Not good enough

There are times in my life I feel i am not good enough.
I often ask myself why do I not have those nice long legs? Why do I not have sharp features? Why am I not clever or well endowed since I do not have either legs or smoldering hot looks?
When questions like these come up I feel a point of low, a lack of self confidence and esteem. I feel inadequate in society and right now I feel tired trying to keep up with maintaining my body and my looks.
Today a colleague said I am looking "shag". I mean it is the end of the day but he went on to say I am looking more shag than ever. It is only the start of the week. Shouldn't I look refreshed?
Where did all my energy and youth go?

ADHD

Although undiagnosed, I believe I suffer from ADHD.

Based on most research articles and reports I have read, it is common in children but they tend to grow out of it. When I was younger, I remember getting canned for being inattentive and always losing focus. Even if I knew I had ADHD then, it was a taboo topic, like depression. So I grew up, and as an adult now, I am still easily distracted, unable to focus like my peers and more often than not, have a goldfish memory. People who do not understand feel that I am not making an effort to remember or simply do not care.

I know I try very hard. Sometimes too much that I am so tired. Despite the effort, I am still forgetful, distracted and unable to focus. Most of the time, I cannot remember what I said 5min ago which frustrates alot of people who are unable to fathom what it means by having ADHD.

According to Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D, NCC, a psychotherapist who specialises in ADHD, "Forgetfulness is related to the executive functions in the brain — processes which help us manage, organise, and disseminate information. These functions also include planning and thinking ahead. In ADHD, these functions are dysfunctional."

I guess the only way forward is to persevere no matter the odds. Fortunately, I am generally a positive person with a do-not-give-up attitude and constantly working my way around my shortcomings. 

Breathe

What I need right now is to breathe no matter how deep the cut is.

Self-worth

I think they call it mid-life crisis. But I am far from 45.

It is strange for me to even feel this way.

I feel ugly. Perhaps this process is called ageing. The skin sags, the dark eye circles get even darker. I don't feel good about myself anymore. Everyday after work, I rush home. Every morning I rush to work. Other days, I rush to gym then to work. Every minute I am rushing. Where is the time for myself? 

I am tired. 

My hair is thinning. It has lost the shine. It looks dead and lifeless. My skin is dry, coarse to the point of scaly. Deep inside I think I am crying. A part of me is dying. 

What am I living for? Where is life's meaning? 

Undercurrents

Happy yet having mixed feelings.
Nobody knows how stormy the undercurrents within me can be.

Nothing must go wrong. Nothing.

I hate myself

I hate myself for being me.

Really wish I was dead so that torments are for others to live with.

Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy. It is not arrogant. It does not boast.

A mouthful of a title.

But is it true? Why is love usually measured by wealth? Is it so materialistic? I am expending so much energy wondering why after a comment I heard made my someone close. It makes me sad. It makes me cry. Yet, it makes me want to fight for love so much more. The real love. The one that does not envy, has no greed, has no tag to status. Mankind has made the word so pure become so evil.

Money is the root of all evil. Not love.

Chandelier

Party girls don't get hurt
Can't feel anything, when will I learn
I push it down, push it down

I'm the one "for a good time call"
Phone's blowin' up, they're ringin' my doorbell
I feel the love, feel the love

1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink

Throw 'em back, 'til I lose count

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cos I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cos I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight

Sun is up, I'm a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame

1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
 

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier