Screwing the Blues

Dear Blog,

I am feeling heavy hearted today. Could it be the rain? I wore a happy coloured, tulips-patterned spaghetti dress to the meeting today to liven up my mood.

I haven't been a very sensitive person. I left you emotionally stranded. I never knew how much I've changed till I am romantically involved with you. It has been awhile since I self reflected. Perhaps I do not have time for myself because of my job. The way we perceive love is different. Our ideals are also different. Opposites attract. Is it true? Have I been too self-centred I fail to notice us. I never knew I was a lousy lover. I have constantly been asking myself if I am good enough after all that I've been through; all that I've done. I couldn't accept you though I tried. I knew I did. You are confused and I believe, question my love for you.

From you, I see my flaws. I see bad qualities that I never thought existed. Perhaps I knew they did but I secretly suppressed them and they soon became that part of my subconscious that I gladly hope will not resurface. But when you don't acknowledge their existence, they do catch up on you. It is just a matter of time. Despite all these you have made me see, you never gave up on me. You accepted all my shortcomings. You accepted me for who I am.

I can blame it on how I was brought up. Based very much on traditional Chinese values, I was torn between expressing my feelings, chasing my dreams & passion and taking a very practical view of things by accepting reality for what it is i.e. money talks. It is difficult to come to terms with this because money doesn't equate job satisfaction.

I feel like I am screwing up my own life and it nearly killed my relationship with you. I gotta really self reflect man and ponder over what you have written: How much would you give for love?