Another sleepless night

Just a day before a happy weekend I have to feel heavy hearted. What did I do wrong again? Did you just test me? Or did I just fall into a hole I dug? You say tell you how truly how I feel; all my thoughts but it seems to me that I must really think before I speak and it is so tedious. It is so tedious! Everything..EVERYTHING is making me paranoid; like what if I say something and you aren't happy; like what if you actually are waiting for me to call, but I didn't. It wasn't that I didn't think of calling. I did. But then I thought it wasn't necessary because it wasn't as if we had argued. It wasn't as if there was even a problem. You didn't reply my message when I asked if I needed to give the concierge any particulars. I also said thank you for the arrangement and I love you. So right away, I thought you were busy once you got home preparing your dinner, getting ready for bed and also the next day for the hotel stay. Then later all I said was is everything ok? after you took awhile to reply my sms telling you I was on the way to the train station. To cut it all short, your last sms was hurtful. It was as if I didn't care about you at all. Was not replying me a test? What is happening now? What's wrong with me? Are you not seeing the way you are treating me? I bet you think you treat me just fine; the best in fact.

I just broke down emotionally and psychologically again. Tears rolling down my cheeks. When you try to clarify or even explain your stand, it is as if bullets come out from your mouth. They shoot me down. They don't kill me. They just let the blood spill from the bullet wounds. Stop it already...please stop...

I am wounded. I don't know what to do. I can't concentrate on packing. I don't want a repeat of our last hotel stay weekend. You say we can't live on love. But what is just giving a little more love? Is it just too much to ask for?

Dear Blog, I just have to do this entry and make it so personal. I suddenly just want to tear my heart out. I see all the clothes thrown on the bed. My mind is a blank right now. Music. Music feels my ears, my heart. Something that quite describes what I am going through. Enjoy.

There's nothing I could say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me
All the pain, the tears I cried
Still you never said goodbye and now I know
How far you'd go

I know I let you down but it's not like that now
This time I'll never let you go

I will be all that you want and get myself together
'Cause you keep me from falling apart
All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything okay

I thought that I had everything
I didn't know what life could bring
But now I see, honestly
You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe 'cause you're here with me

And if I let you down, I'll turn it all around
'Cause I would never let you go

I will be all that you want and get myself together
'Cause you keep me from falling apart
And all my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything okay

Without you I can't breathe
I'm not gonna ever, ever let you leave
You're all I got, you're all I want, oh
'Cause without you I don't know what I'd do
I can never, ever live a day without you
Here with me, do you see you're all I need?

And I will be, all that you want and get myself together
'Cause you keep me from falling apart
And all my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything okay

I will be all that you want and get myself together
'Cause you keep me from falling apart
And all my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything okay