Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Set Me Free

If I'm not in love with you
What is this I am going through, Tonight
And if my heart is lying then
What should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Every time I think about you, baby
Why else do I want you like I do
If I am not in love with you

And if I don't need your touch
Why do I miss you so much, Tonight
If it's just infatuation then
Why is my heart aching
To hold you forever
Give a part of me I thought I'd never
Give again to someone I could lose
If I am not in love with you

Why in every fantasy
Do I feel your arms embracing me
Lovers lost in sweet desire
Why in dreams do I surrender
Lying with you baby
Someone help explain this feeling
Someone tell me

If I am not in love with you
What is this I am going through, Tonight
And if my heart is lying then what should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Every time I think about you baby
Why else do I want like I do

If I am not in love with you


Am I true to you, the way I really feel. Have I told you all the regrets that hurt, the mistakes I've made, the wrongs I want to make right. I want to rid how crazy I've become, to have a fresh start, to hold a different perspective, to know how you feel, to create a better world for you and me. Why did it all turn out this way? The mess I've made. Forgive myself for the torture, pain and guilt. The deceit, the lies. I cannot understand the way I feel, the wild imaginations I have, the paranoia all these makes. You've done so much so far. I drove you away. How sad that is for you and me. But things happen for a reason don't they? You needed me. I ran away. I lived in self denial. You ran too! For awhile. To lead a more carefree life. To pull away from the strings of love & hysteria. You understood how much you loved me then. I kept on trying again and trying. I calmed down. You came back. I moved on, though. Was it too late I ask myself now; if only I could've waited a little longer. But like it always is, we live for today. Today affects tomorrow. Tomorrow the day after and then the future. But tomorrow we can never see, let alone the future. So why not be happy for now, the present, the moment? Reliving the past; it keeps catching up with me. Haunting me, hunting me down. I am weak. Seems weaker than before. Where was the strength I'd? I cannot say no. I have no mind of my own or perhaps I simply don't use it. I never dared to make decisions out of the ordinary. I never wanted to try hard enough. Pushing myself too much, expectations drive me crazy. I fear to fail and so I stop in the middle of my tracks and head backwards, back into the comfort areana I have already travelled and know the route, the familiar one that will never go wrong, for now. Never accepting change. Scared to see what happens after that. Anticipation. Expectations. Expecting how I should feel is a terrible thing. When the expected feeling doesn't go as "planned", I feel upset, sickened, not understanding why it should be so since it seemed to me, at first, that I "SHOULD BE" feeling that way, anyway. How did it ever lead to this?

I wonder if you'll run away again. I seem to be tightening everything around you once more. I know that to love someone is to set them free. If they come back to you, it's meant to be. If they don't then perhaps not now, not this life. We are all scared to let go. We get too attached to things. When an attachment is lost, we are lost. We cannot find the direction we could see so clearly when we were free. All, right now, is about me, my stupid selfish me, myself and my sorrowful love, my frustrations and my hurt. I am forgetting that no man is an island and all that comes with it. I imagine living in my own misery, my own regrets, my own guilts, indulging in my own self-pity. Be strong I keep telling myself. There'll always be someone there to help me when I fall, not you, not me, not them but someone. When all hope is bleak, all strength is weak, all light is dim, all road is winding, the earth never stops rotating, the world keeps moving, the light keeps flikering, the wind keeps blowing, dreams keep living, moods keep swinging. Nothing stops to wait for me. Only I choose to let everything else stop because I myself stopped with whatever is holding me back. I choose the path of death. Or I can choose the path of life. The path of light and hope and love.
Set me free................

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