I am feeling appreciative

I doubt we will never understand how our mothers brought us up; or maybe I just don't.

I have never seen eye to eye with how she views the world; I have never seen eye to eye with her definition of handsome men; I have also never seen eye to eye with how much emphasis she placed on education.

I have never seen eye to eye with her. Period.

Yet she is still my mum. Someone who gave up much, sacrificed much of her life to have my sister and me. I believe I was the more mischievous one who needed more attention, more patience, more scoldings and caning. I loved playing truant. I never learnt from my mistakes. I just found new ways to repeat them. I did that because I never felt the reasons satisfactory to stop making those mistakes. She tried so hard to shelter me from "evil". I tried so hard to expose myself to it. I lived with one motto then, young and eager to please peer pressure - if I don't learn the hard way, I will never learn at all. How smart was that? I'd say VERY. Because I know that all the rules I went against, all the consequences I was met with, the experiences were well learnt, well lived.

There were more times I disappointed my mum than made her proud. Everything she advocates as good, I treat as bad and does it all reverse. A devil indeed. I hated her ways of snatching away my childhood by brutally and literally burying my head in assessment papers, 10-yr series and more 10-yr series. Imagine there was a 20-yr series.

And then there were the "no boyfriends till you finish studying" naggings. OH BOY! I thought it was easy to wait till I was what? 21!! When I officially become and adult, when I have my "freedom". You kidding or what? ME??!! 21 years old then have boyfriend?!!! PFFfftttt! Obviously, I had to experience what "love" was. So happily, I found my first puppy love at 16, and went on to have more boyfriends till I started to ask "What does love actually mean?" and somehow many things my mum advised me years ago resurfaced from my sub-sub-subconscious. I started to take things from her perspective. I understood that she came from a different time, a different era. All she was doing was just imparting conservative traditional Chinese values to me. All she was doing was to show me what is considered "correct" and "good" from her point of view. All she wanted for me was the best - in her own way.

Today, I see alot of me in her. One thing for sure - cleanliness. Hygiene - oh well, I am trying. HA!

At almost 30, I wonder how my future kids will be like - ME??! Goodness gracious! How much energy I would need to tame them. I have a wish. I hope my parents will be around to see them grow up. Yes, I used the word "them" which also means "more than one".

Growing up, I spent more time with mum. When I have grown up, I spent more time with dad. Both playing huge roles in my life.

I know I will never be like you, mum and dad. I didn't grow up in an environment where these 3-words were spoken freely. But here, right now, I have to say I LOVE YOU. Thanks for being there through good and bad times.