifetime still give us no answers to the questions we have always been asking, just let it be. We should accept the fact that it is the way it is going to be. There shall be no answers. And because there shall be no answers, there shall be no questions to ask for those answers. When we let it all go, let loose a little, we actually find the answers. The answers to inner peace, quiet and secret happiness. When we fight life all the time, life always wins. Take a step back, reflect on it all; each and every step..look at every step...step by step...step by step..

The Attachment

Sex on The Beach, Long Island, Kalua. Cocktails. Drinking and more drinking. The night was young. I was out at the pub. I needed to distress. I needed to chill. I needed the company of my colleague and friend. The dungeon seems cold and the air stale. I feel cold and stale. The chills that run down my spine creeps back up again and doesn't go away. The smoke, the songs, the people, the seat, the company. The latter, so sweet, so understanding, so kind, so nice, so shy, so near yet so far. The to be yet not to be. What did it fall into? Why did it happen? Why change? Why must it be the wrong timing? So much bitterness wrapping the forever sweetness, yet it'll take forever to uncover the best within. The lies, deceit, irresponsibilities that I hold dear to myself. The fault lies in me, I blame myself for any mistake I make, blame myself for any shortcomings I have and blame myself even more if those I care for are hurt and when I see the pain radiating from their eyes. Don't hold it all against yourself, they'll say. Accept the changes, accept the pain, accept the fear, accept the mistakes and don't repeat them again. What's past is past, the future is all that we should aim for. Do not anticipate what the future will bring. Live today to the fullest, filled with wonderful memories so that today can become tomorrow's beautiful history. Don't fight life as it always wins. Pain is inevitable and misery is a choice. Of course, most of the time we choose misery don't we? Females in particular tend to take everything more emotionally than guys. We become more illogical and start to get hysterical and cannot compartmentalise. Men, the balance of our hysteria, the root of all evil? (I believe comments will be controversial) Find me the path to happiness. Find me the answers to my ever pessimistic thoughts and feelings. Find me the route to walk through the thorny jungle of superficiality into a clearing of the green pastures where the rainbow lights up the sky. Show me the meaning of being lonely. Show me the meaning of a time off. Show me the meaning of falling in and outta love. Show me the meaning of the complexities in life. Show me how to rid the disarray of thoughts flowing through after all these years when I thought that I've gotten over them. Let it all go they say. Let go and things that you always wanted will come back. Must the challenge always be appreciating everything yet attaching yourself to nothing? The hurt, the pain, the deja vu, it all comes back to haunt, to torture, to flash in front of my already messed up mind. Let it go Serene, they all say, live for tomorrow and not yesterday. ...There's sucha thing as trying too hard... ...You've got to sing like you don't need the money... ...Love like you'll never get hurt... ...You've gotta dance like nobody's watching... ...It's gotta come from the heart if you want it to work...

Patience is Virtue

A man came out of his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his three-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint of the truck. The man ran to his son, knocked him away, hammered the little boy's hands into pulp as punishment. When the father calmed down, he rushed his son to the hospital.

Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy's hands. When the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, "Daddy, I'm sorry about your truck." Then he asked, "But when are my fingers going to grow back?" The father went home & committed suicide.

Think about this story the next time someone steps on your feet or u wish to take revenge. Think first before u lose your patience with someone u love. Trucks can be repaired... Broken bones & hurt feelings often can't. Too often we fail to recognize the difference between the person and the performance. We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge.

People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.

Peace of Mind

Serenity. Peace. Quiet. Dreams become reality and reality becomes a dream. Taking time to reflect on the past is a sad thing when we over indulge in it. Acknowledging the things you've done wrong, felt wrong and spoke wrong, becomes a fear. There it is again. Death. Death of a flower, death of a life, death of life.

Why talk about death? Aren't there happiness anymore? Why ask so many questions about life? Why talk about life? Why discuss such issues that will only result in more unhappiness? Emotions are always women's greatest enemy. Overcoming it without forming attachments are great acheivements yet having no emotions makes women insensitive and probably not understanding. I heard a teaching - Bear no attachments. Learn to release. It seems a daunting task but being able to do it gives you great satisfaction. There have been many things I have learned along the way. Picking up the bits and pieces, the trails, the mysteries, the secrets and unraveling the inner truth about myself. Surprised to discover what I did not imagine I would find or could it be what I wished I did not find.

Stop it now. Going on and on with these thoughts. Foolish yet so Serene. Can I do it? Yes you can. Yes I can! Bring back those happy thoughts and get a hold of yourself! Why drift away and indulge into indefinite things like pinning for the future instead of taking moments by one moment? Biting off a bit at a time and eventually seeing the bigger picture. A painstaking effort but worthwhile. Many things awaiting to uncover. Many things awaiting to be said. Many things still left undiscovered. Not the day for blogging.

Stop it now. Yes you can....yes you can....