Is it so difficult to understand how tough it is juggling work and study? Or do I always portray the look of ease, carefree & no worries or stress? I don't understand why I have to be disciplined. Can't they not see it's called choice? I will accept whatever responsibility even if I took the wrong route and I made mistakes. Why can't I fall? Haven't I fallen so many times before? What's the difference now? Why tell me about rules and regulations if the actual reason is all so clear that I just need to stay home more often? Is it so difficult to just let go? Why say that if I were to stay in this house, I need to abide by houserules? Why now? Why compare me with people that are bums? I need space..I need my own air to breathe..I need a holiday. Why use my long deserved holiday against me? Why ask reasons for its length? Why say things like you did? It is tiring enough..work and all..why added pressure? Can't you see I have had enough? Could getting a dog be the wrong decision ever? It was choosing between dog and family...I chose family..and therefore the dog...is it so difficult to see? Why? Why all these? Havent I suffered enough of brainwash? Can't i just lead the life I wanted to? Why be afraid to let me fall yet at the same time saying if I don't fall now I don't learn...let me suffer...let me cry...let me go...I cannot understand anything...I have so many things right now and I don't want it affecting my only focus - my new degree; the one degree I can call my own, my achievement. It is tough making ends meet. No more depression, please...how much of anxiety and saddness can I go through again? Once, twice...enough!!! No more.....please...all these...just go away...take the pain away...the sorrow..the fear..the anguish..the hurt..And suddenly nobody is there..nobody understands..yet then again perhaps I just didn't let anyone understand..I kept everything to myself..what's new anyway? it's just me. I know myself.
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Tears coming in spurts; slowly..i feel ok...I don't feel ok...it all happens immediately and too fast...and too soon. Probably people are around so everything don't come out all at one shot. All I need now is a shoulder to cry on. Perhaps I need to see a shrink again. I don't know what to do. I hate it when I cry suddenly..and then I feel ok then I cry again and tear...i just wanna cry it all out...I don't feel hurt..i feel numbness. I feel indifferent. It is wierd. I need you here..yet I don't. I want to see you. I just want to run away; far away as possible. I don't want you to see me this way. I hate myself. I hate it when it happens. I hate feeling this way. I feel so suffocated. Anxiety pangs..tears of I don't know what...keep rolling down my cheeks. Anger, perhaps. Confusion, perhaps. Lethargy, perhaps. What? Why? Should i control? Stop it I say...stop all these silly thoughts going through your mind.
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The Big L.