Dear Aunt Agony

I am always making mistakes.
I can never get things right.
The more careful I am, the harder I try, the more mistakes I make.
I get stressed and then flustered and then all I can think of is giving up.
Could it be I never try hard enough?

URGH! I hate myself.

2 months and 3 days later

It was a period to find myself and what I wanted.

I have been job hopping since I completed my second degree in hospitality. I went after that dream, that passion only to realise that the meager pay, irregular working hours ain't for a person like me. Yes I must admit that I love interacting with people and meeting their expectations makes me happy but that is not everything in a job. Eventually I asked myself at this age, where do I see myself in the next 10 years time? Seems like a long time but I assure you that time passes very fast when we count the weeks and months that go by. 4 weeks becomes 8 and then 12 months. Do we remember in detail what we have done just a week ago? It could just be the routines that we recollect.

I must say I was in urgent need of finding a job and earning my keep. I never stopped sending my resumes and burying my head in Saturday's classifieds. There were moments in between where I broke down wondering when I will find something that meets my expectations. Fortunately, I have Baby Chee with me, encouraging me every step of the way, telling me not to rush, not to despair. I have friends who say it is better to spend a little more time finding a job that I will stay in rather than just taking any that comes just because I need one to support my finances. Thanks to all of you, I am still sane.

I took the 2 jobless months to get back on my workout regime, family bonding (I'd dinner home every day to save $$), doggie walks, books (one of which is The Art of Racing in the Rain) and heaps of online video streaming.

And with enough time to rest, I am down with a sore throat. GREEEEEeeeaaaAAAT!

All About Loving You

You know who you are.

: )))

Double Degree..but so what?

30 years ago, attaining a degree is a big thing.

Today, attaining a double degree is not a big thing either. In fact, it is easy to find someone on the streets with an honours degree or even, a masters.

How is the job market like right now? Will it be easier to find a job with a double degree, an honours degree or a masters? Will qualification get you the job you want? Will experience get you the job you want? I believe many will go with "it depends".

For me, I say experience is key. If you have the necessary network, even better! All you need is pull some strings and you are right on track. But how many people are that privileged? Perhaps I should say how many will be principled enough to not use pulling strings to land the job they want? Is it silly when the opportunity is placed right in front of your eyes only to have you turn it away because it was there unethically?

Looking for a job I want and yet does not shortchange me financially comes few and far. Sometimes after finding it, being interviewed for it, there is no offer; not even a second interview. It has only been a month. Many my age might use this time to take a break, regain their career footing. Celebrating my 1 month anniversary being jobless is excitingly stressful. Every night I wonder if the next day will be hopeful or hopeless. When I keep thinking how sad my bank account is right now, I get even more uptight. When I know I have to rely on my loved ones to "survive", I feel at my all time low. I soon start to panic mentally and my chest tightens, a phelgm-like wheezing reaction occurs and I will keep coughing to clear my lungs. It helps to ease the situation but only temporarily. I would like to think it is caused by the erratically changing weather conditions but I never had such symptoms before. Could my already poor immune system be getting weaker as the days go by? I wish I knew what is wrong.

Finding a job isn't difficult. It is finding one I want that is! I will be more positive because I know it isn't impossible.

When negative emotions get the better of you, just take a few steps back, a few more deep breaths, take control and move on.

Vacuumed

I sit blurry-eyed and stared blankly at the computer screen as I type this. I could feel the pair of scissors finding its way into my heart; its continual stabbing until the life is sucked out of me. Why should there be fear? Why can't I open up? I live in my own world. I wonder how long your patience will last trying to explain over and over again to someone who seems oblivious to consequences and what is going on around her. I feel every blow with each sentence though the aim wasn't personal; it was simply just to make me see, see from another angle.

The more I see the things happening, the more I feel so small and brainless. I only can conclude it's plain stupidity. My mum is oh so right this time.

Blaming Me

Self Blame

I read a self hypnosis website that it is not healthy to keep blaming yourself when things go wrong. They said that people who tend to self blame have usually been blamed unfairly when they were growing up. These people also will not take credit or accept compliments readily when things go well. Too much of self blame is cause for depression. Too much of not accepting responsibility also carry its own problems. It is easy to say that we must maintain balance and not go too extreme.

Suicide

It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Thereafter there is no turning back. It takes great courage to kill yourself. It also takes great courage to acknowledge that you are depressed and have suicidal thoughts. It will be good to talk to someone professionally trained because he/she will not ask you to "snap out of it" but listen to your thoughts and listen to your feelings. Sometimes we just need someone to listen. We do not need solutions. We just need to pour our feelings.

After reading the symptoms of several other mood related experiences, I believe I fall into the Bipolar Depression category. Having mixed states - hyperactivity at some point or hopeless and very sad at some point. Apparently it is a life long and recurrent illness. I have constantly wondered if I will be better after taking anti-depressants. I am glad to always have the support of loved ones.

My baby always has solutions when I feel down. He says he is always there for me, protecting me, my body and soul. I sometimes feel he overreacts, over-worry, over-protects. Sadly, when things go awry, I will be the first to run away. And then like a dog when cornered, bite back. I am not him. I don't solve issues there and then. Am I unappreciative? Or am I just immature? Or maybe just a failure?

There we go again...self blame.

Another sleepless night

Just a day before a happy weekend I have to feel heavy hearted. What did I do wrong again? Did you just test me? Or did I just fall into a hole I dug? You say tell you how truly how I feel; all my thoughts but it seems to me that I must really think before I speak and it is so tedious. It is so tedious! Everything..EVERYTHING is making me paranoid; like what if I say something and you aren't happy; like what if you actually are waiting for me to call, but I didn't. It wasn't that I didn't think of calling. I did. But then I thought it wasn't necessary because it wasn't as if we had argued. It wasn't as if there was even a problem. You didn't reply my message when I asked if I needed to give the concierge any particulars. I also said thank you for the arrangement and I love you. So right away, I thought you were busy once you got home preparing your dinner, getting ready for bed and also the next day for the hotel stay. Then later all I said was is everything ok? after you took awhile to reply my sms telling you I was on the way to the train station. To cut it all short, your last sms was hurtful. It was as if I didn't care about you at all. Was not replying me a test? What is happening now? What's wrong with me? Are you not seeing the way you are treating me? I bet you think you treat me just fine; the best in fact.

I just broke down emotionally and psychologically again. Tears rolling down my cheeks. When you try to clarify or even explain your stand, it is as if bullets come out from your mouth. They shoot me down. They don't kill me. They just let the blood spill from the bullet wounds. Stop it already...please stop...

I am wounded. I don't know what to do. I can't concentrate on packing. I don't want a repeat of our last hotel stay weekend. You say we can't live on love. But what is just giving a little more love? Is it just too much to ask for?

Dear Blog, I just have to do this entry and make it so personal. I suddenly just want to tear my heart out. I see all the clothes thrown on the bed. My mind is a blank right now. Music. Music feels my ears, my heart. Something that quite describes what I am going through. Enjoy.

There's nothing I could say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me
All the pain, the tears I cried
Still you never said goodbye and now I know
How far you'd go

I know I let you down but it's not like that now
This time I'll never let you go

I will be all that you want and get myself together
'Cause you keep me from falling apart
All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything okay

I thought that I had everything
I didn't know what life could bring
But now I see, honestly
You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe 'cause you're here with me

And if I let you down, I'll turn it all around
'Cause I would never let you go

I will be all that you want and get myself together
'Cause you keep me from falling apart
And all my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything okay

Without you I can't breathe
I'm not gonna ever, ever let you leave
You're all I got, you're all I want, oh
'Cause without you I don't know what I'd do
I can never, ever live a day without you
Here with me, do you see you're all I need?

And I will be, all that you want and get myself together
'Cause you keep me from falling apart
And all my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything okay

I will be all that you want and get myself together
'Cause you keep me from falling apart
And all my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything okay

What is going on?

I sit here thinking what I did wrong, again. My stomach does knots. I can literally feel the gastric juices being secreted from its glands. I am afraid to speak my thoughts. It fears me to hear replies that choke my wind pipe. My flaws, my death.

Screwing the Blues

Dear Blog,

I am feeling heavy hearted today. Could it be the rain? I wore a happy coloured, tulips-patterned spaghetti dress to the meeting today to liven up my mood.

I haven't been a very sensitive person. I left you emotionally stranded. I never knew how much I've changed till I am romantically involved with you. It has been awhile since I self reflected. Perhaps I do not have time for myself because of my job. The way we perceive love is different. Our ideals are also different. Opposites attract. Is it true? Have I been too self-centred I fail to notice us. I never knew I was a lousy lover. I have constantly been asking myself if I am good enough after all that I've been through; all that I've done. I couldn't accept you though I tried. I knew I did. You are confused and I believe, question my love for you.

From you, I see my flaws. I see bad qualities that I never thought existed. Perhaps I knew they did but I secretly suppressed them and they soon became that part of my subconscious that I gladly hope will not resurface. But when you don't acknowledge their existence, they do catch up on you. It is just a matter of time. Despite all these you have made me see, you never gave up on me. You accepted all my shortcomings. You accepted me for who I am.

I can blame it on how I was brought up. Based very much on traditional Chinese values, I was torn between expressing my feelings, chasing my dreams & passion and taking a very practical view of things by accepting reality for what it is i.e. money talks. It is difficult to come to terms with this because money doesn't equate job satisfaction.

I feel like I am screwing up my own life and it nearly killed my relationship with you. I gotta really self reflect man and ponder over what you have written: How much would you give for love?

Don't Know Why

I need to self-reflect.

My All

I am thinking of you
In my sleepless solitude tonight
If it's wrong to love you
Then my heart just won't let me be right
Cause I've drowned in you
And I won't pull through
Without you by my side

I'd give my all, to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life
to feel Your body next to mine
Cause I can't go on Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight

Baby can you feel me
Imagining I'm looking in your eyes
I can see you clearly
Vividly emblazoned in my mind
And yet you're so far
Like a distant star
I'm wishing on tonight

I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel Your body next to mine
Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight
I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel Your body next to mine
Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight
Give my all for your love Tonight

I Don't Want to Cry

Once again we sit in silence
After all is said and done
Only emptiness inside us
Baby look what we've become
We can make a million promises
But we still won't change
It isn't right to stay together
When we only bring each other pain

[Chorus]

I don't wanna cry
Don't wanna cry
Nothing in the world
Could take us back
To where we used to be
Though I've given you my heart and soul
I must find a way of letting go
'Cause baby
I don't wanna cry

Too far apart to bridge the distance
But something keeps us hanging on
Pretending not to know the difference
Denying what we had is gone
Every moment we're together
It's just breaking me down
I know we swore it was forever
But it hurts too much to stay around

[Repeat Chorus]

All the magic's gone
There's just a shadow of a memory
Something just went wrong
We can't go on make-believing
On make-believing

[Repeat Chorus]

I Hope Everything is Ok

Love comes in many stages. You meet someone whom you share things in common with, fall in love along the way and have a relationship together. Or you can meet someone you often get into squabbles with yet still fall in love along the way and have an everlasting relationship. Of course, relationships don't always have happy endings. And many are taken for granted. After awhile, the butterfly feelings disappear and true colours appear. The more you get to know someone, the more you ask yourself whether you can accept both the good and bad for better or for worse. Quarrels ensue which can strain the love or make couples understand each other more.

In all the many relationships I've been through, there will come a time when I ask the question "How come 'I miss you' is rarely heard now?" To most guys, the relationship has been upgraded to another level. To some, it's time for the relationship to end because it has become stale. Is 'I miss you' so difficult to say or these 3 words are forgotten because either party is there; just a phone call away? Is being pampered so difficult to come by? Are whispering sweet nothings, chatting hours on the phone as if there were endless things to say, memories now that the relationship has so called strengthened and entered into another phase of love?

Will it be silly to say you will always miss the courtship days; where butterflies will be part of the love equation? It is also silly to force 'I miss you', 'I love you', 'I need you'. Yet it feels so sweet when you hear them. I feel that couples should constantly remind themselves that these are little things that can work the magic in a relationship. We get too comfortable with each other and think that what we are doing is enough to keep the relationship alive.

Am I the only one to feel this way? Am I not doing enough? Am I thinking too much?

I feel emotional tonight and music never leaves my side. What else can you do when you can't sleep anyway?

When you have alot on your mind...

....you can't sleep.

....you think even more.

....you get frustrated.

....you become upset.

....you sometimes don't think rationally.

....you wonder if life treats you fairly.

....you wish you had more family support.

....you feel that things could have been better if there had been more communication.

I stay up listening to the radio and cannot sleep because the body is tuned to working overnight shift for the past 6 days; 11pm to 7.30am. The graveyard shift it is with only 11 of us prowling the floor in the dead of the night. So the supposed off day, Sunday, 25 January 2010, was taken up sleeping and at 9.30pm, a call was received informing us night shift people that we are to report the next day, Monday, 26 January 2010 at 2.30pm. I wonder how my body is able to switch just like that? There is no REAL day off in between to allow my bio-rythm to adjust. Such treatment. Such welfare.

And then..there is the lack of family encouragement. Mockery rules. It hurts. How could they make such comparisons? Things are different now. People change. The person ain't the same. I am more matured. I grew older. I am going through so much more now, shouldering more responsibilities.

You say I should think about the future. Don't I always? It scares me. The financial aspects, starting a family, having kids and growing old. But what my parents have said brought back the fear...

While I blog, one of my favourite songs plays on Class 95:

Stand By Me

by Shayne Ward

Nothing's impossible

Nothing's unreachable

When I am weary

You make me stronger

This love is beautiful

So unforgetable

I feel no winter cold

When we're together

When we're together

[chorus]

Will you stand by me

Hold on and never let me go

Will you stand by me

With you I know I belong

When the story gets told
When day turns into night

I look into your eyes

I see my future now

All the world and its wonder
This love wont fade away

And through the hardest days

I'll never question us

You are the reason

My only reason

Will you stand by me

Hold on and never let me go

Will you stand by me

With you I know I belong

When the story gets told

I am blessed

To find what I need

In a world loosing hope

You're my only believe

You make things right

Everytime after time

Will you stand by me

Hold on and never let me go

Will you stand by me

Will I be part of your life

When the story gets told

[Repeat chorus]

Stand by me

Won't you stand....by me...

Stand by me...

No more darlin

I want you by my side

I want you here with me...

Brand New Graveyard Shi*f

We clocked in at 10pm when the reporting time is 10.45pm for the 11pm graveyard shift. It's now 2.30am and since we started, we have bascially done nothing. It's pure boredom. The nearest water dispenser is at the canteen and walking through the back doors where construction is still going on and every corner is quiet and eerie, I sure ain't going anywhere near those corridors. I cannot wait for my next break at 4am which is in another hour's time.

A few of us females had an interesting encounter when using the ladies earlier. One of the toilet cubicles did not stop flushing. 2 of our male colleagues went in to check on the cubicle. The flushing stopped but once they stepped out of the toilet, that particular cubicle continued flushing. Coincidence or just some sensor issue?

And you know what the best part is? It was the cubicle I used.

5 more days....it is going to be exciting..

Another sleepless night

It is once again another sleepless night. I so much wanted to rest in the day but I couldn't and when night fell, I am wide awake. My throat ain't exactly in the best condition nor is my ever recurring flu. I wonder why it's tough to sleep normally like everyone else; past midnight to the next morning. Waking up for 8.30am to 6pm office hours have been hell. Shift work treats me better. Overnight shifts - the best! It allows me to sleep 9 hours a day, something I won't have should I be doing morning shifts!! God..I should really be a vampire!

My sleepless night could be because of my superbly filling post birthday celebration, courtesy of Baby Chee at Absinthe yesterday, 2 January 2010. What a fabulous dinner it was!!! Fine french food, great wine and good service. Pictures all uploaded to facebook since nobody really reads my blog anyway. Ha!

Ok..since blogging still doesn't bring sleepy spells...photoshopping of photos is what I shall do next!!

Scoobie out!

The Graveyard Shift

The whole week will be shift work from 8.30pm to 6am. Not being able to enjoy any form of social life whatsoever and having to slog with my other colleagues; with many already down with flu, cough, sore throat and fever yet taking MC ain't a good idea because there will be a pay cut and it affects work performance since we are less than 3 months into the job.

Here I am munching the shift away and awaiting 6am which is about 2 hrs more. So near yet so far..let me have my liang teh now..
Urgh! The canteen is closed and I gotta use my bottle to contain the liang teh.
Oh well...
Cannot use Facebook also...crap...

Back to class.

Zzzzzzzzzzz

I CAN'T SLEEP!!! URGGH!!!

Going Crazy

Suddenly everything seems to collapse around me again. The flashbacks get stronger, the emotions pinch my already bleeding heart. What's wrong I ask myself and cannot find an answer. Little things irritate me. Urgh!! Too much negativity in me. Terrible Terrible!

Just heard a song on the radio..and thought just randomly paste the lyrics here.

Westlife - If I Let You Go

Day after day

Time passed away

And I just can't get you out of my mind

Nobody knows, I hide it inside

I keep on searching

but I just can't find

The courage to show to let you know

I've never felt love like this before

And once again

I'm thinking about

Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never know

What my life would be holding you close to me

Will I ever see

you smiling back at me ?

How will I know

if I let you go ?

Night after night I hear myself say

Why don't this feeling just fade away

There's no one like you (no one like you)

You speak to my heart (speak to my heart)

It's such a a shame we're worlds apart

I'm too shy to ask, I'm too proud to lose

But sooner or later I gotta choose

And once again I'm thinking about

Taking the easy way out

If I let you go

I will never know

What my life would be,

holding you close to me

Will I ever see you smiling back at me?

(oh yeah)

How will I know if I let you go ?

If I let you go ooooh baby

Ooooooooohhhhh

Once again

I'm thinking about

Taking the easy way out

If I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be,
holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know if I let you go ?

After a long while

It's been sucha long time since my last entry.
Alot has changed.
Finishing attachment, getting into a new job and now changing for another..something that I have always wanted, hopefully.
Starting 2 November 2009 will be a whole new chapter of my career. This time, I got to make it work. No more government sector, restricted by a million processes and red tape.
Been so uptight about alot of things lately and wonder if change is for the better.

If only I can predict the future...