It's all Coming Back

There were many life turning events during those 3 years. No more were the lessons interesting. No more were the days exciting. They were all filled with lies and more lies. They were so full of deceit and uninviting thoughts. Why must it be so I often asked myself? How come my world seemed so bleak and depressing? Each day did not see light. Every step met darkness and more darkness. I reached out and hoped to hold something familiar. Everything was like a dream and waking up did not do any good either. Staring into space didn't make it any better. Wierd thoughts just kept coming. Imaginative and unrealistic ones too! Was I thinking too much? Was I expecting too much? What did I really want? So many questions and too little answers. Or maybe I had the answers but never got about putting them into action. Was it a love hate relationship with myself, my parents and my love life? Could anybody see the pain I was going through? 3 years saw me looking for answers to my wildest thoughts and 3 years later saw me giving up on them. There were too many whys and how come? I cannot explain and never can. Nobody could really understand as well. My parents were expecting too much from me though they never really said it directly. I over analysed the situations. Or was I simply too sensitive? Tears were my faithful companions. Anger was a part of me. I did not see my focus in life. I was lost. I just listened and did what people told me to because I felt they were always right. I made myself be used and regretted it. I also used myself thinking it was for the benefit of both and I regretted it. Death became that part of me that I can never let go. Only did I realise that it never really went away. I just found someone and there, let it go again. I stepped into another relationship without understanding or letting myself get over the previous ones. Again and again I let myself into more entangling masses and got out of it by going into another again. Finally it seemed that I got myself free from it all. And then it all came back to me.