Waiting Hoping Expecting

The questions. When? Will you? Is it going to happen? Sometimes I wonder if it's just me; something I can never get over. At the same time I wonder if it happens only when I am in a relationship, when I am more committed. Will I ever get through this? Why the insecurity? Or is it?

I really thought all these are just a figment of the past. It should not be reoccuring and it is odd that it is. Perhaps I am not busy enough. Perhaps I think too much or rather I am starting to all over again. When will all these stop? Probably too much TV is bad. Some characters do relate to me and seeing them evoke memories. I worry that things are taken for granted. I worry that history will repeat itself. I worry that all I have will disappear. I worry that I slip into that realm of losing direction & control - that realm I still find myself hovering over. If not careful, I will just be sucked back in. Is this called the haunting of the past? Or simply just indulging too much into it?

After all these, I realise I never got over what I intended to. It is obvious since it is happening again. I need to block them out and be disciplined enough to understand that things are different now. I am a different person. The past experiences should act as teachings and not be events I brood over and keep bringing back. Will you message me? Will you call me? I start to expect and anticipate. When those anticipated wishes are not fulfilled, I get disappointed. Nobody's fault really. It is all in my mind. I form the hope. I expect returns. I don't get any. I sit there and wait, pondering over "Will we meet?" Is it so difficult for me to just ask? And right before I can, the bubble of thoughts will form again - "Am I too demanding?"

I am sure we ask ourselves where life is taking us and when it will take us? I see many working on the same mundane task day-in day-out and telling me they don't really have a choice because of responsibilities and comittments. Doesn't it become tiring when there are no more challenges from the day we awake to reaching the office to ending the day and the whole cycle repeating itself? Yet when we take risks, we are faced with scrutiny. When we make it eventually, pursuing our dreams, the audience will applaud us. When we fail, we find who our true friends are & the bystanders' chant - "I told you so". Where do we go? What do we fear? How many steps should we take?

When will it end?